"Babe, don't do that," a guy's voice whines. Shit, that freaked meout. I'd been too engrossed in my notes that I hadn't heard him comingdown the sidewalk. Looking up from my notebook while on the bench I can seehis breath steam from behind the tree that university had planted 25 yearsago for some long tenured, dead professor. I'm sitting in the mainuniversity quad that is ringed by buildings on all sides and has itssidewalks bordered by large trees.

"Why," a girl's voice teases back in the cold December air.

I can't see her. She must be pressed closed into the guy's chest.

"You know how you get me when you do that," replies the guy in ahusky voice.

"Hmmm? And how's that? I'm just trying to keep my hands warm.You can't blame a girl on a fucking cold day like this, can you?" shewistfully replies.

"Well you should have brought your gloves! Besides, someone mightcome along and see us." he answers animatedly. He looks around the quadnot realizing that I'm sitting on a bench just on the other side of thetree.

"Don't be such a wuss, babe. No one is out here. Everyone is inthe library too busy studying for finals. And anyway, they can't see whatI'm doing underneath this huge coat of yours. No one knows what I'm doingmuch less hear what you're saying," she answers emphasizing her misguidedbelief that they are alone.

Sigh

I thought I could get some reading done before my lastreview session out here in the quad. She's right, you know. The librariesare too jammed packed for me to find a comfortable nook for me to settle inand study. So after looking for a secluded spot in the library I decidedto bundle up and study here out on a cold, wintry day. The snow from lastnight's storm is still pretty solid since the temperature hasn't gottenabove freezing today. And, thankfully, there's no wind or else I'ddefinitely be inside somewhere trying to study.

"You wanna go back to my apartment if you're so shy?" the girlpurrs back insinuatingly.

"Kara," whines the guy, "I've got a test tomorrow. I need tostudy."

God, this guy bellyaches a lot; though, from the tone of his voiceI can tell he's seriously contemplating going back to her apartment. He'sa guy with a dick after all.

"I promise I'll let you study...afterwards," giggles the girl.

The girl's just as horny as he is complainer.

They both laugh and even though I'm not peering around the tree Ican sense a kiss in the silence. Their winter coats rustle in the cold airand I stop pretending that I'm actually getting any reading done and lookup from my book. I can see part of the guy's back as he's leaning downinto the kiss. I don't know if they're in love, but the fact that they canopenly make out in the open leaves me feeling a little jealous and moreoversad.

Must be nice.

"Eeeek!" squeals the girl.

I gasp and jump at the same time sending my notes to the ground. Imust have sighed a little to loud just then and caught the girl'sattention.

"Huh...wh...what?" says the guy whipping around and shielding thegirl protectively.

I manage a weak smile and wave a simple hi.

In a matter of seconds the guy's face registers numerous thingseach of which I catch. At first he's pissed that I'm there on the benchwatching them. Then the realization hits him that I'm not the one thatdecided to have a make out session in the middle of the quad. Then hisface turns beet read and he stammers, "Uh...s...sorry about that, guy.Didn't' see you sitting there."

"It's ok," I reply feeling kind of pissed and amused at the sametime. I'm more pissed than amused, though.

All three of just sit there and say nothing for a couple of secondsand then I decide to make a big show of getting my books and notes into mybackpack. "Well, the quad is all yours now. I'm going to head to thelibrary where it's warm. Have a good one."

I start walking away when I hear the girl gasp, "Oh my god. I'm soembarrassed."

I don't look back. I just keep walking briskly towards the libraryhalf pissed and half wanting to cry. I don't really know why I'm pissed.Actually I do. People like them have it so easy. They don't have to worryabout getting beat up if someone catches them kissing out in the quad evenif it was full of students and in the middle of summer. It's ok for them.It's acceptable.

Me, on the other hand is any other story entirely. You can't beginto imagine what some people would do if they found two guys kissingtogether in private far away from everyone much less out in public. Itwasn't... well it's just not fair. I guess that's what's making mefeel like wanting to cry right now. It's so normal what they have. And mylife right now is anything but normal. There's all that shit with themurders and the media and then there's Jeff. I really, really do like himbut how am I supposed to have a normal relationship with him when hedoesn't really know me. I can't tell him. I'd stop hustling but I needthe money. Then of all things there's final exams to deal with.

They're days, moments really, when I feel like I have a handle onone thing and I know what to do to make it all work out. But, then I goremember something else and it all just falls apart in my head. I nevercan seem to get ahead. I get so fucking frustrated and it's all hitting atonce, you know?

I get into the library and find a place to sit among the crowdedtables. It's not how I like to study, but it will have to do. Though thewalk to the library has soothed my anger, I still find it hard toconcentrate on studying. My mind keeps wandering from one thing toanother: from Jeff to Ian to Harold to Tim, and you get the picture.Forty-five minutes later I still haven't gotten past the first page of mynotes.

Ah fuck! Maybe I should just fuck the finals, drop out of college,and have Ian teach me everything he knows about being a mechanic – not!Ian. Fuck, I was such a shit to him that night. After we'd held eachother for a few minutes he got up and started pacing all over his apartmentand repeating, "Oh my God" over and over while I just sat there stunned. Iremember looking for my shoes and socks and getting ready to leave when hegrabbed me by the shoulders begging me to stay with him. But I said Icouldn't. He was way too wound up for me and I just wanted to go home andcrawl into my bed and sleep for days. Which I almost did, but I managed toget up the next day and get on with my life and classes. I feel bad forleaving Ian in the lurch like that when he needed someone especially sincehe's really reached out to me. I really should go and see him after finalsand see how he's doing.

I squeeze my eyes shut and pinch the bridge of my nose trying toshake those thoughts so I can study for a little while longer on AncientMyceanean Civilizations. It shouldn't be too hard of a final - justmemorizing pictures and slides of pottery and excavation sites.

A couple of hours later I'm off to the review session. Theclassroom is full unlike the way it was during most of the semester withstudents not bothering to show up. The professor is a bit of a bore, soyou can't blame them for not coming, but now the room is packed. Halfwaythrough the review there's a knock on the door and the professor is calledaway to deal with whoever is there.

A few moments later a university police officer pokes his head backthrough the door and the professor points in my direction. He couldn't bepointing at me, right? Everyone around me glances at me and they must bewondering what I had done. I look behind me thinking that he has to havepointed at someone behind me. There has to be! There must be some otherstudent sitting right behind me who has an overdue book, hadn't registeredfor the class, paid his tuition or stole a car. But the girl sittingbehind is looking right back at me with this look on her face as if to saywhat an asshole I am for even thinking that this has anything to do withher.

"Mr. Garza, could you come down here for a second? These gentlemenwould like to speak with you," said the professor.

These men? There's more than the one? Fuck! What the hell dothey want with me? My stomach drops to my knees and I haltingly get upfrom seat not knowing whether I'm supposed to take my books or leave themor what. I decide to take them since I have no idea how long this is goingto take.

Shit! The room goes silent as everyone stares wondering what thehell I must have done. I take a deep breath and walk over to the door whereI find the police officer and some other guy in a suit.

"If you don't mind," says the professor turning to the officer,"but I'd like to get back to my review. I have a tight schedule today.

"Go right ahead, Professor Devon," says the officer. "We won'tkeep you."

With that the professor shuts the door and I'm left standingoutside in the hall with the cop and the guy in the suit.

"Mr. Carlos Garza?" asks the guy in the suit. He's a big guy who'staller and a lot rounder than me wearing a blazer that's about 2 sizes toosmall to go around his belly. His face is puffy and red like someone who'sknown way too many hamburgers and beers.

"Uh...y...yeah?" I stammer.

"I'm Detective Collins with the City's Homicide Division and thisis Officer Meneffee of the University Police Department. I'd like to askyou a few questions about the murders of Scott Turow and Tim Hegemon."

My face must have done something stupid like lose its color or dropmy jaw to floor or both, "I...I... uhm...Tim who?" Shit. How does he knowthat I knew those guys?

