It was the happiest day in Jiang's life. Mei had missed her last two periods and Jiang just learned they were going to be parents.

I don't want to tell Xiao unless I'm sure she's pregnant, but I don't want him to find out from someone else. Maybe I should just level with him now. Maybe I should tell him how I feel and we can get through this and still be friends. He knows I love him, but what will he think of me if Mei has my baby? Will we still be friends? Jiang paused as an old idea struck him. Haven't I always prepared Xiao for this moment? Haven't I told him that we must marry, that we must have children? We've gone through it a thousand times. Everyone knows what happens to perverts. What's wrong with him? Does he think he can hide in his damned cave forever? Does he think he can walk through a secret door and escape? He has to face his problems. . . but first, I have to face mine; I must tell Xiao.

The rest of the morning was placid and boring, after assimilating Mei's announcement, Jiang attended school somberly, trying to study as usual and it was not until late that afternoon, when he raced to the river; that he had time to formulate a plan. I'll tell Xiao, but there's no use destroying a friendship over . . . Jiang's mind raced forward, Until I'm sure Mei's pregnant-I'll bide my time. I'm not going to upset Xiao until I have to. Having settled the baby issue, the Xiao issue, and the Mei issue in one grand gesture, Jiang dove into the river and made love to the water, caressing it with his thighs, romancing it with his breast, stroking it with his arms.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Shortly after sunset, Xiao went down to the river, surreptitiously looking for fish, hoping to find his lover.

"Want to play tomorrow?" Jiang asked as soon as Xiao was within hollering distance. "I haven't been in the cave in weeks. Want to meet me there tomorrow?"

Xiao's cock rose in anticipation. "What time?" And then his adrenalin kicked in and he prattled, "Can we stay together all day? Do we have enough supplies? Should I bring food?"

Jiang looked deeply into Feng Xiao's dark brown eyes; he loved him more than he loved Mei; he knew he always had, but he wondered anyway: If times were different, if we could be free, I'd stay with Xiao forever, but Jiang was a realist. He knew society wasn't going to change for two male lovers. China hasn't changed in ten thousand years; it's not going to change tomorrow. Jiang wept internally. He knew he could love Mei almost as much. He knew he could be a good father. But he worried and wondered about his relationship with Xiao. Life's too short. I must tell Xiao, I must-Jiang's cock grew as his eyes swept from Xiao's face to his feet, I want him. I've always wanted him. "Yes, bring lunch. Let's spend the day at the cave. We'll go swimming, and, Xiao," Jiang paused and Xiao knew why, "I have to talk to you. We must talk now."

Xiao was frightened. He sensed something was wrong-there was a tone to Jiang's voice-a phrase, a pronunciation, a misplaced word, that told him something was wrong. Xiao desperately wanted Jiang. He never wanted his friendship to end, but Xiao felt something very, very bad was about to happen. Jiang's spending too much time with that girl. He barely looks at me anymore and every time he walks by, each time I see him, or smell him, or hear his voice, or brush against him, I want him. I must prepare myself; I must decide what to do. I must either find another lover or I must decide to spend the rest of my life alone, without my soul mate-without Wu Jiang.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Sunday, April 21, 1963

Xiao arrived at the cave an hour before Jiang. He brought a small bowl of rice and a body hot with hormones, hoping both would be gone by end of day. I know it's over, but I can never stop loving Jiang. No matter what, I'll love him forever.

Xiao smelled Jiang before he touched him; his musky scent oozed from his arms and crotch and then Jiang was there, leaning up behind Xiao, kissing him gently, turning him around, staring into his dark brown eyes, rubbing his arms along Xiao's body, kissing him, hugging him . . . yet there was something missing. Some spark, some flame had died and Xiao felt it deep inside his chest. He knew Jiang was going to leave; he knew he might never see him again. Passion is merely sex; it isn't love, I can be passionate about reading a book, but can I live without Jiang's love? Can I live with nothing but the distant memory of his passion?

"I love you Xiao, I love you more than I love swimming. I love you more than I love anything, anyone, but-"

There was a rumbling sound behind the boys, but this time it wasn't an earthquake, it was a voice. Xiao heard it first, Come to me.

"Did you hear that?"

