I'm tired and dragging and just carrying myself on my feet like deadweight from place to place. I've been wandering all around town notknowing where I was going. It's not like I'm looking for anything inparticular. I'm trying to forget everything about the past couple ofmonths: classes, finals, Ian, Jeff, murders...and...Cal. Nothing seems tomatter anymore and yet everything seems to be swallowing me whole.

I'm on campus during the break was pretty dead and not just thatthere was no one there. Everything was so still and silent. The quad isdeserted and the buildings of old campus are like haunted houses but herein the cold I feel the safest. Nothing can hurt me here. Everything isalready dead and I feel comfortable walking amidst the ghosts of the seasonand semester before. But my memories... my thoughts are another matter.Just `cause I feel the most secure here doesn't mean that the world isn'ttoo far behind.

It's a couple of days before Christmas and I have enough money to getme through the rest of the break before classes started in mid January. Agay couple, regular customers of Harold known to pay top dollar, had calledasking for their usual Christmas 'fuck'. Well their usual wasn'taround. Word on the street is that he'd gotten too freaked by the murdersand gone 'straight' so to speak. So I went instead.

Their `usual' was more than just standard hour long appointment,though. It was an all night scene that they acted out every Christmas. Ihadn't gotten too much of the details at first from Harold. He told me tojust go on out there and go with the flow and follow the clients' lead.

I sit down on a cold bench out on the quad and remembering thatnight...

Their house was in the nice part of town, way out actually wherehomes were separated by large acres of land. Harold had promised me thatthe tip would more than make up for the cab fare. On my way there Ithought about what I had to do that night as I leaned my head against thecold window. My hand rested on my gym bag that had my personal toiletriesalong with the detailed instructions of what I was supposed to do and alsonot do when I got there. I didn't bring anything else since I was toldthat everything that I would need would be provided for me.

"You coming home from school for the holidays?" asked the cab driverbringing me back from the passing Christmas lights of the houses that weregetting more and more spaced apart.

I thought about it for second -- telling him the truth, but decidedto get in character sooner rather than later. "Yeah," I smile. "Sure isgood to be home."

"You're right about that, yep," he agreed eagerly. "I got my boycoming home from Auburn tomorrow. He's out there on a basketballscholarship."

"You don't say," I answer more out of being polite than any interestI could fake. "They doing good this year?"

"Well the season just started but they are doing good. We'll seeabout March Madness, though. Oh and my little girl, she's not so littlenow, well she's coming in from Germany the day after. The army let my babycome home for Christmas."

"That's nice," I answer automatically.

"Well what about you? What are you studying?" he asks me peering inthe rear-view mirror.

"Business," I answer.

"That's good. I'm sure your parents are proud of you and are happyto have you home for the holidays too."

"Uhm, yeah," I respond trying to keep the frown out of my voice."They're real proud of their son."

The cabbie shuts up for the rest of the trip. I was grateful forthat. I don't think that I could have listened to anymore about someoneelse Christmas plans. It was bad enough to do what I was being asked to doin these lame instructions.

"This the place you're headed to, 595 Montcalm Place?" asked the cabdriver after we had driven another 20 minutes or so.

The house, even at dusk, was gorgeous. It looked like it took upacres of land. We turned into the circular driveway which was lit up byminiature electric lanterns rising from the ground and the glittery snowyglow of the light's reflection.

"Yeah, I suppose so," I responded as I paid him his fare.

"Man your folks sure do have a nice place. Look at it. All deckedout for the Holidays. Sure must be nice." he said gazing up through thewindshield.

I paused halfway out of the cab I followed his gaze and swept my eyesup to the second and the third floor windows. Each had been decorated witha holly wreath and a solitary candle. The third story lights were lit andthe warm light illuminated the cabby's face that was filled with awe.

"Yeah it is," I smiled at him not bothering to tell him the truth.Let him thinks what he wants -- that I'm some college kid returning home tobe with the family during the holidays.

"You and your folks have a nice Christmas, you here?" he said in afolksy kind of way before driving off.