"Mr. Garza," he grumbles in a thick voice, "Let me level with you."He places his rough hand on my shoulder and pulls me to him, "I don't havetime for any bullshit, ok? There's things I know about you already. Forinstance I know you're an escort and that you work for Harold Jebens. Thesame Harold Jebens that employed the two murder victims. And you want toknow who told me that?" he asks sarcastically. "Your boss Harold did"."So cut the innocent act."

Oh shit! I'm going to fucking jail! I tense up and his grip on myshoulder only gets stronger.

Detective Collins must have read my mind cause the next thing hesays is, "No. No I'm not going take you in. I'm not vice cop so I don'tgive a shit what you do for turning a few bucks. But what I do care aboutis catching whoever it was that killed your playmates," he sneers the wordplaymates and shakes me a bit. "So that being said I really don't have anytime for your crap. The longer we wait the more likely another buddy ofyours ends up in pieces." He lets me go and pulls on his thick mustachewaiting for me to say something.

I nod my head and look down at the floor wishing that it would justopen up and swallow me whole. I guess there's no point in not cooperating.Sensing my hesitancy he adds, "I'm just going to ask you some questions.Now we can do this here on campus at the campus police station or we cantake a ride down in my squad car to the precinct station house.

"Uhm, h...here is fine," I stutter. I know a threat when I hearone. Officer Meneffee speaks up, "We can walk there from here, DetectiveCollins. The campus station's only a 5 minute walk across campus by thefootball stadium."

"Alright," responds the Detective.

We leave the building and I walk sandwiched in between theuniversity officer and Detective Collins and I'm just praying that I don'trun into anyone that I know. I feel like throwing up despite my bestefforts to keep from freaking out. I keep telling myself that if theyreally wanted to arrest me or take me in for something serious they alreadyhave had me in cuffs and in a car headed to the city jail.

We're almost to the station when I hear someone call me frombehind. "Carlos?"

I turn to find Jeff standing there with his swim gear slung overhis shoulder. "Oh, hi." I smile. Ok what the fuck am I gonna do now?

The detective and the officer stop as I turn to talk to Jeff and Ihope they won't say anything. "I'm ok. It's nothing," I smile my broadestsmile and trying to put on my best show voice. "I...I just had some ofstuff stolen from the library while I went to the bathroom and I'm goingwith these guys to file a report." I laugh trying to make light of thewhole situation. "They're hoping I can point someone out in a lineup."

The officer and the Detective Collins exchange a quick glance witheach other wondering what the hell I'm talking about. It's an exchangethat's not lost of Jeff as he probes further, "Are you sure you'realright?"

"Yeah. Yeah I'm fine," I reply emphatically patting his armthrough his leather jacket. "Don't worry."

He raises his eyebrow quizzically. Ok, he's not buying this. "So,if you're going with these guys to look at photos what good is that goingto do if you were in the bathroom at the time your stuff was stolen? Andbesides you seem to have your bag with you and your stuff."

Shit. He's got a point. I gotta come up with a way out of this."Well..."

"That's because what got stolen was his wallet and his calculator,"interrupted Detective Collins in a strained voice. "And he might haveactually seen the guy or girl for that matter lurking around the librarystacks while he was studying. These types of criminals stalk their victimsand choose to go for people they know who have stuff of value. We've gotsome mug shots of some of these thieves we've caught in the past. He couldidentify one of them."

"Oh," was Jeff's simple reply. The explanation from the detectivehimself seems to have assuaged his worries.

"So, if you don't mind, we'd like to get going," adds DetectiveCollins.

"Sure. No prob," replies Jeff simply. Turning to me he adds,"Hey, if you need any money or anything let me know, ok? I don't want yougoing without food or anything like that."

My heart swells a bit with the offer. I can't believe he'soffering to help me like this, but on the other hand I really can't takethe offer since I really haven't had anything stolen. "Nah, it's ok. Theyreally didn't get much cash and I've already cancelled my credit card.Thanks, though," I smile back. Gawd, no one's offered to help me like thatsince Cal. It's a nice feeling.

"Are you sure, cause it's not a problem," he presses further whileplacing his hand on my shoulder comfortingly.

"Yeah, I'm sure," I reply with a smile.

"Mr. Garza," says Detective Collins tersely reminding me that weneed to get going.

I turn back and glance at him. I can tell I don't want to push itany further with him. Already he's done me a favor, for some reason, bykeeping my cover with that phony explanation to Jeff. "Ok... I'm sorry."Turning to Jeff I say, "Hey, I gotta go, ok? I'll catch you later."

He leans into me as if he's going to kiss me and I instinctivelyflinch. He lets go of my arm realizing that I really don't want to kiss infront of the police. He sighs, "Yeah ok. Call me, ok?"

"Ok"

He turns and starts in the direction where his friends had beenheading.

"That's no one of your johns, is it?" asks Officer Meneffee as wecontinue to the station.

"No," I answer sternly looking at the guy like he's crazy. Seewhat I mean. If it were that couple from the quad earlier, that wouldn'thave been a problem to them, but since it's two guys they assume the worst.

Putting his hands up mock surrender he says, "Hey, hey! Don't getpissed at me. I'm not the hustler here. I see a guy offer a guy like youmoney and I have to wonder if it's on the up and up."

"He's not a john, ok?" I reply angrily and start heading in thedirection of the police station with the detective and the officer in tow.

"Oh, I see. He's one of you then," smirks the officer thinkingthat he's got it all figured out. "He seems to have a pretty expensiveleather jacket for a student."

"No," I whirl around and face Meneffee squarely as we're enteringcampus police station. "He's not. He just happens to come from a wealthyfamily, ok? He has nothing to do with this."

"Ooooh. A wealthy family," replies Meneffee mockingly. "So, youfigure this guy is your meal ticket out of here."

Ok, I've had it! The guy is just pushing my buttons for the hellof it! I don't care if I'm in the middle of a police station full of cops.I'm going to deck this smug son of a bitch. "Fuck you..."

"Hey!" barks out Detective Collins while grabbing me from the arms.Damn, despite the guy looking all fat and pudgy the guy sure is strongerthan he looks. "Cut the crap! Both of you," he adds nodding in thedirection of the officer. "If you don't mind officer, I'll do thequestioning."

The officer stops and leads us to the interrogation room. Some ofthe other police officers who had rushed out into the foyer when they heardus yelling are eyeing me menacingly thinking that I might just trysomething again. Meneffee opens the room and starts to seat himself whenDetective Collins asks him to leave.

"If you don't mind, I'd like to do this alone." The look onDetective Collins' face leaves no room for arguing and the officer leavesus in the small room. I try to get my heart rate down and calm down enoughto take in my surroundings. Sweat is dampening my shirt and dripping downmy forehead after having exerted myself like I did. I'm in a small roomwith a couple of chairs around a small table - your typical interrogationroom you'd see in something like a Law and Order episode

"You want something to drink," asks Detective Collins flatly. Irefuse with a shake of my head. I don't like this guy. I can deal withthat Barney Fife of a police officer out there. He's a dumb ass but thisguy is different – more dangerous. Police like him don't go out on alimb and cover for people like me like he did with Jeff unless they wantsomething.

"So," he says leaning back in his chair with his hands on his head."Was that your boyfriend I just lied to out there?"

"No," I say simply and quietly trying to watch my tone of voice.

"Hmmm," says the detective nodding his head. "He's not because youdon't let him."

I don't say anything. I just stare blankly at the wall behind him.

"But I figure you don't let him because he doesn't know youhustle," he adds. "You're afraid that if he knew the truth that he'd dropyou just like that," he says snapping his fingers.

I bite my lower lip in frustration. I hate it when I get dissectedlike this. It's one thing to have Harold do it but it's entirely anotherwhen some cop is doing it to get under your skin. I decide to answer totruthfully, "Yeah, it's something like that."

He eyes me a couple of seconds analyzing what I said as much as howI said it. He then reaches in his blazer for a pen and starts writing,"Ok, let's get this going so you can get back to your guy before he startsworrying again."

I let that pass – not that I had much choice.

"So did you know Tim and Scott outside of the hustling thing you dofor Harold?" he asks.

