"Furlough, party of two, your table is now available. Furlough,party of two," shouts out the hostess over the crowd noise in the bar.Jeff and I are at some Mexican restaurant he'd been trying to get me to goto for the past couple of weeks. I was supposed to go out on a call butasked Fred, Harold's partner who covers for Harold once in a while, that Ihad something else I needed to do. So, someone else took the call.

After our coffee 'date' Jeff and I made it a regular standingappointment to do our swim workouts together in the evenings. He didn'tturn out to be such a bad guy. Personality wise this guy is blunt andupfront about everything, but he's also got this wicked sense of humor.The times that we have done other stuff besides swim he's never had anyproblem telling me what's on his mind or giving me his opinion aboutanything and everything. He's funny, cute, and most importantly he'sreally made feel at ease, which is quite an accomplishment since I tend tokeep people at arm's length. You'd think that with a personality like hishe'd be prying in my personal life, but for some reason he hasn't donethat. So far Jeff has been patient, I guess. He hasn't really pushed toget to know me better. I think he could sense that I was happy keepingthings they way they are.

The feelings I'm having when I'm with him resonate with thefeelings I had with Cal - almost. They are very different people, though.At any rate I haven't let anything physical or emotional happen because ofthose very feelings. I know. This doesn't make much sense, but then againneither does my life half the time.

"Hey, that's us," he said getting up from the bar. "I swear you'regonna love the fajitas they serve here. The best fajitas outside ofTexas," he grinned.

I smiled, "Heh, ok. If you say so."

We were seated at a small table for two against the wall, orderedour drinks and appetizers and waited for our food. We made small talkcovering our usual cache of topics: swimming, classes, movies, and a hostof other safe subjects that we'd beaten to death in the past two weeks.Like I said that's fine by me. Even though Jeff makes me feel at ease, I'drather not go into my personal life with him. If I do, what am I supposedto tell him - that I'm this older than average college student puttinghimself through school by selling his ass? I don't think so. As soon ashe hears that he'd run for the hills. But I know that sooner or later he'sgoing to want to know more about me.

"I'd like to make a toast," Jeff says breaking me out of mythoughts. Raising his glass he says, "To the past two weeks and to thehopes of a long-term friendship."

I smile, "I'll drink to that." It really has been great. It'sbeen a long time since I let anyone get anywhere as close as Jeff has. Andit's been... nice.

He takes another swig of his gin and tonic and then looks down intohis glass like he's contemplating what he's fixing to say, "You know, it'sreally been fun swimming with you at the swim center these past couple ofweeks and hanging out for coffee and stuff. I've enjoyed it a lot." Helooks up from his glass and adds nervously, "Uhm I've really enjoyed beingwith you mostly."

I blush and look down at the table, "Heh, thank you." I can takecompliments from men who pay for my services but compliments from someonelike Jeff is a little weird. It's more than weird. It's unnerving.

"Now, now. Don't let it get to that big fat head of yours. You'renot the only gay swimmer I've run across at the swim center," he jokes backsmacking my arm across the table.

"Oh really?" I ask raising my eyebrows in mock surprise. "Is thata fact?"

"Yes," he says and then with a serious tone adds, "But you're theonly one that's ever made me act like a total ass with his smile."

My breath catches and for a second I wonder whether or not I heardhim right.

"Carlos," he says reaching for my hand, "I like you. I'd like toget to know you better...if you'd let me and..."

"Oh shit," I think to myself. What am I going to do? I like himtoo but what am I going to tell him?

"... hoping that you'd feel the same about me..."

I smile a fake smile at him. Not that what I feel for him is fakebut right now I'm so nervous that I can't relish this. I do my best,really, hoping that he buys it and not see right through me. Damn, thiswas going so good.

"... don't get me wrong it's been great doing stuff with you but Igot to thinking that I really don't know anything about you..."

Ok, so what do I do? Tell him how much of a good time I've gettingto know him but, yeah, by the way there are going to be times I can't goswimming or go to the movies with you because I need to go get fucked bysomeone else so I can pay my rent? The thing is that before Jeff I'venever had to worry about having to have this kind of interaction withanybody. Think about it. The people I have to work with just want to knowthe basics. Your 'stats', do you bottom, how big is your cock? Maybesometimes people would ask me if I would role play for them and then Iwould take on this new personality to have sex but other than that no onereally cared or bothered to get to know the real me, because, you see, it'sall about them. I've always placed someone else's needs before mine, andnow that someone wants to know something about me I don't know what to say.The truth? How well do you think that's going to go?

Back when I was younger I used to have friends that cared - peoplethat mattered. There was a time when I had completely opened myself upto.... Shit. That was a long time ago - another life...

"...do you do?" Jeff finishes.

He'd been going on pouring his heart out while I was lost in my ownpanicky thoughts. "What? I'm sorry."

"Heh, ok. I know I'm not that boring," he laughs nervously whilestill tentatively touching my hand.

"No!" I reply quickly. "No, not at all. It's... It's just that Ihaven't eaten all day and what with the drinks and all I guess I am wellpast buzzed and on to loopy," I laugh for emphasis.

"Ok," he says drawing his hand back still smiling. "What I said,you buzzed loon, was that I would like to get to know you better. Find outmore about you. Like, for instance, what do you do besides swim andschool? Do you work? Do you like plastic or paper?"

"Heh," I had to laugh at that, but aw shit. Quick. Think ofsomething. "Uhm, well, I work ....uhm in customer s..service," I stammer.

Jeff just raises his eyebrows asking for more details.

"And it's just this online slash catalog ordering place downtown.It helps pay the bills, you know. Other than that I just pretty much go toclass and swim. Pretty simple I guess," I say taking a swig of my drink."What about you," I ask hoping to get him to talk about himself and forgetabout me.

"Well if you're asking what else I do besides making a fool ofmyself in front of gorgeous swimmers and studying to become an underpaidhigh school teacher, then I'd have to say that I like hanging out withfriends and roommates, catching a movie, and heading out to the parks tobike or run."

"Ok, that's cool," I say not really knowing how to respond to that.Jeff then starts to laugh a little loudly and I begin to wonder if this isall a joke to him. Maybe he's like that other guy Stan from the bar theother night. Maybe he already knows I'm a whore who can be had for theright price and this whole thing is just one big lie.