"Thanks, you too," I wave back.

My feet crack and snap on the salt pellets in the driveway as I walktowards the front door. With the wind swirling the snow in the archway Ipull my wool hat tighter around my ears and knock on the door.

A mid fortyish looking man opened the door. "Hi, right on time! I'mKyle," he said. "You must be Carlos, right?"

"Yes, sir," I said shaking his hand and extending my hand.

"Oh lord, it's a cold one out tonight. Come in. Come in."

"Thanks."

"Did you find the place alright?", he asked as I handed him my wintercoat.

"Oh it wasn't a problem at all," I nodded politely back. "The cabdriver seemed to know his way around."

"Well that's good," he said while sizing me up from head to toe. "Iguess we should get you situated. Take your stuff up the stairs to thethird floor and go to the bedroom that's right off to the left. We havethe outfit that we want you to wear up there," he said gesturing towardsthe stairs. "Now, Harold told you what to expect?"

"Yes, sir," I said walking in and noticing the grand interior.Everything about this place screamed over the top. It was ornate, polishedand gorgeous and everything meticulously placed. The foyer, the marblefloors, the shiny wooden furniture, the staircase, everything... glowed.

"I know this place is a bit much." he said catching me with mestaring at everything, "but it's home!" he said with a slight laugh andtwist as if to show off the place like some prize on the Price is Right."Come on I'll show you the way."

I followed him feeling a little ashamed that he'd caught me gawking.

"You sure Harold told you about everything," asked Kyle as we woundup around the marble staircase. From behind and watching him walk up thestairs I could tell he was a little stocky but there wasn't much muscle ordefinition there. His hand dangled limply from his wrist and his fingerslightly raked the slick, polished banister as we wound up the stairs to thethird floor.

"Yes, sir he did..." I started to respond.

He turned at the top of the stairs and raised a finger to quiet me."Uh-uh. We might as well get started right here and now. What do we say inthis house?" he added a little too sweetly.

"Yes, daddy," I sweetly mimicked back by quickly jumping intocharacter.

"That's better. Now go get changed into your pajamas," he saidpointing in the direction of the room that I'm supposed to go into. "Yourfather and I will be waiting for you downstairs in the den in about 20minutes."

I walked into the room and set my bag down on the full sized bed andtook a look around. It was the room of a teenage boy. The walls werecovered with posters of the Budweiser Girls and various NFL players. Inthe corner was a desk overflowing with high school text books, reams oftheme paper, notebooks, pens, pencils - everything you'd need to do yourhomework with. Next to that was an entertainment center with the latesthi-tech games, videos, and a large television.

There's something about this room that I found familiar like I'd beenhere before but I just couldn't seem to remember.

I looked over at the digital NFL clock to check to see how much timeI had before I needed to head downstairs. I took my clothes off and grabthe `outfit' that I'm supposed to wear to play my part. They were a pairof old-timey red pajamas with the butt flaps held in place with two largebuttons. I'd worn worse in my line of work.

My toes reflexively grasped the warm, plush carpet as I roved aroundthe room taking all the details these guys took to decorate this room. Ithad all the trappings that a teenage boy of privilege would be expected tohave: tennis shoes, baseball gloves, trophies and ribbons, cd player -everything about the room was designed for this charade. I didn't thinkthese guys had kids but if they did they'd be set for life.

I walked over to the chest of drawers and ran my fingers across thebrass plaque of a tennis trophy and marveled that there's no layer of dustbetween my fingers nor in the nooks of the tiny brass tennis player. `ToddPearsall - Champion 1989' read the plaque.

I looked at the clock and realized I had to get going. I reachedinto my bag and pulled out the map of the house that Harold had providedfor me. I needed to be able to find the den in this big maze of a house.The note from him read, "Down on the first floor to the right and head allthe way down the hall through the double doors. P.S. Make sure that youtake the teddy bear. --H."

I looked around the room and find the plush, brown teddy bear sittingon top of the pillows and I make my way down to the den.

"Daddy? Dad?" I whined out in my best impersonation of a cute kid.