Fuck. What if Harold finds out I started talking about hisbusiness. I try and figure out a way to tell him only what he needs toknow. "I didn't know them at all. I just saw them once and a while."

"And where did you see them," he pokes further not bothering tolook up from his pad.

"Uhm...just out at the bars, you know." I better not say that Iwould see them at Harold's for our monthly meetings. That's definitelysomething he doesn't need to know.

"The one off of 8th and North Main," I add.

"So you never talked to them at all," he asks.

"No."

Ok," he says while adding to his notes. He shifts in his seat, "Sohow long have you been working for Harold Jebens?"

Fuck what do I say? "Ah... well," I say trying to stall.

"Look, son, don't lie to me or hold anything back. I'm actuallytrying to help you by catching whoever is doing this. There's no reasonfor you to hold back," he says.

Oh yes there is. He wasn't there the last time Harold talked toall his hustlers and warned us about saying anything. I look down betweenmy legs struggling with what to say. "It's not...it's not that."

"Ah," I light coming off in Detective Collins head, "you're worriedabout what old man Harold's gonna do if he finds out you've been talking.You don't need to worry about that. The last thing that man is going to dois try and whack one of his boys in the middle of a murder investigation.You don't think we'd be all over him if more of his boys starting droppingleft and right. As it is he's still a suspect."

That makes sense, I guess and I nod my head in understanding.

"So, how long have you been working for Harold?"

"For about 4 and a half years."

He continues to take his notes and asks me more questions about thekinds of johns I service, what they are like, if anyone sticks out in mymind for any particular reason, and so on down the line. I answer all hisquestions as best as I can hoping that he's right in that Harold won't comeafter me for talking. It takes all of 30 or 40 minutes since there's notmuch that I can tell him. I really didn't know Scott and Tim all that welland didn't know anything of value for his investigation.

"Well, I guess you're free to go for now. I have your address andphone number from the school records here at the university," he saysputting his pen back in his blazer. I nod in understanding.

He then leans forward and grips my wrist in a vide-like grip, "Now,this is the way I see it. I did you a favor out there with your boy. Icould have easily blown your cover, but I didn't. Now it's your turn toscratch my back. I want you to keep an eye out for anything or anyonesuspicious since I don't expect you to follow my advice and go get aregular job."

"Uh, ok," I promise. There's no harm in that I guess.

"But, he interrupts menacingly, "if I find out that you're holdingback anything about this investigation, all bets are off. I'll go findthat boy of yours out there and bring him in for questioning and thatwouldn't be a nice way for him to really get know you, would it?"

I take a deep breath and try and control my anger. I stand to headto the door and grimace a reply, "Ok, I promise to tell you if I comeacross anything."

"Good, you do that."

I exit the room and leave the station for my apartment – fuckthe review. I'll just have to go over my class notes and the few reviewnotes that I took before leaving class today. Thankfully I don't run intoany problems or the dumb ass officer before I make to the bus stop. I needtime to think about what all this really means and how to deal with Haroldwhen he calls. I know I'm supposed to be on call tonight and I'm dreadinganswering the page from Harold. What do I say? Does he really know thatthey called? More importantly for me is what will he do when he finds out.

I board the bus choosing to say at the very back seat on the bus.I don't want to be seen by anyone. I try and remain calm on the ridethere. It's like I feel I have this sign on me that says, "I just snitchedto the police" and everyone can see it. The window pane feels cold on myhead as lean on it and close my eyes. I just wish that I could open myeyes and find myself somewhere else and in someone else's life.

--1987—

I'm so fucking happy and wide awake that I'm starving! I've barelyslept since coming in from the debate trip last night and I'm surprised I'mthis spry and alert and hungry too! Though it's way early on Sundaymorning I decide a bowl of cereal is in order and head to the kitchenmaking sure not to make too much noise. My brother could sleep throughanything but my mother on the hand is like me – anything could wake her.Hell, a pin drop from the neighbors across the street could wake us up.

Yesterday was the best day of my life. Everything that I had hopedfor has come true. At least I hope it has. Maybe this is a dream likethat freaky season on Dallas. Cal never kissed me and he doesn't love meand I'm going to find someone in my shower.

Ok, so I'm a glutton for punishment. It's just that things neverseem to work out for me, you know? All last night I kept waking upthinking that all of what happened was a dream – that all of it onlyhappened in my head. Then, I tried hard to remember what I had actuallydone the day before since I'd convinced myself everything else was really adream. After a few minutes I'd start to laugh because it all really didhappen! He really did kiss me and he really does love me. And I love him.

Each time I tried really hard to get to sleep but I couldn't waitfor the morning. I listened to music, rearranged my closet, and evencleaned up my desk. But now it's just past dawn and I give up on gettingmore sleep.

I reach for the cereal box on top of the refrigerator and very,very quietly open the door to grab the milk. The cereal hisses as the milkpours through to the bottom of the bowl. I wonder if Cal is awake. Maybehe and I can have breakfast together. Is it too early to call? Would itseem too desperate? Ah hell, let me...

"Carlos what are you doing up so early? It's only 7:30?"

"Shit!" I jump out of my skin and I slosh some cereal to the floorfrom the bowl that I was holding.

My mom eyes me suspiciously. "What's wrong with you?"

"Nothing, I'm fine," I groan grabbing for some paper towels.

"Right," she says folding her arms across her chest. It's her wayof saying that she's not buying my bullshit today. "So you didn't answerme. Why are you up so early?" she presses further.

God, this woman can't ever let anything go. She's ok most of thetime, but if something is out of whack or someone does something out of theordinary, she gets suspicious as hell.

"I just woke up hungry. Is that ok?" I reply while on my hand andknees wiping up the mess I made.

She unfolds her arms and considers me for a second. "But you neverwake up this early on Sunday. Usually I have to wait till 10:30 to get youawake," she says. "Mother," I say getting up from the floor. "I just wokeup hungry, ok? I didn't eat much last night and woke up really hungry.They didn't stop on the way back from the tournament."

She stares at me for a second considering all this before sheanswers, "Ok, but make sure you rinse the cereal bowl. I don't want to sitthere and scrape dried cereal off the bowl because you forgot to rinse it.And, you're up to something or you did something. I know you."

"What!" I laugh back. "I just want cereal! Is that a crime?" Ican't fucking believe this.

"I heard you in your room last night. It was 3:30 in the morningand it sounded like you were having a party. What were you doing?"

"Nothing, just cleaning my room. I couldn't sleep," I say. Shit.She must have heard me last night when I couldn't get back to bed. "Ithought you'd be happy that my room is clean."

"Well yes, but most people don't decide to do it in the middle ofthe night and then that grin on your face and the way you jumped... well,let's just say that I know my son," she smiles this time. Ok, she's gonnalet up after all. "Listen, I want you ready by 11 to go to yourgrandmother's. It's her birthday and I want us to be there to help withthe kids."

"WHAT!" There go my plans to have breakfast with Cal. "Mother," Iwhine and drop my shoulders like I'm 10 years old again. "Do I have to?"

"Yes!" she says in her warning tone. "She's your grandmother andyou never know how much longer she'll be with us. So I want and yourbrother ready to go at 11!"

"Fine," I grumble and take the rest of my cereal to my room. Onthe way there I grab the phone from the hall and take it into my room tocall Cal. Don't get the wrong idea. I love my mom and she loves me. It'sjust that she can make me go from super calm and happy to stressed andtensed out in less than a second. I think all mothers are like that,though.

I start dialing Cal's number and wonder again if this is too earlyfor me to call. Did I ever really call him this early before? Fuck it.I'll just call. It rings three times before I hear him answer. Shit! Iwoke him up. He's gonna be mad at me.

"Hullo," he says sounding like he's been asleep. At least I thinkhe was asleep.

"Uh, hi... It's... it's me," I stammer into the phone.

"Hey, me. How are you," he chuckles into the phone. "You're upearly."

"I know. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have called and woken you up soearly," I say dismayed that he might really be mad.

