Xiao was confused, about life, about living, and mostly about sex. Sometimes he wondered if he should just end it all. Yesterday Jiang told Xiao he loved him, but today Xiao wasn't sure. Can a boy love a boy? Can a man marry a man? I wish I knew-it's strange, like me, strange and worthless. Feng Xiao looked at the river, maybe I should just slip in, slowly and settle like a dead fish to the bottom

Xiao worried about his adventure underneath his house. He wasn't sure what his granny had heard, but late that evening he heard XiaoXiao whispering to his mom. He heard his daddy yell, they fight all the time-perhaps it wasn't about me at all, perhaps it was about them.

Xiao looked at the fresh flowers growing in the cracks of the Great Wall and listened to the birds chirping. Part of this wall is over 2,000 old, I wonder how long it took to build. I wonder how many men died, how many women mourned, how many children were left as orphans. I've heard there are as many bones inside as there are rocks. I wonder if that's really true. Xiao gently touched the stones, feeling for the dead inside, thinking of the wall as a three thousadn kilometer mausoleum instead of the archeological wonder the government proclaimed it to be. Suddenly, Xiao's hands trembled-he felt the rocks pulsating and throbbing as if there was something alive inside. That's impossible, the dead are dead. We can't communicate with dead people. Slowly Xiao removed his hands from the wall; they tingled for a long moment, but they didn't feel like they did when his hands went to sleep. They felt warm and comfortable, as if they had caressed the goddess, Kuan Yin, the divine mother of compassion who hears every hope and every cry. Xiao felt a new sense of power, strength and freedom enveloping him. It was as if he had gained inner strength merely by touching that place on the wall and now he knew why: the goddess had been there! She must have been! And she must be calling him!

Xiao sat stunned for several moments until the feelings came back in his hands and then he sighed a great long deep sigh, letting out his pent up fear and shame and worthlessness, and for the first time in his life, he was glad to be alive.

Xiao started to walk along the wall, still feeling the power within as he started to hum an ancient song and soon he was singing loudly and lustily, feeling no shame.


I touched the wall and thought I heard
A hundred thousand souls crying from within
I felt their strength, I heard their sorrow
I touched their souls, I knew their love.
And now I feel their life in me,
I feel the power of their souls.
I feel their love in me

Xiao walked along the wall for several kilometers and by noon, it had grown so warm that he striped naked and ran to the river to cool off.

If I can swim as fast as Jiang, if I can be as fast in the water as he is, I could be with him forever.

Xiao had been swimming since he was five and he was strong, even though he still had a small body. Standing barely a hundred and sixty centimeters and weighing forty kilos, he would have been confused with a child in a larger town . . . but here, everyone knew him and most accepted him for who and what he was. Xiao stroked against the current without a struggle, thinking of nothing, clearing his mind of everything, concentrating on nothing but the pulling motions of his arms, the kicking of his feet. Head up, head down, Xiao swam upriver for nearly a kilometer, following the contours of the Great Wall, finally having the freedom to think now that he was away from Sung Li. As Xiao swam, he thought about the First Unifier, The Great Emperor Qin Shi Huangdi, the man responsible for building the Great Wall, the man responsible for bringing all of China under his control and renaming it China in his honor. Chin She Ha-wang Di , Xiao mumbled wondering how the name of the great ruler would sound on a westerner's tongue. I have heard that they call our land China in remembrance of you.

Over his right shoulder, Xiao saw the two massive rocks-the memorials to Fan Xiliang and Meng Jiangnu. How unalike we are: you were fearless, brave and courageous in your struggle, but I'm weak and wonder how long I would have lasted if I had been forced to build this wall. Why can't I be as brave as you, Meng Jiangnu? Why can't I be as strong?

Swimming around the rocks that memorialized Meng Jiangnu and Fan Xiliang, Xiao saw pile of rubble, twenty meters high. That's the section of the Great Wall Meng Jiangnu screamed down when she discovered her husband, Fan Xiliang, died performing the Emperor's work. How ferocious a woman she must have been. Xiao laughed, which caused him to swallow a mouthful of muddy river water and, out of habit, he turned his head and let the water ooze out of his mouth. But Meng is merely a legend; perhaps it never happened, perhaps Fan and Meng never lived. I wish I knew. How can I find out the truth?

Near the break in the wall, Xiao saw the entrance to his cavern more clearly. He had discovered the cave on one of his hiking expeditions, and he kept it secret from everyone except Jiang because it was his own special place. Xiao swam to the shore near his cavern and lay down in the hot summer sun to dry off. His brown skin tanned slowly now; he had only burned once, slightly, and that was back in May. He relaxed for nearly an hour, watching the clouds, composing another poem, and wondering why his love for Jiang was so wrong wondering why it was so impossible for a man to love a man.


Clouds float endlessly above me
Free in the summer sky
I, rooted to the earth,
Beet-like, beaten, pulverized into sand and stone
Alone with my thoughts
Alone . . . so totally alone.


Wispy white clouds, billowing in the sky
Why are you free? Why not me?
Why not we, together sailing as one,
United and flying to be free?
I gaze upon your unending beauty
And pray I could be one with you
Floating above the land
Flying above the sea
Gliding listlessly in the sky.


But I am rooted to the earth with two feet on the ground
Stuck in the muck and mire of our land
Unable to know who I am or where to go
How can I be me? Where can I go?
What must I do to be free?
To float, to fly, to sail away so listlessly?

Xiao sat on the riverbank and cried. His tiny tears rolled down his cheeks and spattered on his chest. He was naked by choice, but his soul was bare as well, barren and empty of the joy his friends shared each day.

Xiao wept, blew his nose into his palms, and wiped his hands on the moist grass before sitting up and remembering the clouds.