"Son, we're in here," I heard from behind two large French doors.

I opened the door and stood there in shock with the bear droppinglimp by my side. It was incredible.

"Oh, hon, I told you he'd like it this year."

"What do you think, son" says the other one ignoring his partner?

"Oh my god, wow," I said. I've never seen anything like this wellexcept maybe in the movies or what others would expect to find in veryupscale department store in New York.

"Oh, baby," cooed Kyle. "Do you like the tree we got for you thisyear? It's the very best we could find."

The tree was huge. How they got this tree in this room I don't knowbut it reached all the way to the ceiling. There must have been thousandsand thousands of white dazzling lights stretching up from floor to ceiling.It had to be at least two stories tall.

I tore my gaze away from the top of the tree, "Yes, it's beautiful,daddy."

"Awww, I'm so glad you like it, sweety. Come over and sit by me andDaddy Paul. We're going to let you open a few presents tonight but you'regoing to have to wait till tomorrow morning to see what Santa brings you,"said Kyle motioning to sit between him and his partner on the large sofa.

I padded over in my bare feet and sat between them holding the teddybear close to my chest. I wasn't quite sure what was going to happen next,but from what I heard Ian tell me about these guys is that they are intosome kinky shit. But, he did tell me that apart from the weird shit thatthese guys are harmless and that I should just play along no matter howfucked it up seems.

"Hey, son. Are you excited about Santa?" asked the one who must bePaul. His eyes crinkled when he smiled.

"Yeah," I said trying to sound like an excited little boy. Well itwas the best that I could come up with. It'd been so long since I've hadany Christmas at all with family and even longer since I actually enjoyedany holiday with my family.

"That's good, son," said Kyle as he stroked the hair on the back ofmy head.

I closed my eyes and relished that gentle touch. It opens upmemories from a long time ago. Memories that I just thought I could neverremember. I lean into his hand and sigh.

Paul inched in closer and I feel the body heat of both men on eitherside of me. Paul grabbed my legs and swung them up over his lap and I laidmy head in Kyle's lap. I moaned instinctively as Paul began to rub my feet-- certainly more of an adult reaction than you'd expect from a kid but Ichallenge anyone not to sigh contentedly when getting a nice foot rub.

"We have a wonderful, son, Paul."

"Yes. He's so beautiful too."

"Yes he is," responded Kyle stroking my cheek.

"Santa is going to be very good to our boy this year. Should we lethim open his present right now?"

"I don't see why not," said Kyle.

Paul gently extricated himself from underneath my legs and went tothe tree and grabbed beautiful wrapped present from the 50 or so that wereunder the tree.

"Why don't we let him open this one," he said gently shaking the boxbefore offering it to me.

"Go ahead, son. Open it," said Kyle.

I looked at one and then the other and then I began to tear off thewrapping paper.

"Wow, a game boy," I said excitedly.

"I'm glad you like it, son," said Paul reaching over to stroke theside of my face. "But now it's time for you to drink your milk that DaddyKyle warmed up for you."

"Yes," said Kyle. "We need to get you to bed before Santa passes thehouse by because you are awake."

Paul reached behind him to the coffee table and grabbed a cup of warmmilk. "Drink this and soon it will be off to bed with you."

Milk. Ick. It's not my favorite beverage but anything for a buck,right? I took a swallow or two of the warm liquid and snuggled betweenboth men on the large couch.

"Drink it all up now," said Paul as he lazily began to stroke mylegs.

I finished the drink and hand him the cup and after about 20 minutesof playing this little boy act I began to feel all tingly and woozy. Myeyes started to loose focus and I began to panic a little. Kyle and Paulhad been gently soothing me with their hands and kissing my forehead buttheir hands clamped down hard once they realized I was beginning tostruggle.

"Shhhhhh, baby. It's ok. It's ok," said Kyle. "Everything is goingto be alright. You just relax and let the milk make you nice and sleepy."

I've been drugged. My eyes started to close and I couldn't fight thesleep anymore.

"Merry Christmas lover..." I heard before I passed out.