"No, no," he utters soothingly reading my tone of voice. "It's ok.I'm glad you called. I was just thinking about you actually."

"Really?" I smile back into the phone.

"Really," he laughs. "So what's going on? You want to dosomething today?"

My cheeks flush. I can't believe this. He wants to do somethingwith me, but then I remember that I have to go my grandmother's later."Fuck!"

"Ooookay, he says. "If that's how you really feel about it."

"No, it's not like that. It's just that my mother is making me goto my grandmother's today for her birthday and I have no idea how long I'mgoing to be there." I pause. "I really do want to see you."

"Whew, you had me scared there for a second," he says soundingrelieved. "I thought you were having second thoughts about last night."

"No, not at all. Gawd," I chortle into the phone, "you have noidea how wrong you are. I kept waking up all night thinking that lastnight was a dream and that you really didn't like me."

"Why would you dream something like that?" he asks.

"I don't know. It's just that this seems too good to be true andbesides why would someone like you would like me?"

"Don't say that. It's like I told you last night. There are tonsof reasons why I love you," he replies emphatically. "Can't you believe meespecially after last night." I sigh into the phone realizing what anidiot I'm being. "Sorry."

"And you're going to have to stop saying that too. You're drivingme nuts," he replies with a chuckle. "Hey, it's still early enough for youto come over before you have to go with your mom. You want to come over?"

My heart leaps at the thought, "Yeah, that would be great. Wecould have some breakfast together. I spilt most of mine of the floor."

"What?"

"Nothing, I'll tell you later when I get there. It won't take melong to get dressed. Let me tell my mom and I'll be right over."

"Ok, see you when you get here."

I hang up the phone, get dressed, and cajole my mother into lettingme go to Cal's house. I promised her that I would be back in time for usto go to my grandmothers. She agreed and I think partly due to the factthat he only lives 3 blocks away.

On the way there I look around at my neighborhood and everything isstill the same but it's not, you know? I'm not quite sure what's happened.I shove my hands in my pockets and absent-mindedly kick at the loose gravelon the street. Something's changed. But, this is like any other time thatI've walked the same path to Cal's house. There's Kiwi, Mrs. Gonzalez'spet Doberman, in the backyard passed out as usual - not much of a guarddog. The 1974 Lincoln is still covered up in Mr. Norton's backyard –has like 500 miles on it and about that many spider webs inside. And thenthere's Mr. Davis out on his front porch smoking his Parliament cigarettes– at 75 he's still clicking along after 50 plus years of smoking. Ismile and politely wave at him; a gesture he returns.

Everything is the same, but I guess what's changed is me – andmy relationship to Cal. This is the first time going there ashis... boyfriend? Or am I his lover? But we haven't done anything sexualyet. Well there was the make out session on the bus... Oh fuck! What's myproblem? It's only been since last night! Take it easy, boy... one day ata time... one visit at a time... like this one... the first. Wow! Is hegoing to kiss me? Are we going to do anything more than kiss?

Do I want to?

Yes.

Fuck.

I knew that I loved him... I still love him, but I never thoughtI'd find myself here like this. It's like I said before I just haven'tquite made the connection that when you love someone like I love Cal thatthere's the physical aspect to contend with. I don't know what to do.

I laugh out loud to myself as I near Cal's house. I remember whenI was a kid and played truth or dare with my friends I used to say that youcould never pay me enough me to get me to kiss a guy. How things change,huh?

I arrive at his door and pause just a second before knocking,bracing myself for whatever happens.

"Hey," he says smiling holding the door open. I laugh. His hairis a fucking mess – bed head of brown hair going every which way. He'sin a t-shirt that he should have given away a long time ago. It's way toosmall for him. It could fit somebody as small as... as me. The shortswere no better either. He's had them at least since freshman year andwhile they did the trick then they now looked like something Madonna wouldwear.

"Hi," I smile back. The laugh has made my tension ease up a bit."Your clothes shrunk and what? Trying to look like David Bowie?" For asecond there it was like nothing had changed between us. We're just bestfriends and I'm coming over for a visit.

He laughs back. "Yeah, I kinda just lolled around in bed after wehung up - too lazy to get up. Come in. My parents left for church so it'sjust us."

"Oh really?" I say raising an eyebrow. And then just like thateverything's not the same again.

"Heh, yeah really, you perv," he laughs.

I follow him to his room where he proceeds to sit on his bed.Normally I would have sat anywhere... his desk, but this time I don't knowwhat I'm supposed to do. I'm still nervous about all this. Should I kisshim? When are you supposed to kiss?

He smiles and looks down at his feet. I'm guessing he's nervous asI am. "So...uhm... what would you... um like to do? You hungry?"

I bite my lip and smile partly out of nervousness and partly fromthe fact that I'm not the only one anxious here. "Yeah," I move to standin front of him and playfully tease, "make me something to eat, boy." Ioffer him my hand and I wait for him to take it. I hold my breath. Iwonder if he'll take my hand.

After staring at my hand for a second or two he glances up with anervous smile and grabs my hand. His large hand engulfs my small one and Ihaul him up to his feet and I pull him close to me. Damn. He's so muchbigger than me. I look down at his feet and remember when I used to standhead to head with him, but he passed me up in height somewhere along oursophomore year. My free hand haltingly snakes around his waist and I pullhim closer looking at the space between us. I just don't dare to look athim right now. I'm too afraid that I've gone too far – that this isn'treal.

"Hey," he whispers cupping my chin and tilting my head to look athim. "You ok?"

When I look in his eyes I don't see rejection or anger, even thoughI'm expecting it. Instead I see the person I fell in love with – theboy that makes me feel safe; the one who despite Yvette never gave up onme. I've never felt so safe in my entire life.

My breath catches, "Uh... yeah."

He smiles warmly, "I want this too, you know?" He pauses. "I'mjust as nervous as you are, but I need you to believe that I want this."

"I'm sorry..."I try and look away ashamed that I had doubted hisintentions from last night but he stops with his hand on my face.

"Carlos, look at me." His eyes are teary and resolute. "Stopthis. Don't do this to yourself. I know you think this isn't real or thisis some kind of joke. It's not like that."

"How do you know what I'm feeling?" I ask in a whisper.

"Because," he says stroking my cheek, "You're my best friend. Iknow you and I know what you've been through these past several years withClaudia and the rest of the class. I've seen what it's done to you.You're a strong guy - there's no doubt at that. I wouldn't have been ableto survive like you have. But like you told me the other night after theparty there's only so much you can take before it starts getting to you. Ican see that."

I stay quiet not knowing what to say.

"This is real, Carlos," he says gripping our hands to his chest."I love you." Not one to leave a good thing alone I push him further. Ineed to know. I need to understand, "But why? Why do you love me? Lookat me," I say taking a step back gesturing for him to take a good look atme. "I'm this short, pimply boy with glasses that no one should have everlet me bought. I'm a geek!"

He pulls me back and wraps his arms around me, "You're more thanjust that. Yes you have acne and I'm taller than you and I do have toagree with you about those glasses," he smiles. "But, I still love you.Do you remember when I broke up with Yvette and I told you that I neededsome time to think about things and that I was not going to be myself?

"Yeah."

"Well it's like I started to tell you last night. When I startedto think about the people that really meant the most to me in my life youkept coming out on top of the list. Everybody else like Yvette and Claudianever made the list. They weren't the ones who were there for me whenthings got bad or when I wanted to share something important. I'd thoughtabout all those times like that and realized that I was the happiest whensharing them with you. Yvette never made me feel like that.

"And I think I knew all this way before I broke up with Yvette butI was too chicken-shit to admit it to myself. So I kept it buried and Ijust went along with Yvette and did whatever she wanted me to until sheasked me to stop hanging out with you. That's when things came to a headfor me." He pauses for a second and lifts my hand to kiss it. "But Iwasn't going to let you go. So...uhm," he starts hesitating a bit, "I madethat deal with Yvette that I'm not proud of..."

I reach up and put my hand to his cheek, "I told you I'm overthat."