"Carlos, Carlos," he says reaching over the table sensing that I'mgetting somewhat confused. "I'm not making fun of you. I just think thisis all so comical on some level, you know?"

"Uhm, no I really don't follow."

"It's like dating in reverse. I mean here we are at my favoriteMexican restaurant having some drinks and getting ready to eat some of thebest fajitas after spending the past couple of weeks enjoying each other'scompany and taking each other at face value with no expectations orassumptions - like we've been friends forever. But we're not. I like justbeing able to hang out with you and talk about stuff in general and swimand study and not worry that you're going to think that I'm weird because Icollect Colonial American spoons. I can just be myself with you."

I have to laugh at the spoon comment but I'm still a littleconfused. "But I still don't get what's funny about that."

"Ah, because now I'm sounding like this personal ad where I have tolist everything about me to get you to be interested in me. I guess I'mjust a little afraid that you might not like who I am or that you might notwant to get to know me that way."

He's afraid of what I might think of him? There's something Ihadn't thought of before. I guess when you're used to dealing with peoplewho treat you as a sure thing, you're not used to thinking that peoplemight be wondering what I think of them.

"Well... are you?"

I really think about what I'm about to say cause I don't want himto get the wrong idea. I do want him but I just can't see myself tellinghim the truth, which I know will have to come out sometime. "Jeff I likeyou. This has been really great the past two weeks with you, but..."

Jeff throws his head back and groans, "Oh man, I knew it. I toldmyself not to push it and yet I did and look what happens. I'm scaring youoff. Why didn't I just...."

"Jeff...," this time it's me reaching for his hand.

"....keep my big mouth shut," he says grimacing away from me.

"Stop it," I say raising my voice a little.

Jeff abruptly stops in mid sentence and stares back at me insurprise.

"Sorry, but it looked like you were just gonna go on forever."

"Uhm, I'm sorry. I tend to do that from time to time," he sayssheepishly.

"Look," I say still holding his hand, "Jeff, I really like you too.But I'm just not that experienced and comfortable when it comesto... dating." Man, this is rough. Let me tell him the truth - well thetruth that I think he can handle. "I've dated once or twice and one timeit was really serious but every time I've burned. And that one time thatit was serious I really thought that was it. That I'd found the guy I'd belooking for, but things didn't work out and, now, I find it hard to open upto people." I take a breath and look him in the eyes because I want him tobelieve what I'm about to tell him. "Can you understand that? It's reallynot you. I'm just fucked up that way. So I just need you to be patient."

Hanging his head a bit he whispers, "Yeah, I understand."

"No, I don't think you do. Look at me."

He turns his eyes back up at me.

"I really liked the past two weeks, ok?" I tell him. "You'vestarted to make me feel things that I thought I was never going to feelagain."

"What things?"

It's my turn to look down and I struggle to explain, "Things, youknow. Like I can have fun again and... and feel comfortable aroundpeople...well you really. See, I'm not much of a people person. I haven'tbeen for a while."

"What happened to you?" he says leaning in closer.

Ok, I really don't want to go there just yet. "Jeff, I... I'drather not talk about it, ok? I just want you to know that it's not you.I like you. I've had and am having a great time, but I'm not ready to gointo a full fledged dating mode and it's going to take me a while to feel Ican trust someone." At this point I'm whispering and I'm hoping heunderstands and does push it anymore.

He looks at me without saying anything for a few seconds. I guesshe's trying to assess my sincerity. He then reaches out and places hishand over mine. "Ok. I understand. Just promise me that whenever youfeel like you need to talk about anything that you'll think about coming tome."

I smile and honestly answer, "Ok I promise."

The fajitas arrive and we chow down. All the anxiety had made meso hungry. It really was a very nerve wracking experience for me. I haddecided to open up a little to Jeff and like I said it has been a long timesince I let anyone in this close to me. On the hand I feel great that I'mletting Jeff and I get closer but on the other hand I'm terrified. What ifhe bolts when he finds the truth? What if I've fallen for him when hedecides that I'm not someone he wants to be with. I don't think I couldtake that again.

Aside from this see saw battle in my head, though, I still feelmoreover happy than upset. We finish eating our meal and share a desertand have one final drink before leaving.

"I'll meet you out front. Let me run to the restroom," says Jeffrunning off to the back of the restaurant. "Too many gin and tonics," hegrins.

"Alright," I say and go outside to wait in the front of therestaurant.

It's been a couple of minutes when I notice James, the 63 year-oldman I had serviced three weeks ago, coming out of the restaurant with Ian,another one of Harold's escorts. Ian's a really nice looking guy of 24who's been working for Harold for at least 2 years that I know of. Helooks like your everyday run of the mill GQ model: the perfect blonde hair,the perfect smooth complexion on his face, the perfect body - not toooverly built and not too lean, the perfect clothes. He's got really niceeyes the johns go for. They are a nice warm blue that seem caring andgentle. (We'll see how long he keeps that warmth in this business.)Everything seems to be perfect in every possible aspect that you can thinkof - except one. He was born with one testicle. How do I know? Welllet's just say that he and I've had to do a tag team on several occasionswhen one of Harold's clients wants to be double-teamed. And when theclient is sitting there choreographing your every sexual move by screaming,"Lick his balls", you notice that he's come just one short of a full set inthe nut department. He's really a very nice guy but no one seems to everforget that he's the Uno guy.

He and James are coming down the walk and are almost on top of me.I try and find a place to hide but it's too late. He's already seen me.

James lights up, "Carlos, there you are. Where've have you been.We've been missing each other lately. Every time I call Harold tells meyou have the night off. So he finally convinced me to take Ian out for aspin."

Shit! As much as I like James he sometimes forgets what tact is allabout. Somehow I've got to communicate to Ian to take James out of herequick. "Uhm, hey, James!" I grin broadly trying to remain cordial and hidemy nervousness. I look to Ian and give him a look that this is not a goodidea to for us to be out here talking. "Ian," I say his name acknowledginghis presence.

"Carlos," he replies with a tone of professional courtesy.