--1987--

"What were you waiting for? Christmas?!" chides Anna as she punchesmy shoulder.

"Ow, what was that for," I say rubbing my shoulder where she'dpunched me.

"What was that for?" she responds throwing her hands up in the air."You were supposed to call me yesterday. Remember?

Shit. I forgot about that. I was supposed to call Anna yesterdayand tell her how everything went with the debate tournament. Can you blameme for not remembering but I still feel like a jerk for not calling.

"I'm sorry, babe," I say.

"I'd hope so," she says. "Well it's ok. I was busy most of the daywith my sisters. We wouldn't have gotten to spend much time togetheranyway."

We're sitting at the Wall right before first period.

"So how was the tournament? Did you place?" she asks.

"Nah. We didn't break past the quarter finals but we did really goodduring the prelims."

"That's good, babe," she says kissing my cheek. "Where is Cal?" sheadds looking around the wall at the other students filling up the campus.

I try not to sigh too loud. "Uhm, I don't know. He should be heresoon."

"How'd he do this weekend?"

"Good. Good. He got as far as the semi's in extemp and he wasreally happy about that. It was a big tournament and a lot of otherschools were there."

Anna turned around and looked at me. She brushed a stray hair out ofher eyes and gave me a piercing look.

"Are you ok?" she asks.

"Yeah, yeah I'm ok. Why?"

"You just seem a little jumpy."

I put on my best smile. I've got to learn to hide my feelings alittle bit better. I don't want to do this but I'm not ready to tell Annathe truth. I don't think I'll ever get used to hiding my true feelingslike this. "I'm alright. Just that I get tired with the honors classsometimes, ya know and it is a Monday."

She reaches up and touches my face gently. "You know high schoolisn't forever and you won't have to deal with them much longer. They'reidiots."

I reach for hand and kiss her fingers. "I know."

She smiles back and I wonder what the hell I'm doing. This is onehell of a girl. Anyone would be lucky to have her.

"Err, maybe you should get a room."

I hear a cough from behind Anna and I see Cal standing there with hisbooks.

"Hey, there you are," says Anna. "We've been wondering where youwere this morning."

Cal just smiles and gives me a look. At least I think he gives me alook and rocks back and forth with his hands shoved in his pants, "I justhad to take care of some things before school this morning."

"Oh," I hear myself say. Did he see me kiss her hand? Is he upset?

"Hey, guys," Anna says grabbing her books, "I need to get to classearly too. I need to clean my brushes before I start work on my nextpainting for Art Class. Why don't you both walk me?"

Cal turns and smiles at Anna, "Go on ahead. I got to go to my lockerfirst."

His locker? He has everything with him that he needs. I know. Ihave first period English with him and his book is already under his arm.

"Oh, ok," I stutter back somewhat alarmed. He just showed up and nowhe's leaving?

"Bye," he says and turns around and walks off.

"Bye," both Anna and I say in unison -- she with a bit morecasualness than me.

I walk Anna back to class and we plan where to go for lunch. Afterdropping her off I head straight to first period hoping to get to talk toCal before the bell rings.

"Hi," I say to him a bit nervous as I approach my seat towards therear of the class. He is in his usual seat next to me in the row over. Ifind him staring down at the desk and his head propped up on his hand.

He straightens up a bit having realized that I had walked into class."Hey."

There aren't that many students in class yet. The bell is at least agood 10 to 12 minutes away. I put my books away and turn towards him."Cal? What's up?"

He doesn't look at me but I hear him sigh, "Nothing."

"Bullshit," I respond.

He looks up and glares at me. "Do I have to go there, Carlos?"

I close my eyes and sink into my seat further. "You saw me kissAnna's hand, right?"

"Yeah."

"Cal, it's not what you think, ok?" I reply.

He looks down and sighs. "You know it's just hard for me to see youwith her when I'm the one that wants to be with you like that. I know wecan't just come into school holding hands or sharing lockers. And I knowthat we gotta be careful especially with Anna, but it still doesn't meanthat I have to like it."