"I know," he says turning his face into the palm of my hand beforekissing it. "Then when I thought I had crossed the line by almost kissingyou a few weeks ago I was so lost. I couldn't bear losing you. I'd gonethrough so much to keep you in my life and there I had thought I'd gonepushed you out myself."

"But you didn't," I respond.

"Yeah, and it took you to pull me to my senses last night. Youwere the one that had the balls to come out and face this – not me. Soyou ask me again why it is that I like you? You're smart, funny, one ofthe bravest people I've ever known and above all you are my best friend. Ijust wish you could see yourself the way I see you. You're everything I'veever wanted in a ... partner."

A warm calm physically spreads across my chest and I lean forwardto cradle my head on his shoulder. I believe him now. "I love you."

"And I love you."

We don't say anything for a while. I just want to enjoy thesensation of being held in his arms.

"Partner, huh?" I laugh thinking about what he'd called me.

"Yeah," he laughs. "I'm still not sure what I'm supposed to callyou. I was afraid you'd find boyfriend too weird."

"Nah, boyfriend is fine. Partner sounds too much like we'regetting ready to go into a debate round." I look into his eyes for thefirst time confident that he really does love me.

"Ok, boyfriend it is," he grins.

I lean in closer and he meets me half way. He caresses my face andkisses me softly at first and then he increases the intensity like he'strying to show me that I belong to him now. I press myself closer to himand feel his body envelope mine and my dick begins to stir. Instinctivelymy hips begin to sway and rub against him. How I knew to do that I have noidea. It's not like Anna and I had even gone beyond a heavy make outsession (she's not that kind of girl). Shit. And I was worried that Iwasn't going to know what to do when it came right down to the nuts andbolts.

I can tell also that I'm not the only one responding. I've neverseen Cal naked but I can tell the dimensions of his penis through those"barely there" shorts as he presses up against me. As we kiss it continuesto harden and mine matches its pace. I'd never felt some other guy's dicklike that and when I realize full well what it is I jump back a bit. Hebreaks the kiss. "Sorry about that," he whispers huskily while his face isflushed.

I look down embarrassed that I'd let myself get carried away likethat. "It's ok."

"I thought you were hungry?" he murmurs in my ear.

"I am," I say resting my forehead against his chest, "but I don'twant to move from here."

"Come here," he says leading me to kitchen by the hand. "Let memake you something. Besides you said your breakfast ended up on the floorearlier."

"Oh yeah," I smile. I tell him the story of how my mom scared theshit out of me earlier this morning while he whips out some eggs, bacon,and toast for both of us. We sit at the table next to each other while weeat and he keeps reaching out to hold my hand and places his feet over mineunder the table.

"I had no idea you were so attention starved," I tease him while Iswallow some milk. "Were you always like this even with Yvette?"

"Nah, she was more sexual than anything else. She was never muchfor showing affection," he answers.

"Oh, you and Yvette had sex?" I asked stunned.

He looks down as if embarrassed. "Uh, yeah... um...well she wasmore experienced than... than I was when we first started going out."

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked. It's none of my business."

"No, don't. It's ok, really. I want to talk to you about this.You have a right to know. I just don't want you comparing yourself to her,ok? And I don't want you to think bad of me for having slept with her."

"I don't. I just hadn't thought that... that you and she had doneit, you know? That's all," I say trying to reassure him.

"What about you? Have you done it?" he asks turning the tables onme.

My face turns a bright red, "Ah, that would be no."

"You mean you and Anna never..." his voice trails off as he makes avague gesture with his hands.

God, I'm so embarrassed. I put my hand over my face. "No."

"Well that's nothing to be ashamed of," he says grabbing my handfrom my face. "Not everyone's on the same time schedule." He kisses myhand again and tries to a coax a smile from me. "I still love you."

It works. "I know it shouldn't be a big deal but it kinda freaksme out," I answer while tracing the lines on the palm of his hand with myfinger.

"What does?"

"This whole sex thing. Especially after I almost got carried awayin your room when we were kissing. I mean... I... I love you so much.But, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do," I splutter. "Are you andI... that is... er only if you wanted to, ok?" I get up and begin to paceand speaking faster thinking it would be easier if I just got it all out ina rush. "Cause I'm not sure I want to... uh wait." I stop and hang on theedge of table. Shit, I hope he doesn't get the wrong idea. "Let merephrase. I'm pretty sure I want to 'cause you are sooooo fuckingbeautiful and sometimes..." I start to say but lose my train of thoughtjust imagining him undressed; remembering when I saw his back flex in thepool, "and uh sometimes... like when we've been swimming I see you...get... um... out... of... the you know... um pool and uh you'rejust... wow!" I catch myself ogling him and start frantically pacingagain, "But, how do we?... And..."

"Stop it," he puts in a bear hug from behind. "You're going togive yourself a stroke." He rests his chin on my shoulder and whispers inmy ear. "Chill out. Everything is going to be ok. You don't have to doanything you don't want to, ok?"

God, I'm such a freak. I sag my body against his and let him takemy full weight. I don't worry that he'll drop me since I don't weight thatmuch. "I'm sorry." He sighs but doesn't let go. "Don't be," he pausesfor a second. It seems like he's looking for the right words, "Look, aboutthe sex. I'm just as nervous as you are. Before this I'd never thoughtabout having sex with another guy, but I know that I want to show you howmuch I love you. I want to make you feel good, but we can wait until we'reboth ready, ok?"

"Ok," I turn and place my head on his shoulder again. "Thank you.That's been really on my mind lately. I didn't know how you'd feel aboutit."

"Don't ever be afraid to talk to me"

"The same goes for you," I reply.

Still in his arms I reach up and bring his mouth to mine and weshare a sensual kiss - slow and passionate. I could stay like thisforever.

We finish eating our breakfast before heading back to his room.Once there he leads me to the bed and we lay there together and just relishthe feeling of being in each other's arms.

"There's one thing that we still need to talk about," he saysbreaking the warm, beautiful silence we were sharing.

"What's that?" I ask.

"What about Anna?"

And just like that I'm not so happy anymore. Fuck. "Damn," Iwhisper.

"I'm sorry, but I just think we need to talk about Anna. What areyou ... that is what are we going to do about Anna?" he asks quietly.

I feel a flash of anger when he mentions Anna like that. Likeshe's a problem the way Yvette was. But, Yvette can't even come close totouching Anna. Anna is 100% pure class. But I let it pass. I know hedidn't mean it like that.

"I don't know yet," I answer truthfully and solemnly. "I don'tknow." I repeat quietly.

He wraps me in his arms and strokes my hair, "Whatever happens Ijust want you to know that you are so worth this. I wouldn't trade thisfor anything." Sensing my turmoil he places his hand over my heart, "Idon't want you think that I'm going to make you do anything rash. I knowAnna is a great girl..."

"Yeah she's awesome," I interrupt while staring a hole into theceiling.

"Hey," he says shaking me gently, "it will be ok. We'll deal withthis together." "I know," I say turning to face him. "It's... it'sjust that Anna doesn't deserve this. Aside from you she's the only one whohas stuck by me through everything. I love her, but I love her as a friendnow. She's the one who should be swept away on some fucking white horse– not me. Oh fuck. What am I going to do?"

"What are we going to do," he corrects.

"I don't know." I repeat quietly.

I'm so conflicted. I can feel happiness just within my grasp, butas usual, there's something to crash to the party. Not that Anna deservesto be labeled that. But, fuck! What am I going to do? As I lay therewrapped in Cal's arms I marvel at the fact that two such incredible peoplecould be in love with me. It's unreal.

"Anna deserves the truth," I say out loud.

"Are... are you sure you want to do that?" his hands stops rubbingmy chest. I turn to look at him, "Do you think she deserves to be lied to?How are we going to do this at school when I'm with her? How are you goingto feel?"

He closes his eyes and sighs, "I know. I'll be fine. I know thatI love you and that you love me and that's enough for me."

"Are you sure?" I press.

He sighs and turns to look up at the ceiling, "No."