"Oh I see you know each other. That's great!" James says obviouslydelighted. He then gets this look and somehow I just know what he's gonnaask, "Say, would you like to come over? Ian and I just finished eating areheaded back to my house and I'd love to see you two go at it. With allthis food I don't think I could take a round with either one of you somaybe I could just get off by watching."

"Uhm, gee, James I'm sorry, but I don't..."

"Oh don't be jealous, Carlos. You know I love being with you butlike I said I haven't been able to get a hold of you. But that doesn'tmatter now. You're here and now we can all have fun together. I'm sureIan would love to get his dick into this," he says while squeezing my assfor emphasis.

Heh, the funny thing is that Ian's cock has been in my ass already.But who cares about that right now. I just want to get them away from herebefore....

"Hey, what'd I miss?"

I turn around and see that Jeff has made it back from the bathroom.

"Oh!" exclaims James. "I'm sorry I didn't realize you were alreadytaken for the night." He eyes Jeff appreciatively, "It doesn't look likehe would need to ever call Harold. He should be able to find anyone hewants without having to pay. That doesn't make sense? What's wrong withhim?"

"Who's Harold!?" asks Jeff.

I just close my eyes and grimace, but I try and not let it showthat this is getting to me. Here I was doing my best to hide this part ofmy life from Jeff when in just a few seconds it just might all come out.I've got to remain in control.

Just then Ian speaks up. "I'm sorry guys for crashing in on your'date', but my uncle gets this way when he changes his meds." He turns toJames and whispers something in his ear.

It looks like a light goes off in his head and then he turns aroundto me and Jeff, "I'm sorry boys but my nephew and I need to get home reallyquick!"

Ian just winks and gently nudges James to the parking lot.

Jeff gets this funny look on his face and takes it in stride,"Yeah, well I want whatever meds you're having. Save me some for later."

I just smile and wordlessly thank Ian for whatever it is that hetold James. "See ya guys."

"You two get into a whole mess of trouble now and I really mean getmessy," laughs out James.

Jeff chuckles and shakes his head, "Man, that guy is a fuckingriot. Oh and don't believe for a second that that guy he was with was hisnephew."

My face loses it's color and my stomach sinks to my knees,"What..."

"Oh come on now. That guy was a total hustler escort type. Checkout his clothes. He looks like he fell off the International Male salerack."

So much for Jeff and I sharing clothes if this works out. I reallyhadn't noticed what Ian had been wearing but looking out at them gettinginto their car I see that Ian had some pretty tight jeans that showed offhis ass really well and an International Male type shirt that was almostsheer. I think he looked good, though. He had the body to pull it off.Oh, it's not like I find the guy romantically interesting. This is justprofessional appreciation of the total package.

"You really think he'd dress like that to go have dinner with hisuncle? I sure as hell wouldn't. Besides, they don't even remotely lookalike. He's blonde, blue-eyed, and tall while his 'uncle' looks like hewas at home with the rest of the guidos in the Bronx circa 1955. But,still, I can't blame for his taste in butts."

I just stay quiet and don't say anything for a bit.

"So, what next?," he says as we start walking to his car. "Are youup for some ice cream? I know this really cool ice cream shop up northabout 10 minutes from here."

"I dunno, Jeff. Fajitas, drinks, chips and salsa, and then icecream sounds a bit too daring for me and my stomach," I say. In truth I'mjust a little more worried now about what he will eventually think of meonce he finds out that Ian and I are co-workers.

"Well then howsabout you just sit there and look handsome while Ichow down on some Rocky Road?" he says as we pull out of the parking lot.He starts playing some Ace of Bass on the tape player.

Shit. On the one hand I really do like him, but something in theback of my mind is telling my to take this slow. I know we're just goingfor ice cream, but don't you ever get the feeling sometimes that a dateshould end? That if you keep going then you're gonna find out stuff waytoo soon? Maybe it's just my paranoia kicking in. "Uhm, Jeff, if youdon't mind, could you just drop me off? I'd like a rain check on the icecream."

He looks over at my with his brow creased with concern, "Hey, I'mtotally not married to the idea of ice cream. We can go somewhere else ifyou want."

"Nah, I've had way too much to drink and with all that food I'mgetting kinda sleepy," I halfway lie to him. I am sleepy and worn out fromthe mental anxiety that was this meal, but I know I can easily drink Jeffunder the table if I had to.

"Alright," he says pulling in some place to turn around. He staysquiet for a second and then turns to look at me. "Are you sure you're ok?I don't want you walking off thinking that I'm some sort of freak. Ididn't come on too strong for you?"

I genuinely smile, "No, Jeff, you're fine. I don't think you're afreak."

"Even though I collect spoons? Cause I do just so you know. Ihave this really cool spoon that was used by George Bush when he puked inJapan at that economic conference. Some Japanese caterer saved it and soldit as a collector's item."

I laugh, "No. It's a bit odd but I don't think you're a freak. Ijust want to go home."

"Ok."

He drives toward the campus area and pulls up to my apartmentcomplex. It's a small complex with only 8 units. It's not much but it'shome.

"Thanks again for dinner. I had a really good time," I say facinghim in the car. It's a little awkward now. I'm not sure if I'm supposedto shake his hand, hug him, or kiss him or hell even all three. All my'other' dates usually end by me taking the wad of money and leaving for thenearest night deposit drop.

"No prob. It was my pleasure. I hope we can do this some more,"he says. "Do you still wanna swim tomorrow? I figure since its Saturdaythat we'll have the swim center all to ourselves."

"Sure that would be great."

We stay quiet for a second with the car idleing. I guess we bothdon't know what to say. Then Jeff leans over grabbing my arms, "Oh fuckit." He pulls me towards him firmly and plants a nice but chaste kiss onmy lips. It freaks me out for a second but then I laugh.

"There, that wasn't so scary was it?'

"No I guess not. Very quick hit and run but not scary."

"Oh, sorry. How's this." He puts his hand on my face and draws mecloser. His hand feels nice and soft and gentle on my skin. I can stillsmell the soap from the restaurant bathroom on his hands. His lips brushmine very softly and they moisten mine every so slightly. It's the firsttime in a long time that I actually feel a kiss and not 'perform' a kiss onsomeone. Damn, this could be so nice, but...