In the distance he heard a sound, an almost recognizable sound, and realized it was the sound of an animal in distress. Xiao crept forward, seeing blood, sensing fear, feeling that something evil had passed his way. Xiao heard the sound of the frightened animal before he saw it: it was whimpering and Xiao had never heard a sound so desperate before. Xiao turned a corner and saw a wounded rabbit near the Great Wall. Something had attacked it and was probably lurking nearby, ready to finish its meal. The rabbit's faint whimpering sound reminded him of the time he had tended the rabbits at Da-Li's house. Perhaps I can save one rabbit; perhaps there is a reason for me to be here today, after all.

Xiao cautiously approached the brown-furred rabbit and noticed it didn't have a mortal wound even though it was saturated in blood. Behind him, he heard a snarl and guessed there was a fox or dog nearby-a hungry animal ready to pounce on him and his rabbit. For an instant, Xiao was terrified, but then he remembered what his granny had told him. In nature there are the feared and the fearful. If you are fearful, the feared will come for you, but if you are feared, those around you will be fearful. Xiao had never understood Granny's message until now, but he suddenly realized the wild animals around him would back away if he could just maintain his composure, but he also knew that if he failed, the rabbit-and he-might die.

Xiao's heart raced almost as rapidly as the rabbit's. He was naked and had nothing to wrap the injured animal with, but Xiao knew he was braver and stronger than the wildest animals around him and he knew he had to save the rabbit. Perhaps the strength of Meng Jiangnu lies here; perhaps there's truth to the legend after all.

Quickly, Xiao swooped down, cradled the rabbit and lifted it gently in his arms. Then he sang robustly,


Animals around me I hope you hear
This rabbit is free now
This rabbit is free.
Animals around me I hope you know
I do not fear you.
I am not afraid.

It's silly to sing a song about being brave, Xiao thought, but it makes me feel stronger, anyway.


Fierce animals,
I do not fear you.
I am not afraid
Run from me
Hide from me.
I protect those
weaker than me.
I am their guardian;
I am their soul.

Quickly Xiao walked toward the river. He knew he'd have to carry the rabbit a kilometer before he got back to the forest where he had left his clothes, but he was free now, free of the fear that consumed the rabbit and he knew the rabbit would live.

Rabbit's heart pounding loudly against his chest, Xiao stepped further and further away from the bloody rock before trotting toward the pathway that paralleled the river. In the background he heard low snarls. The gods are with me! They are protecting me. This rabbit will live another day.

Xiao glanced down at the rabbit and noticed the bleeding had stopped. He looked back over his shoulder and, in the distance, saw the carcasses of several other animals. This rabbit was one of many, Xiao thought, as he rubbed the rabbit's foot. It is not bleeding after all-it must have run through the blood of its mother and brothers. Now it must be paralyzed with fear. It didn't run away. I don't know why, but it didn't run away. It's alive and free-just like me.

Xiao strode manfully back toward his clothing, cradling the rabbit, listening for life signs, fully aware that the rabbit was only frightened now-it would live and be free . . . and so would he.

As soon as Xiao reached the place where he had left his clothing, he put the rabbit on the grass and stepped away, waiting to see what would happen. If the rabbit stayed and waited for him, it would still be paralyzed with fear, but if the rabbit hopped away, Xiao would know its fear was gone.

One eternal moment passed as Xiao waited for the rabbit to respond. And then it hopped off quickly and raced into the forest.

The rabbit isn't afraid of me, yet the wild animals were. What does this mean? Xiao was shaking now, aware that he had literally walked into a wild animal's lair and rescued an animal from certain death.

Xiao sat on the grass and looked at the clouds. Perhaps the spirit of Meng Jiangnu really does protect me. Prehaps I'm free after all, perhaps I am truly free.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

This will make a nice pillow for Xiao, XiaoXiao thought, as she stuffed feathers in a sack, allowing her mind to wander, hoping to think of pleasanter things, but worrying, always, worrying about her grandson. Don't get caught, whatever you do! Times have changed, boy! The party is everywhere now; their eyes are everywhere; their ears are everywhere!

XiaoXiao closed the pillow carefully. I've been sewing fifty years and I've been praying for a great-grandchild-praying every day, but Xiao won't be able to give me one. I don't think he knows that yet, but he'll never give me a great-grandchild. He's too much like my uncle. XiaoXiao carefully placed the pillow on the shelf and picked up another empty sack, stuffing it with the chicken feathers as she continued to let her mind wander. On the other hand, maybe I'll get lucky after all. Again XiaoXiao thought of her uncle, Feng Lam, who had married against his will. He and his wife had had four children, but his life had always remained a secret-except for a few close friends and me. He snuck into the village, secretly every night to be with his lover while his wife, my mother's sister, wept on her pillow waiting for him to return. It's a pillow of sorrow, XiaoXiao thought, China has become nothing more than a pillow of sorrow. It's worse now than it was in the ancient days when a million men died building the Great Wall. Now tens of millions are dying because the government has no mercy, because no man is free. XiaoXiao put the feathers away, they were too soggy to work with any longer.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Sung Li laughed when he saw Zhiping crumble in front of him. He's like all the others; play with them a few hours, threaten them with a stick of wood, tell them it's dynamite, rape them, beat them, torture them, and they crack like nuts against a stone. Perhaps someday I'll find a brave one; perhaps someday I'll find a queer who doesn't break the moment he sees the table.

"Carry this thing out," Sung Li said, "make sure it's on the next truck to Beijing. I bet the authorities will have a plan for its future-perhaps we can build another Great Wall with faggot labor."

Sung Li laughed so loudly that XiaoXiao heard his faint cackling half a village away.


On to Chapter Six
Birthday Surprise
Back to Chapter Four
Houses Never Tell
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