Xiao nodded as he sped toward the Godlen door at the end of the luminous cavern. Come to me, come with me . . .

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"Jiang thinks I'm pregnant," Mei giggled to her twin. "He thinks he's going to be a father."

"Why does he think that?"

Mei giggled and grabbed her sister so hard she thought she was going to rip her arm off.

"Because I told him."

"You told him you were pregnant?"

"Not exactly."

"Are you?"

"No!"

"What exactly did you tell him?"

"I told him I'd missed my last two periods."

"Have you?"

"Don't be silly. Daddy would kill me if I did-besides Jiang only fucked me once. Mostly we just kiss. I don't even know if Jiang likes to fuck. I've wanted to, but he always backs down. He says the coach tells him it's bad to have sex because he's training."

"Then why did you tell-" An didn't need to finish her sentence. She knew how insidious Mei was. "When are you two getting married and when are you going to tell Jiang about the baby?

"Later," Mei smiled, "after the wedding. Why take chances? He is the best catch in the province, after all!"

"Next to Hon-Kee!" An giggled, knowing Jiang was a thousand times more handsome than Hon-Kee, but sensing that Hon-Kee would make a finer husband.

"You know Jiang hangs around Xiao way too much."

"I haven't seen them together in a long time."

"Well, look at Xiao next time he's anywhere near Jiang. I think Xiao's queer for him."

"Xiao's always been queer! Do you think he's infected Jiang? Do you think Jiang's safe?"

"I don't care one way or the other. All I know is that I can salvage what's left."

"By pretending to be pregnant?"

"No!"

"How then?"

"By loving him!"

"And you're sure about Xiao? You know the police would love to know everything about him. They'd love to send him away. I've heard stories-"

"So have I, but that doesn't mean I want Xiao to get into any more trouble, besides we have enough fun with him the way he is by teasing him and pestering him ad totally annoying the little bugger. Let's keep this our secret, okay? Xiao's just a little boy-he'll never get in my way."

Mei giggled and for a different reason, so did An because she kne what tier Daddy would do if he ever found out that one of his girls was having sex-let alone pregnant!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Jiang pressed his ear against the gold door. "Listen! I hear voices on the other side."

"How can there be voices?"

"I don't know, but I hear them. Listen."

Xiao pressed his ear against the door as both boys listened: Come to me, come to me, come to me.

"What does that mean? How can we come to them?"

"And who are they?"

"They're spirits. People could never live behind this door-it's obviously been sealed for thousands of years."

"It might be people from another village; maybe they live on the other side of the wall."

"If that's true, who wrote the words about the Tao on this side?"

As suddenly as the voices started, silence oozed through the cave. Xiao and Jiang could hear themselves breathing and that was all.

"What happened?"

"Did we offend them?"

"Are they afraid of us? Have they stopped trusting us? Are they good spirits trying to help us?"

"Or evil spirits trying to harm us?"

"I can't make out this word, can you see it?" Almost magically, the boys were able to read one more of the words they hadn't seen the last time. "It says bowls."

"Yes, I see it, but what does "bowls" mean?"

"I don't know."

"Maybe we can figure it out when we can see the whole message, but in the meantime, I don't think it's safe for us to try to open this door."

"I agree, but when will we be able to see the entire message?"

"I don't know, but someone's trying to help us, I'm sure of that."

Xiao and Jiang stared at each other. Jiang realized his problem-the problem he had to share with Xiao-was infinitesimal compared to this, When can I talk to Xiao? When can I tell him about Mei and my baby?

The boys walked back to the main cavern. Here the walls, as well as the ceiling were naturally luminous, but the light was different than it was in the side tunnel by the metal door. Here, the light was clear and bright, but the light by the door was blue. Neither boy could explain the difference, but both recognized it when they reentered the main cavern.

"Do you think the blue light has anything to do with the door? Can it be magic? Or are their spirits here. . . or ghosts?"

"Perhaps that's why we couldn't read the rest of the message. Perhaps the light wasn't strong enough. I don't know. We need more information and-" Jiang paused, knowing he was going to shift gears, knowing he had to tell Xiao about Mei and the baby. He sucked in his breath, slowly letting it all out, "Xiao we have to talk-"

"I know," Xiao's radar sensed something horrible was going to happen.