"Hey," I say breaking away. "Thanks again for dinner and foreverything but I really should get to bed."

I can tell that he's a little bit disappointed but he hides it."Ok. I'll see you tomorrow, cutie."

I smile back. "Goodnight"

-1987-

"Pass the salt, would ya?"

"Here you go." I pass Cal the salt. The spaghetti's ok but Iagree with him. It does need a little bit of salt. He and I are at arestaurant out of town with the rest of the debate team. We've justconcluded a tournament here where as a team we didn't do too badly. Mypartner and I did well. We made it as far as the quarterfinals where wewere beat by another team that was just way better than us. Cal and hispartner on the other hand only won 2 of their 4 preliminary rounds. Sothey spent most of the day just hanging out waiting for us to finish.

"Are you going to eat your bread?" asks Ramon.

"No here go ahead you have it," I answer absentmindedly. Ramon wasmy debate partner. It's amazing how far we advance in a tournament when hespends most of the rounds eating a cupcake instead preparing for his nextspeech. What ends up happening is that I write his speech while preparingmy own and listening to the other team deliver theirs. Man, I'm gonna growup as the world's best multi-tasker.

"So, you and Chris beat the Central team, huh?" mumbles Ramon withbread in his mouth.

"Yeah, I guess we got their C team or something. The kids musthave been a freshman cause that tie he was wearing was hanging well belowhis crotch," replies Chris.

Cal doesn't say anything - as usual. Well as usual since this isthe way he's been since last week when he was at my place. Ever since thatalmost kiss he's become more withdrawn. I guess when you break up withyour girlfriend, begin to reevaluate your life and friends, and then almostkiss your male best friend in a span of two weeks you'd want to just take abreak from life and not say anything. But, this silence is scaring me. Wehaven't talked about what happened at all and I'm afraid I'm going to losehim altogether. I know I still love him. I just need to give him time, Iguess. Hell I don't know. It's not like I can run up to my dad and askhim for advice on this one.

"So tell me about the East Side A team," Chris asks me. "Is BillieHouston as smart as she is hot?"

"Heh, well I guess; even though, we did kick her ass. Although Isuspect that she's won more rounds by wearing low cut dresses and leaningover the podium whenever she has a guy judge," I answer.

"Hooo man! To be her partner - what I wouldn't do," hoops Chris.

"Ha," cries out Ramon. "I really don't think you want to be herpartner. The guy she's with is a total fag."

"Really?" chimes in Chris.

"Yeah, he's got like this two tone hair and his carrying case hasall these George Michael stickers," replies Ramon.

"You can tell he's a totally fruit cake like that?"

"Oh, it's not only that. You should see...."

Ramon and Chris carry on. I look across the table to Cal and he'snot even looked up. He looks totally absorbed in his food. I really don'tknow what to make of Ramon and Chris' conversation. They're not really mygood friends but it does bother me a little about what they are sayingabout that gay debater. Ok, I know the guy is gay. He's obviously gay.But I guess like him I will soon have to deal with all these gay slurs.

Shit!

Gay.

It's one thing to be hated by your class in high school. Thatstigma will go away once I go away to college. But this gay...thing willgo with me the rest of my life! Maybe it won't be so bad for me. I'm sureas hell not like that other debater who advertises with his stickers andmannerisms. I don't think I'm that obvious. But what's it gonna be likefor me when I'm older. Is it that I really only love Cal or am I gonnameet other guys? And then the whole gay sex thing - sounds gross to me.Don't get me wrong. When I see Cal without his shirt or when we'reswimming my body starts churning those hormones. It makes me want to dothings to those legs, that chest, that mouth. But, I've never thoughtabout that down there. That's way too eeew for me.

"You guys ready?" asks Ramon.

Chris and Ramon have finished eating and are heading back to thehotel across the parking lot.

"I'll be there in a minute. I'm still eating," I reply.

Cal answers, "Yeah, be there in a bit."

"Ok, see ya." They leave.

We're alone for the first time since the time in my room. Atschool we've always been around someone else like Anna or Chris. He staysquiet and doesn't look my way. It's like I'm not even there. Damn it, Ican't stand this anymore! "Damn it, Cal! What the fuck is going on," Isay slamming my hand on the table.

He stops in mid chew and looks at me stunned. "What... what areyou talking about," he stammers.

I sigh in desperation. "Cal, please let's not do this like this.You know what I'm talking about."

His eyes begin to tear and he looks away from me. It looks likehe's about to bolt. "No, I don't."

"Oh really? And that's why you're going to start crying?"

His face begins to flush red and he puts his napkin to his mouth."Please, Carlos, don't. Not now."

"Well if not now, when? You've been like this for a week. Youdon't talk to me. You don't even want to look at me. Considering what wejust went through with the whole Yvette shit you'd think we can talk toeach other," I whisper animatedly.

He looks back at me and it's then that I notice how close he's beento losing it all week. Whatever he's feeling is starting to bubble up tothe surface. He's fighting to maintain composure but he's not winning thatbattle. "Please, Carlos, I'm so sorry about what happened."

Huh? What's he talking about? He's sorry?

"Can we go somewhere else where we can talk," he says lookingaround the restaurant nervously.

"Ok," I respond realizing that this is probably not the place totalk. "Let's go to the school bus. I don't think anyone is in it rightnow."

We pay the bill in silence and head out to the bus. Everyone elseis in the hotel getting their stuff packed up so we can head back home. Wehead to the back of the bus and we sit across from each other on the seats.

I'm a lot calmer now that I've gotten him to start some talking."Cal? What's going on?"

"I'm sorry. I'm just fucking everything up," he replies notlooking at me.

"What are you talking about? How are you fucking everything up?"

"I just am," he begins to weep. "Everything is all fucked up."

I crawl across to his seat and try and pick him up from the floorof the bus where he's let his body slump.

"No, Carlos, don't. Just ... just don't," he says fighting off myhands.

"Ok, man, you're beginning to freak me out here. I don't know whatyou're talking about. Why are you crying?"

He starts sobbing harder now and chokes on his words, "I'm ...I'mso sssorry."