I look around quickly to see if there is anyone else in the class tosee if I could reach over and take Cal's hand, but I see that there are toomany students here now. "I know. It scares me too but we have to becareful."

"What about Anna?" asks Cal. He stops looking down at the ancientdesk we use in this class and looks me in the eye.

"Just give me some time, ok? Let me figure something out," I sayquietly so that no one can hear my voice that I've tried to make soundtender and loving.

"Fine, but do you still love her?" he haltingly asks like he's afraidto hear the answer.

I inch as close as I think I can go without it looking to weird andwhisper, "Cal. I want to be with you. You have to know that. It's you.But, I also care a lot for Anna. Of all the people who could get hurt theworst and who doesn't deserve it's her."

He looks back at me and tries to smile.

"Ok?" I ask trying to get some kind of positive response.

"I know. I know. I know," he says shaking his head. "I'm just beingselfish."

"Don't be sorry, Cal. Just promise to talk to me and that you willalways remember that it's you I choose, ok?"

"Ok"

"What did you want to do today after class?" I ask trying to changethe subject and hoping that I might get some time with Cal alone at hishouse.

"I dunno. I guess we'll see what things are like after debatepractice. I'm sure we're going to go over the results and the cases we hitthis weekend," responds Cal.

I chew my lip and think if there's any way we can get out of that butI realize that we can't. "Yeah. With the district meet coming up I'm surewe're going to have to stay and go over the cases we ran against with therest of the team. But, "I add, "why don't we see if I can spend the nightat your place?"

Cal smiles for the first time today, "For real?"

"Yeah, I don't think my mom would mind especially if I say we arestudying for a test or something like that."

"Heh... that would be really nice," says Cal.

He stops in mid-sentence and looks around. I follow his gaze and seethat there are more students now and that the class bell is about to ring.He looks back at me and quickly mouths the word I love you.

I sigh and say, "The same."

The rest of the day went by so painfully slow. Cal and I had mostclasses together but not all. During lunch Anna, Cal, and myself plus someof Anna's other friends went out to eat at Wendy's. It was a little weirdsince Anna kept grabbing my hand and acting like you would expect anygirlfriend to act. It was really nothing out of the ordinary for a cuteboy/girl couple. However, Cal on the other hand really tried. I couldtell it was still bugging him that I was affectionate with Anna but atleast it wasn't like this morning. Though he seemed a bit put out I couldtell that he understood.

Debate practice was a chore. We had to go over all the cases andstrategies that the other teams had used against us during the debatetournament and since there are 4 teams who each debated a minimum of fourpreliminary rounds that meant we had to go over 16 cases.

Finally we were able to finish at about 6 o'clock. My mother agreedreluctantly to let me go Cal's house. I swear that woman wants to run mylife till the day I die.

"Anna called you while you were outside mowing the lawn," my mothershouted from her bedroom.

"Why didn't you say..." I started to say while I was washing up in thebathroom.

"I told her that you were busy doing your chores. She may be yourgirlfriend but she has to understand that I'm your mother and that I comefirst."

I drop my head and grip the sides of the sink trying not to lose it."Mother, she's not like that. Why do you make her sound to be so awful?"

"Well," she says from behind startling me. I hadn't heard walk downthe hall, "I know how girls can be. They think that they can just becomenumber one just like that over night."

I turn and sigh, "Mother. She's not like that. She's not trying tocompete with you for my attention."

"Oh really?" my mom says crossing her arms. She's got that look onher face when she thinks she's got me trumped. "Then why did she sound sosurprised when she found out that you were spending the night at Cal's?"

Ok. She got me there. I had forgotten tell her, that's why.

I try and recover. "Cal and I just talked about on the way home, ok?I can't very well get on the phone with her and tell her when youimmediately attack me with the lawnmower!"

"Hrmph," my mom says buying the answer but she doesn't give up. "Youhave responsibilities and I don't you or anyone else to forget that. WhatI say comes first before anything else."

"Fine," I say. There's no point arguing and I edge around her to getout of the bathroom and go to my room.