"Remember when I told you we'd have to get married someday? Remember when we talked about having to make love to girls?"

"You know it will be impossible for me to have sex with a girl."

"You can do what you must but I've tried it, but I'm here for you, no matter what happens, I'm here for you."

Xiao kissed Jiang gently on the lips and caressed his thigh.

"I'll love you forever," Jiang said, "but I am involved with Mei."

"What else is new?" Xiao joked, "You've been playing around with her for months. It's part of your cover, isn't it? Aren't you using her as a shield?"

"Not exactly. You know I love you Xiao, but I love Mei, too. You know, I will marry her someday."

"You've said that over and over and over again-it's getting old now!"

"And we'll have children."

"You said that, too. What are you really trying to tell me?"

Jiang sucked in a huge mouthful of air and then released it in one long stream of words, "Mei and I made love and we did it at her time of the month and she didn't tell me until yesterday and she told me she did it on purpose and she wants to have my baby and she wants me to marry her and she's pregnant with my baby, but I love you, Xiao, I've always loved you and I can't live without you, but I don't think I can live without Mei either." Jiang almost collapsed; he had spilled out the jumbled thoughts that were pent up inside him; now he had no thoughts left.

"So, you want me to be your mistress, is that it?" Xiao turned his back, and raced to the ramp, moving so quickly that Jiang didn't have time to grab him. Jiang rose and raced behind Xiao, but Xiao was angry and when Xiao was angry he always outran Jiang. Xiao sailed out of the cavern toward the river and threw himself into the rapids.

"No, Xiao, don't-" Jiang screamed as he jumped in after his lover.

Xiao swam away, faster than he had swum in years, swimming upstream, toward the twin staircases-the one as steep as a ladder-the other more like stairs.

Jiang swam hand over hand, struggling to reach Xiao. Finally, after an agonizing race that Xiao nearly won, Jiang grabbed him by the shoulder and dragged him out of the river, "I love you Xiao, I've always loved you, but I have to do this. Please understand! I must marry Mei. If I don't, they'll kill me, you know that. I must do it for both of us, to protect both of us."

"Is that the only reason?" Xiao gasped as he tried to break away. "Is that the only reason you're telling me this now?"

Jiang cradled Xiao in his arms, covering him with hi steaming hot kisses, caressing him, "I'm telling you this because you must know I'm not like you. I love men but I also love women."

Xiao paused, looking into Jiang's wide tear-filled eyes, wondering how anyone could love men and women.

"I can't explain it; I can't explain anything. I love you but I also love Mei and I can only marry one of you. Can you accept that? I don't want to hurt you. I don't want to hurt you-"

Xiao pressed his head onto Jiang's shoulder, sobbing in agony.

And then Jiang sobbed, as both boys broke down into a monsoon of tears. Xiao had never seen Jiang cry before, even when he was seven and fell and broke his leg, Jiang never cried, but now gigantic tears cascaded down his face; he was sobbing, shaking in fear and anger, angry at himself for loving both sexes, and afraid he'd lose Feng Xiao forever.

"I love you, Jiang. I don't understand how you can love men and women, but most people will never understand how I can only love men, but I can accept you . . . and I can accept Mei and your baby."

Each boy sobbed into his lover's arms, purging his body of the self-hatred and fear he'd harbored since puberty. Why do I have to be abnormal? Is that why I love Xiao, because we're both freaks? Jiang's toes curled. His hair hurt. His nose ran.

And Xiao sobbed, too-each for a different reason, each for the same

An decided to have a long conversation with her father. There are some things Daddy needs to know, An thought, and I'm the only person who can tell him.

And as the boys cried, a bowl appeared at their feet.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Alone at home, XiaoXiao sobbed, sensing that something was wrong with her grandson. The spirits had been calling her all day; her ears were old and tired now and her mind was constantly falling asleep, but XiaoXiao swore she heard the words, Come to me, come to me, come to me, echoing from deep within her house, sounding like voices bouncing from a wall, sounding like the faint echoes of men screaming in pain, longing to share their anguish, longing to purge themselves of their anger and pain.


On to Chapter Thirteen
Alone
Back to Chapter Eleven
A Door Marked Tao
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