I throw my head back on the seat in frustration and sigh again. Iresign myself to take the lead on this. "Cal, if this is about whathappened last week in my room, you didn't fuck anything up."

He turns and looks at me with tears still in his eyes, "You don'thate me?"

I squat down next to him on the floor. It's a little cramped."No, I don't. Listen I thought you hated me for what almost happened.There I was telling you I love you and everything and then I almost kissyou. I would have if it weren't for my brother. I thought I was the onewho fucked up. You're the one who stopped talking to me and I just thoughtyou were pissed."

He chuckles in frustration. "Oh man. I thought it was all me.That's why I couldn't face you or say anything," he says rubbing the bridgeof his nose. "I'm just going through so much lately, you know?Everything's been turned upside down since I broke up with Yvette.Actually even before that things started to get really weird. But noweverything is happening as super speed and I can't catch my breath."

Oh my god. He really wanted to kiss me. I hadn't imaginedeverything. There was something there after all. It's beginning to hit mebut I'm still not sure how this is going to play out.

Cal continues. "Yvette fucked me up and finding out what jerks allmy other 'friends' were was also a bitch. But finding out what I was likeand really felt has really thrown me for loop. I took a long hard look atmyself and found someone who didn't even know. He scares me."

"Who did you find, Cal?" I ask.

"Someone else. This other person that's me but I had no idea thathe even existed. The people he thought he cared about were nothing butassholes and jerks. That what I was feeling for Yvette wasn't real. Itwas something fake and made-up - something that I was supposed to do sothat I could fit in like everyone."

"Didn't you love her?" I probe further.

"In a way maybe I did. I know I cared about her and her family.It really did hurt me to find out about her dad getting sick. He really isa nice man. He doesn't deserve that, you know? But now that I look atwhat Yvette and I had I realize that I didn't really love her like agirlfriend and she really didn't make me feel all that loved either. LikeI told you before I was just playing out a role. It could have been anyonefor her. Now that I look back I never got the feeling in the pit of yourstomach when you know you really love someone with all your heart."

Ok wait a minute. I know for a fact that Cal in his 17 years hasonly gone out with one person and that's been Yvette. So how does he knowwhat that funny feeling in your stomach feels like?

"After we broke up," he continues, "I opened my eyes for the firsttime and I saw, I really saw and felt." He looks up from the floor of thebus and looks at me. I really can't see much of his face since it's darkin the bus yet I can sense him looking at me now. "And when I did thereyou were like always. Right next to me."

I'm getting goose bumps and I slump even further on the floor ofthe bus with him.

"And then you start telling me how much you love me; even though itwas like in a friendship way, and I start to really see even more. It waslike "Oh my God" you were right here all this time."

"What are you saying, Cal?" I need to hear him say it. I don'twant to get the wrong idea. I need to hear it from him.

"I'm saying that the person I really love, the person I've onlyreally ever loved, is you." He looks back down to the floor.

Everything freezes. I can hear the noise of the restaurant outsidein the dark. I can hear the cars of the highway in the distance and evenmake out the occasional creak of the bus as it settles in the cooler nightair. I know. I know I'm going to remember this moment forever. It's likethe universe is recording this moment in my head with sounds and the feelof the of the gravely, dirty floor beneath me and the coarse fake leathercover of the seat beneath my hands. In the future there will be nightslike tonight or I'll be on some other dirty dingy floor and I'll remember.I'm never going to forget.

I must have been silent for a few seconds but it felt like an hour.Cal takes this as a bad sign and starts to apologize and cry again."Carlos, I'm...I'm s.."

I put my fingers to his lips to silence him. They feel warm andwet against my skin. He doesn't say anything while I move my fingersacross his face gently and mix them in with his tears.

"Shhhh..." I whisper. "Don't be sorry."

He turns his face into my hand and sighs. I can see his bodyrelease all the tension he'd been holding in. I pull him up to the seatwhere we have more room and slowly bring his body to mine.

Finally he can look me in the eye. "Carlos?"

"Yeah?" I whisper back.

"Do you love me?" his face is inches from mine. His eyes glistenand shine with the tears and the lights from the restaurant. It's totallydark except for that.

"Yes," I answer.

We both move closer. My eyes close and I feel my way toward hismouth. He brushes his lips gently over mine. It's tentative and skittishat first but the kiss grows more confident. It connects us - our spiritsmingling and bursting back and forth between us. And within each otherthey find themselves at home. God, I don't know how else to describe this.This is nothing like kissing Anna. I so don't want this to end.

My hand finds it's way to his face and caresses his cheek. Webreak the kiss and I nuzzle my way down his neck. He gasps in pleasurethrowing his head back giving me more access. He pulls my face up againand he looks me in the eyes. He leans in cradling my face in his hands andwe kiss again - this time with less restraint and more conviction.

"Hey, Chris, you seen Cal or Carlos yet?" Off in the distance Ihear Ramon yell out.

"No. Maybe their still in the restaurant having dessert," I hearChris a little bit closer.

Cal and I quickly pull apart and I jump to the opposite seat.We're both flushed and disheveled. I swear anyone catching the sight of usnow will know what we've been doing. We both frantically startstraightening out our shirts and try somewhat re-comb our hair hoping thatChris is headed to the restaurant first before looking on the bus.

"Fuck," Cal says whispers nervously.

"Shhh. Don't say anything. Maybe he won't come here."

Then we hear Ramon yell out, "Hey bring me back some hostesscupcakes, ok?"

"Ok," we hear Chris answer but this time further away than he wasbefore. I realize he must be heading to the store across the street forsome snacks before we leave.

We both let out a collective sigh of relief.

"Damn, I that was close," groans Cal.

I bury my face in my hands and exhale a real long breath. Oh mygod, I can't just believe what happened. I kissed him. He kissed me back.Oh my fucking god this isn't happening. Isn't it? It's all sinking innow.

"Carlos?" I hear home come closer and feel the seat sink with hisweight. He starts rubbing my back. "Carlos? Are you ok?"

God that feels so good. I sit back up and lean into him a littlebit. He puts his other hand on my knee and rubs my leg through the fabricof my jeans.