"Hey, watch your attitude, boy!" she says. She's taken to using theword `boy' to remind me that even though I'm a high school senior that I'mstill her son. "You better watch it if you still want to go to Cal'stonight and stay on the debate team.

I pack my overnight stuff, a change of clothes, and books and walkover the few blocks to Cal's. I manage to dodge my mother the rest of thetime that I am getting ready but she corners me as I'm walking out thedoor. She reminds me to not to be too much trouble, not to stay up toolate, and to stay out of the way and help Cal's mother with the dishes. "Idon't want you to be a bother," is the last thing I hear as I walk awayfrom my house.

I get to Cal's and his mom answers the door, "Hi, Carlos!"

"Hello Mrs. Grant. How are you?" I say politely.

"Oh, I'm fine. It's Cal I'm a little worried about. I'm so glad youcame to spend the night. Cal needs a friend right now especially after allthat mess with Yvette."

"Well I never really liked her," I say more to make her feel better.

"I'm so glad to hear you say that," she adds. "Take your things toCal's room, honey. He's in there getting setup for you. And when you boysare done come out and I'll have something ready for you to eat."

"Thanks," I put on a smile and walks towards Cal's room.

I knock on the door and yell, "Open up! It's the police!"

I hear Cal's mom laugh in the kitchen and something crash in Cal'sroom.

"Ouch! Fuck" I hear Cal grumble. "Come in."

I open the door careful to close it behind me so that we won't getinterrupted his mother while I properly greet my boyfriend. I turn andscan the room and I don't see him anywhere. Walking in further I peeraround bed and find him lying on the floor gripping his bare foot whilewearing just those shorts of his he should have thrown away when he was asophomore.

His eyes are winced shut and he's breathing pretty hard, "Fuck fuckfuck..."

He's wet too I notice and I start to laugh, "Well if you insist." Isit on the floor next to him.

"Shut up, you dork, this hurts," he says trying to sound injured andlaugh at the same time.

I put my hand on the one he's holding his foot, "I can kiss it andmake it better." I look at him and he holds my gaze. I look down at hisfoot and rub it with my hand. His big toe is red and angry and probablyfrom having hit on the weight bench in the middle of his room. He moans asI rub the instep and pad of his foot careful not to touch his big toe whileI slowly elevate his leg towards my face. I kiss his toe lightly nevertaking my eyes off of his.

"That all better now?" I ask still rubbing his foot.

"Mmmm yeah," he moans back.

"Good," I smile and look at the rest of his body. He's hair andchest is still damp from the shower and he smells really good. I let mygaze travel down his leg and notice that he's getting a little excited.Who wouldn't notice in those shorts of his especially since I can see upthe leg of those shorts and see he isn't wearing underwear.

I place his foot on the other side of me so that I'm between his legsand crawl up the length of his body kissing my way up his leg, skipping theobvious bulge, up his chest to where I'm laying full on him face to face.

"You still thinking about that toe of yours," I whisper?

His eyes are calm now. "No."

"Good."

I lean my face down and let my lips brush his lightly. He respondsby taking the lead and his mouth devours mine. I let him take me and Imean more than just physically. I fell him envelope me totally.

I break the kiss gently and remind him that his mother is waiting forus to get eat the dinner she prepared for us.

"I don't want to show up with bruised, red lips at the dinner tablewith your parents so we'd better cool it," I say rolling off him to oneside.

He sighs contentedly and looks my way with his hands behind his head."Fine, but you started this."

"Well it got you from crying like a baby!" I tease back.

He smiles and I sense him being more relaxed than I have ever seenhim. "You tasted like a foot."

I laugh and pull him up from the floor. "Come on. Let's go eatbefore you mom comes looking in her and finds you wearing those hoochiemomma shorts."

"I thought you liked them," he says changing into a pair of nicershorts and into a t-shirt. "Quit staring at my butt!"