I lean over and recapture his hand, "I'm sorry, Cal. I can'tstring Anna along like that. It's not right. She deserves better. Mygod, does she deserve better!" His eyes start tearing up, "I know."

"Hey, hey... what's wrong?" I ask soothingly.

"It's just... it's that our love can hurt so many people – notjust Anna. What are our families going to think? My parents? Yourparents? People at school?"

"I don't know," I reply honestly and reeling from the realizationthat the rest of the world still has to pass judgment on us when they findout. "We'll try and keep a low profile and not draw too much attention toourselves, I guess. We'll have to spend time alone together, which won'tbe too hard. People already expect us to be together. We'll just have towatch it around my place and be careful here at yours."

"What do you think Anna will do?" he asks with worry in his voice.I close my eyes trying to will away that mental image of me breaking upwith Anna. There's no doubt that I'm going to break up with her, but Ijust can't bear hurting her like that. "I don't know. But I do know thatI can't just continue on like if nothing's changed." I lean up on my elbowand look down into his eyes. "Not when I love you."

"I love you too," he replies with a quick kiss.

"So when are you going to tell her?" asks Cal.

"I'm thinking Friday after school. That way it will give me timeto work up the nerve to tell her and she'll have the weekend to calm downand work through it all," I say. I can't believe I'm saying this. Anna issuch an awesome person but I can't deny loving Cal.

"Are you ok?" I ask Cal.

"Yeah, I'm fine... but it's just like I said. This is going tochange everything," he says simply.

I sit up feeling a little scared, "Are you sure you want to dothis?"

"Yes! I do. I love you," he says pulling me back into his arms."I told you are so worth all this. I'm not going to give you up, but...butcan you blame me for being scared? I don't know what's going to happen. Idon't have all the answers either."

I sigh in partly in relief and partly in resignation, "Yeah, Iknow." Then it hits me. Maybe Anna doesn't need to know the whole truth."Hey, maybe I don't have to tell her the whole story. She doesn't have toknow about us. I can still break up with her but I don't have to tell herthe real reason why."

"Then what would you tell her?" Cal asks.

"I could just tell her the most important part when it comes to her– that I don't love her anymore. She wouldn't have to know it's becauseI fell in love with you."

"Would you be ok with that?" Cal questions.

"Not really. But it's the best I can do at protecting you andsparing her anymore grief than I already know she's going to get. As forthe rest of the world, they don't need to know anything. And that includesour families."

I look to Cal and watch for his reaction. He looks down at the bedand plays with a loose thread on his comforter. "Well, it's not like wehave a choice. I know for a fact that this wouldn't fly too well with myparents."

"And it wouldn't go too well with mine either, especially my mom,"I add placing my hand over his. "But we have each other and that's whatmatters."

He looks up with a weak smile that says he'd just made a deal withdevil. His hand finds my face and pulls me closer for a kiss. "I justwant you to know that I'm not crazy about this whole secrecy thing. It'snot right that I have to hide how much I love you from everyone. So, don'tget it in your head that I'm conflicted about what I feel for you. It hasnothing to do with that, ok?"

"Ok," I answer. God, he knows me so well.

I close my eyes while resting my head on his chest. I can feel andhear his heart and I'm so glad that I have the privilege of being so closeto him. Just laying with him is a treat. Everything that I do with him isso new – brand new ground for both us. It will take me a while to getused to this.

After a while the phone rings and he reaches over to his nightstandto answer.

"Hello."

I can hear some loud talking on the other end, which sounds like mymom. Oh fuck! I need to get going.

"Yes, Mrs. Garza. He's right here. Uh... ok. I'll tellhim... you too... bye."

"Let me guess," I say.

"Yup, get your ass home, boy," he smiles a bit. "Your grandmotherawaits." He says in a mock British accent.

I roll my eyes and groan, "Damn, I'm so not up to this." I get upand start trying to erase any signs that Cal and I had been making out.I'm paranoid that it will be written all over my face that I had beenkissing a guy.

His arms wrap around me from behind and he pulls me back to him ashe kneels on the bed, "It will work out. Together we can do this."

I turn and face him. My heart swells with joy and I lean into kisshim. "I know," I pause a moment to look in his eyes for the umpteenth timethis morning. "Hey, I gotta run or else I'll be grounded till you and Iare seniors in college."

"Ok," he smiles. "Call me when you get back home."

"I will," I tear myself away from him and let myself out. On thewalk back I'm feeling conflicted. I wish I could be truly happy now thatCal and I are together, but the reality of the situation keeps weighing medown. And I just can't bear to think about Anna right now.

But, hey I'm not alone in this. I've got Cal and together we canovercome anything.

---1995—

"I think you'll like this. I got the other day from Wine Marketdown over by Somers Road. The wine guy said it starts off a bit tart butends with a sweet flourish," says Jeff waving the glasses in the air.

I take the glass from Jeff and eye the merlot suspiciously. Howcan a drink be all those things at once? "Well, I'm not much of a winedrinker myself but if you say so." I smile.

He pours himself a glass and he leads me to his living room. Hisroommate is gone for the Christmas break and Jeff himself is leavingtomorrow to go spend the holidays with his family. So, he had decided totake me to dinner before he left and now here we at his apartment for a"nightcap". Never understood what that meant either.

"Here's to Speedos and coffee: a great combination if I ever heardone," he smiles and clinks his glass to mine before we take a sip.

I must have made some kind of sour face cause he starts laughing,"That bad, huh?"

I look down embarrassed, "Well it's not what I normally drink andin truth I haven't had a glass of wine in several years at least."

He grabs my glass and winks at me, "Ok, I think I have just thething in the fridge for you. But you better keep this between me and youcause if my roommate found out I gave away one of his beers, he'd be reallypissed."

He comes back with a Miller Lite and twists the top off beforehanding it to me. "There ya go. Better?" he smiles as he settles on thecouch next to me.

I take a swig of beer from the bottle. "Yeah, this is great."It's been a great night so far. Dinner was good. We talked about classesand finals and other stuff. I'd passed all my classes including the oneI'd missed half the review. Jeff did pretty well too and he'll be startinghis student teaching program next semester. Thankfully he hadn't asked metoo many questions about the time he ran into me when I was with thepolice.

I look over at Jeff and notice he's gone a little quiet. Nowthat's strange. Something must be on his mind. "You ok?"

He snorts out a short laugh. "Ha! I'm that transparent, huh?"

"Well it's just that you're quiet all of a sudden."

He looks down blushing fiercely. "Yeah, when I'm not moving my bigmouth that's a pretty good sign something's on my mind." He pauses a bitand rubs his eyebrow with his free hand. "Listen, Carlos," said Jeffstaring into his wine glass, "I've been thinking about asking yousomething. I didn't know how to bring it up before so I'm just gonna blurtit out ok?"

Shit. Not the cop thing. "Uh, ok?"

"Would you like to come spend Christmas with me and my family?" hesaid in a rush.

What!? This I wasn't expecting. "What... I...uh... gee I don'tknow. I mean I'm flattered, but I wouldn't want to intrude..."

Jeff puts his glass down and grabs my hand. "No, you wouldn't.I'd like you to come and meet my family."

I look down at our hands and then up at him. There are times whenyou are faced with certain facts – when reality comes crashing in onyour favorite fantasy and wakes you up with a bitch slap. I'm sitting herewith a really great guy and he's holding my hand and asking me if he cantake me home to mom. But, I just don't think I can do this. I mean I likeJeff but like a burnt out refrain from a song my head chants, "He doesn'teven know you."

So how can I accept this offer and pretend to be someone for himlet alone for his whole entire family? Lord knows what he's told themabout me and I'm not sure I could live up to the picture he's painted ofme. For all I know he's already told them that I'm the one for him. Theguy he's going to settle down with and have this DINK (Double Income NoKids) and Ikea lifestyle.

But I'm not that person. And this whole thing is a sham. I justcan't. "Listen, Jeff, I'm really flattered and all but I just don't thinkI'd really fit in and all with your family. I'd feel really awkward andlike the fifth wheel."