"Hey," he whispers into my ear. "Are you ok?"

I look into his eyes and see worry and concern and anxiety allmixed together. He's so close and he's touching me and it's so unreal. Ipull him closer to me and kiss him again but this time more deliberate andgentle. It's a kiss to let him know and also to reassure me that this isok. "I'm fine," I murmur into his mouth.

We're both calmer now and continue to hold each other in the dark."I can't believe this is happening," I say.

"Are you sure you're ok with this," Cal asks.

"Oh yeah, I'm sure. You have no idea how long I've been wantingthis."

"Really?" he speaks softly into my cheek. His head is restingagainst my shoulder now. "I had no idea you felt like this."

"And I never ever would have believed you felt the same way aboutme." I pause for second and think how all this came to pass. "Hey, let meask you something."

"Shoot."

"Not that I want this moment to end or anything. Gawd, I wish wecould stay like this forever, but why do you love me?" I know. Here I amin the arms of the boy I love and I'll can do is question why it is heloves me. Lifting his head up from my shoulder he looks me in the eyes."You have to ask?"

"Well I'm curious. I'm just me. Why would you love me?"

"I can ask the same of you, you know."

"Go right ahead," I respond huskily and enthusiastically. "I'll behappy to tell you."

"They're many reasons why I love you, Carlos. And I'm finding outnew ones everyday. I wish you could see yourself through someone else'seyes."

"Heh, I guess I'm not used to seeing myself like that."

"Listen, I know there's a lot to talk about - stuff we need to getout in the open. But what do you say for right now we just go with thisfor right now. Let's not worry about the rest of the world until we gotoff this bus. Then we'll deal with all that. Ok?"

"Ok," I respond.

He rolls his head on the seat close to me again and kisses myforehead. "Good. I figure we have about 5 more minutes before we hearChris coming back with Ramon's mid-evening snack. What do you think 3 or 4packs of cupcakes?"

I laugh, "You're such an ass! I'm guessing 3 since he only had oneduring the quarterfinal round."

He smirks and kisses me again. We steal another 15 minutes or soon the bus holding and loving each other. We take care not to muss eachother up any more so we don't have to explain to the others they way welook. Chris came crunching along the pavement back to the hotel and wemanaged to duck down enough in the seat for him not to see us. After weheard the door to his room slam we decided it was time for us to face therest of the world and get off the bus.

"Are you ready?" I ask.

"Yeah, as ready as I'll ever be."

"Ok."

Getting off the bus we head to our rooms. We decided to tell therest of the gang that we had gone off for a walk to talk about the wholeYvette mess, which is partly true. Besides that would be more believablesince the whole school has been talking about the breakup since ithappened. So we didn't arouse any suspicion.

An hour later we're headed home after getting everything loaded onthe bus. Cal and I sit near the middle of the bus across from each other.We figure this to be the prudent thing to do. The bus is one of the largerbuses and it's not even half full and it would look odd for two guyssitting together in one seat. The back of the bus is full of our luggage,carrying cases, and the other debaters. Ever notice how the back of anyschool bus is where all the action happens.

Throughout the ride home I catch Cal looking at me and a couple oftimes I see him mouth the words "I love you" with the aid of the passingstreet lights illuminating the highway. I smile back and relay the same tohim. Gawd, I can't get over this wonderful feeling. This amazing feelingof being connected with someone - it's like coming home.

However, the closer we get home I can't shake the feeling that therest of the world is going to come crashing in. There are ramifications toall this, namely Anna. I really love here but not like I love Cal. Ihonestly don't know what I'm going to do. The thought of hurting her andputting her through something like this is not right - not after everythingshe's done for me. Except I can't help the way I feel. Aside from Annawhat about my family and Cal's family? What are we going to do if theyfind out? Man, this can get really, really nasty. Cal and I really dohave a lot to talk about.

Eventually we make it home when it's almost midnight. My brotheris there to pick me up. Ever since he's gotten his learner's permit anddad has shown him how to drive, he's been taking every opportunity to takethe car out. Hell, he's even here to pick me up. Cal had left his caryesterday here at school and starts packing his stuff in it.

I wave to my brother and tell him to give me a minute. "Cal?" Isay coming up behind him as he finished packing his trunk. "What are youdoing tomorrow morning? Are you up to doing anything?"

"For you I'll be free," he smiles. "My parents are going to wantme to go to church but I'll beg off by saying I'm worn out from the trip.Do you want to come over around 9 or so in the morning?"

I look at him and remind myself that this is all worth it. Thateverything we're going to face we're going to face together. "Yeah, that'scool." I want to kiss him but I know I cant' with everyone including mybrother so close.

Sensing my frustration he says, "I know. You can make it up to metomorrow morning."

"Ok," I say backing up and heading to the car. I can't stopgrinning. I know my brother is gonna think I'm completely whacked in thehead. "I'll see you tomorrow."

Smiling with his arms crossed his chest and leaning against thetrunk he tells me goodbye. Still walking backyards I can see him and hemouths the words "I love you" again.

--1995-

"Clean-up on aisle six, please. Clean-up on six," whines out avoice on the speaker temporarily cutting out the shopping music.

It's Tuesday, 4 days after my date with Jeff and I'm at the grocerystore picking up a few things: toothpaste, some ground beef, bread, milkand Anusol. Hey, perils of the job. I'm going to need it especially afterthe guy I did last night. He fucked me for over 2 hours. I normally don'tgo for the guys that want to go over the one hour limit but this guy paidfor two hours and tipped really well, which is good since I've cut backsome to go out with Jeff. I need the money to pay a few bills.

After our date on Friday night Jeff and I spent Saturday morningdoing a grueling workout at the pool - 3200-yards. Afterwards we had lunchand took in a movie. Again I had a good time. He kept being his usualself: cracking jokes, being flirty with the cute teenage boy at the movieconcession stand, and holding my hand in the movie theater. Now that was...how can I put it... awesome! That simple act of just holding my handwent a long with me to convince me that he really did want to be with me.There wasn't a door he didn't open for me nor did he let me spend a dime.He showered me with attention. Oh my god, and speaking of showers, youshould have seen what he did after we finished swimming. There we were inthe showers alone. No, he didn't try anything too forward, but he didsqueeze my ass. He leaned in dripping wet and said he had to sample somewhat that old geezer at the restaurant had. His touch felt so differentfrom all the other times I have been touched that way by so many other men.