I giggle and grab him and we head to the dinner table to eat with hisparents. His parents are really cool. They actually seem to want theirson to be happy and have a good time. It makes me think of my mother andhow hard she can be on me. Ever since she and my father divorced when Iwas in 8th grade she's expected more of me: chores, running errands, takingcare of my brother. But, sitting here with Cal and his folks I notice adifference between our families. I've never really paid attention to thatdifference. I've just always accepted my family for what it was: a groupof people that I had to endure. Everyday was a challenge on how to keepsecrets and how not to piss of my parents, kind of the way that a prisonerhas to watch it with the guards.

Cal isn't on guard with his, though. He's casual and comfortable ina way that I never thought possible at the dinner table. He's just a kidbeing cared for under his parent's roof.

I don't know what that says about me.

"Sweetie," says startling me out of my thoughts.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Yes?" I respond guessing that Cal's mom has askedme a question.

"Your dinner, sweetie? Don't you like it?" she asks pointing at myplate.

"Oh no, ma'am it's fine. Really!" I say looking nervously betweenher and Cal's father, who joined us at the dinner shortly after we satdown.

"We can make you something else, if you don't like the chicken," shepresses further.

"No, please. It's fine," I answer looking at Cal for some help withhis parents. "Don't worry about it. I like it. Really, I do. I wasjust... thinking about things I have to do for school tomorrow," I lie aboutthe thoughts and not about the food.

"Well, good, I know you boys have some homework to do so we won'tkeep you up too much longer," she adds.

I smile back and make a show of eating my dinner which is reallygood. Throughout the rest of dinner I focus on the people around me andtry not to think of what I don't have at home.

We ate our dessert and Cal and I head back to his room where weactually do complete our homework, though with a few breaks for some makingout.

"So tell me the truth," Cal says breaking a kiss while we listen tomusic.

"What," I smile back.

"You hated my mother's cooking."

"Ha! No way! It was great."

"Then what was with your whole spaz routine at dinner," he laughskissing my hand.

"Nothing," I smile back. "It's just you got it real goodhere. You've got the nice house, cool parents, cool car, cool everything."

"What? And you don't?"

I pull away and sit up, "Come on, Cal. You've been to my house.When have you seen me eat at the dinner table like that and not in myroom?"

"I don't know," he shrugs.

"Never! That's when!" I throw my hands in the air. "I have a crazyfamily and yours is normal. Face it. You got it good."

Cal looks down and sighs, "Well for now at least."

I know what he's trying to say. I can only imagine how my parentswill react once they realize I'm gay. I'm sure it will be far worse thanwhatever Cal has to go through with his.

I lean back into him against his chest, "You know that they'll takeit far better than my mother ever would and you know that."

He sighs and looks at me. We both know the answer but he does me thefavor of not speaking it out loud.

He reaches up with his hand and pulls my hair from my eyes gently."Maybe just for tonight we can pretend that we don't have to worry aboutthat?"

I sigh and drop my shoulders lower not realizing how tense I hadbeen. "Sooner or later, Cal..."

"Sooner or later is not tonight, ok?" he interrupts. "Right now it'sjust you and me. Forget my parents. They're dead to the world right now.They won't wake up till tomorrow morning."

"So if it's just us, then this is our bedroom...our place."

"Yeah," he responds pulling down on the bed with him, "our bed, ourtime to do whatever we feel like."

I know better than to let go and forget about everything that'shappening outside this room right now but I just don't feel like worryingright now. I just need my life to be not complicated for an hour or so.Is that too much to ask?

"Ok, in that case," I say as I lean in for a kiss.

"Ah, wait a second. Wait a second. Before we get going here let meget ready for bed. Brush the teeth, change in to my pj's, ..." he sayssmiling and getting up from the bed.

I laugh. "PJ's? You are seriously not wearing PJ's to bed are you?A guy your age?"

He smiles wickedly, "You might like my PJ's. They're sexy and I'vehad them since the day I was born."

I grin realizing what he meant, "Hurry up and brush your teeth so Ican get you naked!"

"I'll be right back," he says kissing me before jumping up andrunning to the bathroom. "Give me about 10 minutes or so. I got somebusiness to take care of too. Make yourself at home. It's your bed afterall too."