He leans in closer and grips my hand tighter. I can smell the wineon his breath. "Of course you'd fit in. And you wouldn't be a fifthwheel. My sister is taking her boyfriend and my uncle will be there withhis latest wife – Gawd, the man is shameless – so it's not like youwould be the only new person there."

I close my eyes and lean my head against his. This is not going tobe easy especially when Jeff gets an idea in his head. "Jeff, thank youbut no. I wouldn't be comfortable."

"But why? My family's great. You'd love my mom and even my dad.Maybe you and he can watch some football together," he said earnestly.

"Lot of good that will do him. I don't know a thing aboutfootball," I said with a laugh.

Jeff looked down at our hands, "I also don't want you to be aloneduring the holidays. It's not right that you spend it here alone."

Damn. I can take many things from many people but not pity. Ipull my hand back from him, "I'll be fine." I must have said it to curtlycause Jeff begins to back- peddle some.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean it to come out like that," he whispers."It's just that from what you told me so far I know you're not going hometo spend Christmas with your family."

I look at him wondering how he figured that one out.

He must have read my mind and pulls me closer to him. "Carlos,damnit, I'm not that stupid, ok? You think that after all this time that Ihadn't noticed that you don't talk about your family? Hell, you don't talkmuch about your life at all."

"Jeff," I begin to plead hoping that he'd just drop this line ofquestioning, "there's not much to tell, ok?"

He fixes me with a hard stare, "Why don't you let me be the judgeof that. Look I'm not going to lie to you. I like you. I like you a lot.But I don't know you. Better said you don't let me know you. It's likeyou're hiding something from me every time we're together – like you'reashamed of something."

Damn, maybe he's been hearing the same song in his head that Ihave. It's too much to handle and I abruptly get up from the couch andwalk over to the fireplace where the fire Jeff had lit when we got in isnow in crackling loudly. The warmth snakes around my legs and travels uptowards my face. "I... I'm not ashamed," I lie.

"Bullshit. Look at you,' he says walking over to where I am by thefireplace. "You're not a very good liar... right now."

"What do you mean 'right now'?" I turn and face him. Shadows playacross his face as the fire flickers and dances in the fireplace. His eyesglitter the fire and are just as hard as they were a minute ago.

He rakes his fingers through his hair in frustration. "Swimming,playing pool, coffee, going to the movies, classes – all those thingscan only take you so far. You purposely avoid telling me anything aboutyou. Anything meaningful. And I just can't take that anymore. I wantedyou to come with me for Christmas not just because I felt sorry for you butbecause I wanted to spend some time getting to know you too."

Now it's not just the heat from the fire warms my cheek. I can'tblame him for being angry. What do I do? The last time someone came intomy life was Cal and that turned out...well that's another story. "Soaren't you taking a risk by asking a stranger to come into your home? Imay not be the person you think I am."

"Look," he says putting his hand on my burning cheek, "I don'tthink I'm wrong about you. Despite the wall you put up I know you are agood person. I just wish you'd trust me enough to let me in." I turn towalk away when he grabs my by the arm, "Don't walk away. Just...just giveme a chance... give yourself a chance."

I sigh heavily, "I don't know if I can. It's been a long timesince I actually let anyone in my life, ok? The one time I did it was bad,really bad..."

He whispers back, "So you keep saying, but I'm not that other guy.This is me and for better or worse I've let you get to know me for all myfaults and all my good parts. I would hope that you can see I'm not someasshole!"

I believe that. But I can see him being that way with other peoplebut not with me. It's funny like that. You can always see the good thingsand the good people happen to others but never to yourself. Well at leastthat's the way I think of things.

"So will you come with me?" Jeff continues. "I want to get to knowyou beyond the swim practices and the classes and the all the movies we'vedone." He leads me away from the fire and sits me back down on the couchwhere the cool air of the rest of the room soothes my face. "Will you letme in?"

"You really like me?" I decide to go for broke and make him explainwhy he likes me. Maybe I can find the myth of me he's created and explainit away. Then he might understand without having me to tell him that I'man escort.

"Yeah," he speaks softly.

"But why? You've just said you don't even know me?" I say gettingup and walking towards the window. I just need to keep moving. It makesme feel a little more in control.

"Damnit, Carlos," Jeff grimaces from behind. "I can't do thisanymore, ok? I don't know what happened to you when you were a kid or whoit was that fucked you up. I just know that no one not even you cancontinue you to live like this – pushing people away and never wantingto reach out to anyone."

"Well I'm fucking sorry that not all of us had the charmed lifethat you have had!" I yell back. I can't believe I yelled back, but damnit felt good. "It's not always easy for the rest of us!"

"Carlos..."starts Jeff.

"No, don't," I say reaching for my jacket in frustration andheading for the door, "I think it's just best that I leave."

"Carlos this is stupid! Don't leave," Jeff says meeting me at thedoor. "Look I'm sorry if I pissed you off. That's not what I intended todo tonight. I just want us to be closer. Unless... unless you reallydon't want this... us to happen?"

"No," I say placing my hands to the side of my head. "No, that'snot it! I... you wouldn't understand!"

"Then help me understand," Jeff implores.

It hits me like a ton of bricks. Heh. It makes sense now. I'mnot afraid that Jeff will hurt me like Cal did. I'm afraid I'll hurt himlike I hurt Anna all those years ago. "Help me understand," she said backthen just like Jeff now.

"Jeff," I say placing my hand on his cheek softly. The realizationhaving taken most of my frustration I say calmly, "Look, just go have agood holiday with your family and we'll talk about this when you get back."

Jeff eyes me a second and crosses his arms, "Fine."

"I'm sorry for yelling but I promise when you'll get back we'lltalk, ok?" I say not knowing if I'll be able to keep that promise.

"I still think this is stupid," he replies simply.

"Stupid or not it's what I'm asking for."

"Ok," he says looking up at the ceiling. I can tell he's trying tohold back the tears. "But...ah before you go. I have something for you."He runs into his room and comes back with a small gift-wrapped box andhands it to me. "Here, Merry Christmas, Carlos," he says solemnly.

Now I feel like a complete shit. "Jeff... I... um... thank you."

"You're welcome."

"I'm sorry, Jeff. I shouldn't have yelled. I'm sorry," I sayearnestly hoping he'll forgive me.

He reaches to open the door. "Sure."

I back out of the apartment into the night, "I don't think youbelieve me. I really am sorry."

"Carlos," he says softly, "I just need you to go right now. Don'tworry, though. I believe you when you say that you're sorry. I just don'tknow if I can handle someone who won't let me in his life. It's like I'mdoing all the work in this relationship slash friendship slash whatever wehave here."

"Just give me some time, ok? When you get back I promise we'lltalk and I'll tell you what you want to know," I say pulling on my jacket.

He smiles sadly, "Ok, I'll take you up on that. Hey, you need aride back to your place?"

"Nah, I'll be ok. I think the walk will do me some good. Thanksfor dinner," I reply. "Despite the last 15 minutes of tonight I just wantto let you know that I really had a good time."

Jeff smiles genuinely for the first since we started argument,"You're welcome. Be careful going home and... take care of yourself duringthe break."

Ok, he still cares. I haven't lost him yet, "I will and same toyou."

We stay quiet for a few seconds. The cold air is whipping throughbreezeway of his apartment complex chilling both us. I'm doing ok in myjacket but he's only in his sweater and begins shivering. Despite this hesteps out and kisses me gently.

"Bye," says Jeff.

I smile warmly, "Bye."

"Ian?" I ask knocking softly. After leaving Jeff's I head over toIan's to see how he's doing. I'd seen him once since I decided that Ishould have stayed with him the night we heard about Tim. He'd managed okand wasn't pissed at me that I'd left that night. He understood thatpeople deal with shit in different ways.

Ian opens the door, "Hey, Carlos. Come in. What's up?"

I step inside and find him clad in just his boxers, "You awake?It's not too late is it?"

"Nah" he says with a wave of his hand, "not at all. It's only 10and I never get to sleep till around 2am most nights."

"Cool," I say relieved that I wasn't going to piss off someone elsetonight.