The rest of the time when we weren't swimming or quiet in the moviewe talked about his life: where he's from, his family, etc... I reallyliked the fact that he didn't push to know anything about me. So I got tohear all about him. He's the oldest of 4 siblings, a brother and twosisters. His parents are both doctors in San Antonio (his hometown) andeach are a part of a practice in their respective fields - hence his neednot to work. Throughout high school he was a swim jock and his familyattended every one of his meets. He even brought a picture where he posedwith his family after having won the 200-meter breaststroke event. Man,that picture looked awesome. He's so lucky to have a family like that. Imiss it.

In such a large family like his he had to learn growing up to bevery direct and outspoken. Being the oldest his parents focused more onhis younger brother and sisters and every now and then he had to say,"Hello, I'm over here!" Well that's the way he put it. With such aformative experience as that he's not afraid to speak his mind nor does heapologize for his life or who he is. For instance being gay is such anon-issue for him. He came out to his parents in high school when after abrief time with a girlfriend he fell in love with another one of the otherguys on the swim team. They had been dating for a couple of months when hedecided that he couldn't live a double life hiding his true self from hisparents. After telling them he said his parents were edgy about it all butsoon they came around and accepted him.

School wasn't as easy though. When the rest of the team and theschool found out about them he and his boyfriend got harassed by a severaltypical high school bullies. In the end it all worked out. One day atschool after helping the team win their district title he got picked onagain. He'd had enough so he grabbed one of the guys in front of him andslammed him into the ground really hard. It stunned everyone who waswatching. And right there in front of the whole school he told everyonewho'd been hassling him to back off. And that he was much more of a manthan all these bullies in front of him. At the end of his speech themajority team members moved to stand behind him. They said that if anyonehad a problem with him that they would have a problem with them as well.After that he and his boyfriend were left alone.

Wow! His high school years couldn't have been more different thanmine.

Sigh.

Now he's here in college getting ready to graduate and teach highschool English and hopefully coach some high school swim team. I know he'dmake an awesome coach. Already in 3 weeks he's helped me improve some ofmy times by an average of 5 seconds.

"Carlos?" I hear someone coming up from behind me in the cerealaisle. I turn around and see Ian. He's dressed much like me warm-ups,sweatshirt, and tennis shoes. It's starting to get even cooler as we headtowards the Thanksgiving holiday.

"Hey, Ian. What's up?"

"Not much. Just picking up a few things I need."

"Cool. Hey thanks again for the other night at the restaurant.You really saved me from an embarrassing situation."

He grins, "Hey, no problem. James is a character. Though I haveto admit he is a sweetheart. Most of the night he spent showing mepictures and telling me stories of his ex-lover who died. They seemed veryhappy the way he tells it."

"Yeah, he'll do that the first time you go with him, then afterthat he'll get more sexual on you," I tell him. "Don't freak out of hestarts calling out his lover's name in the middle of it, though. The firsttime he did that it threw more for a second but then I just went with it.It makes him happy."

"Thanks for the tip." He moves his cart out of another shopper'sway. "Speaking of his lover he mentioned that he thinks one of thecleaning ladies took one of the pictures he had in a frame in his bathroom.He insists that this one gal, Lydia, took it because she's mentioned howgood looking his lover was in that picture."

"Uh, really?" Shit. Now I feel bad. That's the picture that endedup flushed down my toilet. Realizing that we're causing a traffic jam inthe cereal aisle we move towards the produce department where there is moreroom to talk. "Did he seem really upset?"

"Not really." He picks up a cantaloupe and thumps it. "He saysthe really important pictures are the ones he keeps on his nightstand byhis bed. He's just annoyed thinking that there's someone trying to stealfrom him.

"Hey," he continues, "so who's that guy you were with the othernight? He's really cute. Is he the reason I've picked up some of yourregular johns lately?"

I feel myself immediately blush, "Yeah, we're kinda sorta dating."

"That's great," he grins back. "Great for you and for me. You geta nice boyfriend and I make extra money."

I laugh. "Yeah, that's one way of looking at it."

He gets this serious look on his face and whispers so no one canhear us in the produce area, "Does he know about what you do?"

"Uh, no."

"Damn, that's harsh. What are you going to do? Are you going totell him?" He asks with genuine concern.

Damn, like this isn't something I've tossed around in my head forthe past couple of weeks. "Uhm, I ... I haven't..."

Perceiving my frustrating he cuts me off gently, "Oh. I'm sorry.I don't mean to be nosy. I know what it's like to date someone and have todeal with the whole hustling scene."

"It's ok. I just really don't know what to do?"

We look at each other and a mutual understanding passes between us- an understanding based on the hazards of our shared profession.Sometimes I forget that I'm not the only one who has to deal with all thecrap that comes from being a hustler.

"That's cool, man," he says with empathy. Then with a lighthearted tone he invites me over to his place. "Hey, you want to come overto my place and watch a video? I just rented Forrest Gump. Have you seenit yet?"

"Actually, I haven't." Maybe I should hang out with him. Itwouldn't be like I was putting my heart out on the line here or that he orI are using this as an excuse for sex. I think the last thing we'd want tohave is sex. Besides we've done it already with each other. I don't seethe risk. "Yeah sure that'd be cool. Let me just take my groceries homeand I'll be over in say an hour?"

He agrees and gives me his address, which is not too far from myapartment. Before we leave he looks into my cart and sees the Anusol. Helooks up and gets this knowing grin on his face and pats my arm inunderstanding. "Thanks for reminding me. I'm out at home."

An hour later (it's around 5:00pm or so) I'm at his door with somebeers. He greets me at the door wearing some boxer shorts and a t-shirt."I hope you don't mind the casual attire. Besides, it's not like youhaven't seen what I've got to offer," he says jokingly.

"No prob, man," I reply.

"Let me put these in the fridge," he says taking the six-pack andwalking to the kitchen. "Make yourself at home. There's a coat closet youcan hang your jacket right by the door."