I lean back down on the bed and smile wondering how the hell all ofthis could ever have come true.

Just for tonight -- no worries. Yeah, right! It will be me and himin bed as lovers, naked! Anna and I have never gone that far at all. Iwas always scared about what it would be like with her not knowing if I wasgoing to be good enough if we ever decided to have sex. Cal on the otherhand I did have sex with Yvette. That was just a given. He probably isn'tas worried as I am about it.

I got off the bed and decided that I was going to strip down andcrawl into bed first. That way he didn't have to see me naked. He'd haveto feel me before he saw me I thought to myself as I started to pull myshirt and socks off.

Tap.

I stop for a second with half my foot out of my sock. Did I justhear something?

Tap. Tap.

"Cal?" I half whisper and half shout. "Do you need something?"

"No, why?" I hear from behind the bathroom door.

Tap. Tap.

This time I can tell it's coming from the direction of the bedroomwindow across from his bed.

I freeze for a second and then manage enough sense to crouch down andhead to the bathroom door. "Cal!," I whisper.

"Uh... I'm not done so can you wait just a little bit longer?"

"Cal!" I repeat. "I think there's someone at the window."

"What!"

"There's someone tapping on the window!" I say somewhat agitated.

I hear a pause come from the other side of the door before he says,"Fuck."

"Uh, clue me in here, Cal. What the fuck is going on." I say.

I hear him flush and barely have time to move away from the doorbefore he knocks me over. He crouches down next to me and grabs me by theshoulders. "There's only one person that comes over and does this... wellused to do this that is."

"Who?"

He looks down for a second and then looks up at me and strains tosay, "Yvette."

Tap. Tap. "Cal! Are you awake!" we hear her voice say from behindthe window. Thank god the curtains are drawn. "Open the fucking window,god damnit."

"What the hell is she doing here?" I say grabbing his arm tightly.

"I don't know," he says wild eyed and pulling away from me.

"Well you're not going to just let her wake up the whole house!"

"I told you! My parents can't hear anything. They are way over onthe other side of the house."

"Cal! Damnit! Open the fucking window!" yells Yvette from outside.

Cal start to get up and head to the window like he's going to open itbut I reach up and haul him back down. "What the hell are you going todo?"

"I'm going to open the window and talk to her. She can and will wakeup my parents if she wanted to," he says. Before I have chance to doanything he springs up and opens the curtains.

"It's about fucking time... I don't think this is the way the youshould treat the mother of your..." she quips angrily at Cal before catchingsight of me still crouched by the bathroom door.

"What!?" we both say at once...

"Oh hell," is all that she manages to say.

--1995--

"It feels like hell's frozen over."

I flinch out of my reverie; startled by a voice behind me.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you there," says the woman. "Youjust look all sad and tired sitting there on that bench."

I stand up and straighten and pull my muffler around my neck a littletighter out of nervousness. "I'm just here looking for my grades."

"You know, those should be coming to you in the mail any day now ifyou're patient enough. Besides, most of the buildings are locked up thistime of year around campus," she responds.

"I..I know," I stammer for some reason thinking that I have toexplain myself, "but I thought I could come check."

She pauses and looks me in the eye for a second before reaching intoher purse, "My name is Sharon Hinkle. I'm the Assistant Dean of Students.I was just taking care of a few things before the Holidays in my officewhen I saw you from my office window," she says gesturing to the buildingbehind me.

"Are you sure you're ok," she says handing me something.

"Yeah, yeah. I'm fine. Just not much for the Holidays," I saytrying to smile somewhat.

She cocks her head slightly they way someone does when they don't buythe shit your selling and points to a business card in my hand, "That's myoffice line and my pager if you ever need anything, ok?"

I look down at the card and back at her as she walks away towards theparking lot. "Uhm, sure."

"Now if you are going to hang around campus and stare at nothing allday, why don't you go the student union and do it where it's warm. It's socold out that I bet you can't feel your legs," she yells back over hershoulder.

I whisper back, "That's the whole point."