"Here, let me take your jacket. Go ahead and make yourselfcomfortable," he says taking my jacket.

I remove shoes and socks and plop down on his couch while he goesto get me a beer. "So what brings you here on a Friday night?" he yellsout from the kitchen.

I decide to tell him the truth. There's nothing to hide from him."I just had the most wonderful/horrendous date with Jeff and I just didn'tfeel like going home yet."

"Ah," he says in a tone of understanding. He sits across from onthe couch. "Let me guess. He's pressing you to tell him more about youand what you do, right?"

Peeling the label off the bottle I laugh, "Heh, how'd you guess?"

"Like I told you before. You're not the only who's gone throughthis whole dating shit. It's tough trying to date a nice, respectable guywhen you're an escort," he adds while sipping on his beer.

"Yeah, you're right," I agree, "but it's more than that with him.I just don't want to hurt him."

Ian looks puzzled, "How are you going to hurt him?"

"Let's just say that he reminds me of someone from my past whotried really hard to understand why I did the things I did and why I feltthey way I did."

"Oh," he replies. "Let me ask you something. Is Jeff worth allthis grief? I mean it seems like you're putting yourself through a lot ofshit just for this one guy."

I lean back in the corner of the sofa and stretch out my legs. Ihave to think about this one. Instinctively I want to say yes that he isworth it all, but sometimes I wonder. "Yeah, I think he is."

"And you think he'll understand when you tell him about being anescort?" he probes further.

"I really don't know. I'd like to think that he would but I'm notsure. It's not like I have the best track record when it comes torelationships," I answer honestly. "He actually asked me to spendChristmas with him and his family, but I just couldn't go, you know?" Iexplain my reasoning to Ian and he nods in understanding.

"He really is a great guy from what I can tell and maybe if justlet him in I might be surprised by the way things turn out. I just need togive him a chance," I say quietly trying to convince myself of that morethan anything.

Ian reaches over and rubs my leg soothingly. "You are a good guy,Carlos. And don't feel alone in this. There was a guy I dated once and Iwas just like you – wondering if he'd be ok with me being an escort.Man was he easy on the eyes. A little cocky but manageable."

"So what happened?" I ask.

"He ended up being transferred out of town with his job, so Ididn't have to tell him anything. I lucked out I guess."

"I'll say," I respond with a grin. I look down into my beer andthink about what I really want. Why am I even trying to make this workwith Jeff? "I guess I'm lonely."

"Lonely?" asks Ian.

I hadn't realized I had said that out loud. "Yeah, lonely.Between us both we've had more sex than most guys in this town will everhave, but at the end of the day it's just us and Harold's deposit bag."

"Maybe someday that will change," he says tipping his head to reston the back of the couch, "for the both us." He closes his eyes and beginsto smile. "Sometimes I just want to go out with a guy and spend all nightjust holding each other and kissing. Nothing else. No sex, no blow jobs,no fucking just old fashioned cuddling in front of the TV."

Wow, Ian speaks Carlos talk.

Of all the guys and the three ways and four ways and other sexualdepravity I've been a part of there was never once that intimateconnection. I might as well have been a checker at a grocery storescanning grocery items for all the emotional investment I put out and gotin return when out on a job. At least after coming home from the grocerystore I wouldn't have the urge of taking a bleach bath just to get tofeeling clean again.

"Yeah," I agree. "That would be nice," I say giving him a sidewaysglance.

He turns and looks my way and in that instance we both understandwhat we need to do tonight. He gently slides down the length of the couch,lifting my legs and placing them over his bare legs. With a sigh he lowershis head to my chest and wraps me in his arms. His blond hair smells cleanlike he'd just taken a shower before I had gotten there.

Though I have had sex with Ian before this is a complete differentride than before. I'm not worrying about whether I'm going to get him offjust right to impress the trick that had hired a tag team duo. This is alot nicer.

"Mmmm," murmurs Ian, "you feel so good."

"So do you," I whisper back while stroking his golden hair.

"It's been a long time since I've been held like this," he adds."And my mind keeps freaking out thinking that I have to watch the 1 hourtime limit or something stupid like that."

"Yeah," I laugh, "it's really nice. And most important to me atleast is that you know who I am. There's no pressure to get laid."

His chuckling shakes my frame, "Yup. Been there; done that."

We stay quiet for a while just holding each other. After a coupleminutes we shift positions and he takes my shirt and jeans off leaving mein just my underwear. When we lay back down on the couch again we pressour legs and chests together and enjoy the sensuality and intimacy thatwe'd denied ourselves while making our living.

"This feels so nice," Ian says in a throaty whisper. "I don't wantto move from here. Hey, you have to be anywhere tomorrow?"

I sigh contentedly. "No, don't have be anywhere till I'm on calltomorrow tonight. Why?"

He pulls his head back a little. "You want to stay the night withme. I don't have a big bed but I figure that we both are going to want asmuch contact as possible anyways."

Gawd, this feels good but what about Jeff?

"We both deserve this," he says trying to convince me. "And we cangive it to each other." He strokes my hair and soothes my face with hishand. "So what do you say?"

I look in his eyes and for the first time since Cal I seeacceptance. I don't have to hide anything from Ian not like I hide fromJeff. I smile. "Sure."

Flashing a grin he pulls me into a hug and kisses the side of myneck. "Super. I'm so glad. Wanna make it a super cuddling night?"

"Sure."

"Ok, I'll move the TV into the bedroom and we can order in someChinese and watch some movies," he answers like a kid who has just beeninvited to his first sleep over.

I move to rest my head against his. "I've already eaten, but goahead and get what you want. I'll just have a bite of yours. That'd benice." I close my eyes and rub my leg over his and rub my feet over his.

"You better watch it," he grins. "My feet happen to be one of thesure fire ways to turn me on."

For once I decide to not worry about tomorrow and decide to go withwhat feels right. I don't know what's going to happen with Jeff when hegets back from break. I know that I do like him but right now he's nothere and Ian is. I need this. "What if I do turn you on?" I saycontinuing to rub his feet with mine. "Maybe I want more than justcuddling tonight."

"Are you sure?" he asks looking me squarely in the eye.

"Yeah, I think so. You're one of the closest friends I have rightnow and I know that's not saying much, but I can be myself with you.There's nothing to hide. And I'd like to show you how much you mean tome," I say wondering where the self-confidence is coming from.

We look into each other's eyes and then slowly lean into a kiss.His lips are nice and moist nothing at all like I expected. My fingernailsrake down his spine and he lets out a contended moan into my mouth. Precumbegins to dampen our underwear as our instincts take over and we rub ourbodies together.

His smooth, soft hands trail down the side of my torso and sneakinto my underwear where he cups and kneads my ass. Gawd, this feels sofucking good. You have no idea what it's like to be with someone like thiswho knows you and accepts you for who you are. Ok, maybe you do. And it'sme that didn't know all this time.

Ian breaks the kiss and stands up. He holds out his hand for me totake. "Hey, come here," he whispers. "Let's do this right," he saysmotioning to the bedroom.

I grab his hand and he leads me to the bedroom. It's a simpleroom. Not much to it except for a bed and a chest of drawers. The room isdark and lit only by the light of the street lamp streaming through theslats of the blinds of his sliding glass door.

"Let's get rid of these." He steps out of his boxers and slides myunderwear over my hips down to my feet. "That's better," he says pullingme into an embrace.

"Ah," I moan in pleasure as our cocks press between us and we beginto undulate against each other. He throws his head back and I take theopportunity to suck and lick his neck.

"Oh, god, yes. That feels sooo good." One of his legs curlsaround mine and he begins to hump me faster. "I want you so bad," he moansthroatily.

"Are you ready," I ask between gasps of pleasure.

He stops moving and his eyes bore into mine. "Oh fuck yeah, babe."

I smile and carefully lower us to the bed. I may not be makinglove but tonight is the first time in a long time that it feels just likethat. I may not love Ian but I'm glad he's in my life right now. Right nowI try not to think about any of that, though. There's no need tocomplicate this any further than I know it will be when I wake up in themorning.