"Ok," I say. I take off my jacket and decide to shuck my shoes,socks, and sweatshirt leaving me clad in my jeans and t-shirt. When hegets back with two iced mugs of beer I'm flipping through some of theworkout magazines on the coffee table.

"Thanks," I say taking a mug.

He flops down at the other end of the couch and we start talkingshop about some of the guys we've had working for Hal. It turns out thatboth of us have done some of the same guys and we compare notes - like theSpanish professor from the university who lives like a pig. We bothlaughed when we started to describe the same t-shirt that was encrustedwith dried macaroni noodles. The freak actually wore the same shirtwithout laundering after 2 weeks (the time in between my visit and Ian'svisit to his place). Then there's the paraplegic in the wheel chair who weboth find to be an incredibly amazing individual. We both agree the guy'sa brilliant person who just needs companionship just like every one else.

Two beers later we're still talking when the conversation startshitting really close to home. "So, how did you end up hustling?"

I pause. There's a lot more at stake with Jeff, but here with Ianit's different. Can I trust him? I'm not sure. Maybe this can be mypractice run with Jeff. "Uhm, well that's a long story. Let's just saythat the hours are good and the pay is great." I guess not.

"Ok, that's a bullshit answer if I've ever heard one. I know it isbecause that's what I used to believe about this gig when I first startedout." He says leaning back in the corner of the sofa.

Damn. What's the saying? You can't fool a fool or something likethat. "Ah ... well you got me on that one," I laugh.

He half smiles back, "It's ok. I'll respect your privacy."

"Thanks."

"Well I have no problems telling you why I started doing this." Heholds his arms up and directs my attention to his body. "You see this?This is all I have to offer the world and I need to get the most out of itbefore the nickel runs out."

He must be joking. "Are you kidding me?"

"No, really. This is it. My best asset." He leans forward on thecouch. "Look, I know I'm not what you call smart. I'm not going tocollege and I'm not going to be some lawyer or doctor or rich businessexecutive. I figure in a couple of years after saving some money fromdoing this I'll open up an auto mechanic shop or auto parts store. In themeantime I'm going to make the most of what I have."

"Auto mechanic?" With his GQ looks he wants to be an auto mechanic?

"What's wrong with that?" he jokingly challenges me.

"Nothing! I just never pictured you as the auto mechanic type," Isay raising my hands in mock surrender.

He snorts humorously. "There are such things as gay mechanics, youknow? People of our tribe are good at other things besides modeling,flowers, and sex."

"Ok, you've got a point," I laugh.

"Hey, I'm gonna get another beer. Want one?"

"Sure," I say.

Ian gets up to go to the kitchen and I find the remote and turn theTV on. I figure we should start the movie. "Ian? I'm gonna pop the moviein, ok?" I yell in the direction of the kitchen.

"Ok, man. Be right there."

The screen flickers to life and I click over to channel 3 so we canplay the tape on the VCR. I hit play and realize that this remote doesn'tseem to work with the VCR. Ian walks back in. "Oh, yeah. That remotedoesn't work for the VCR. You have to actually walk over and hit play. Ilost the remote that worked both the TV and the VCR and I've been meaningto replace but I keep forgetting."

The TV is on the local channel getting ready to show the 6:00o'clock news when Ian moves over to the TV. As he walks over I raise thevolume and before he gets to hit play the anchorwoman starts talking."Good evening everyone. I'm Janet Reese. Thank you for joining us. Atthis moment our news team is working on breaking news from the downtowndistrict where just a few hours ago the body of young male was foundsavagely murdered in the room of the Eastland Motor Lodge. For more onthis developing story let's go live to David Grimes who's on the scene."

Ian and I both freeze. The Eastland Motor Lodge is one of theplaces where we take our clients who need to be discreet.

The telecast continues shifting to the field reporter bathed inlights. In the background I can make out the familiar doors of the motorlodge. I can see a bunch of uniformed guys milling around. "Thank youJanet. At approximately 3:45 pm this afternoon a motel housekeepingemployee made a grisly discovery when she went in to room 205 to do herregular cleaning. What she found when she entered the room was the body of22 year old Tim Hegemon who from all accounts appears to have been brutallymurdered. Police are not revealing any specific details but initialreports from the housekeeper have her describing the body as beencompletely gutted. Police and EMT personnel arrived shortly thereafter ataround 3:55pm and quickly sealed the room and set up a one block perimeterto collect and search for evidence."

Ian sinks to the floor while my blood begins to freeze. This can'tbe happening. Not again.

"Oh my god," whispers Ian in shock. "That's Tim, the muscle head.I just saw him the other day at Harold's house."

The TV screen splits in two showing both the anchorwoman and thefield reporter at the same time. "David," the woman continues, " what canyou tell us about Mr. Hegemon? Is there any word on the victim from theauthorities?"

"Well, Janet, the police are keeping a pretty tight lid on anyfurther information getting out before notifying his next of kin. However,our Channel 3 research staff did do a search of the police blotter for thepast two years and have found that Mr. Hegemon had been arrested beforeduring a sting operation two years ago targeting male prostitution. Otherthan that we still don't know anything else."

"Any word on a motive or possible suspects, David?" asks theanchorwoman.

"No, Janet. At this time police have no motive or leads onpossible suspects. They are still interviewing witnesses and are askinganyone who was at this motel or near the motel between noon and 3:00pm thisafternoon to call with any information they have."

"Thank you Steve for your report." The anchor turns back to facethe cameras. "Channel 3 will bring you the latest information on this caseas they develop. In other news..."

The TV screen goes blank. I let the remote fall in my hand on tomy lap. This is so fucked up. "Oh my god."

Ian sits on the floor with his knees drawn to his chest and he'shead hanging in between his legs. "I think I'm going to be sick." Hisvoice is all choked up.

I drop off the couch and crawl on the floor over to Ian. He looksup and there's tears welling up in his eyes. We both look at each otherand we both know what each of us is thinking. That could have been eitherone of us in that motel room. One of us could have been dead right now.Instead it's Tim. With the grim realization in our minds we wordlesslymove into an embrace. We stay like that for a long time holding each otherwondering how much more fucked up our lives can get.