"Y'all are just gonna have to be more careful. If you get caughtI'm not gonna be responsible for you and I'm going to deny that I knowyou," says Harold as he paces back and forth in his living room. Smirking,he adds, "I know it sounds very Mission Impossible, but that's the deal.Y'all are big boys and you knew coming into this what the risks were."

God, I can't believe I'm sitting here with about 10 other escortswhen I should be sitting in class. Apparently Harold got a tip that thecity's vice squad is going to crack down on operations like his. Already,they've arrested Scott in a sting operation down in one of the gay barsknown to attract hustlers. When the police got him to the station Scottproceeded to tell them all sorts of information. I'm not surprised. Whatelse can you expect from an immature 19 year-old who was trying to replacethe money train that was mommy and daddy? Scott's like one of those manykids you've heard about in the press or in some Strand Releasing movie.Scott's parents found out he was gay, disowned him, and left him without apenny. I guess it's not really all his fault, but now because of hisfucking mouth my line of work just got way more complicated than it alreadywas.

"Randy, Tim.y'all hear me back there?" Harold gestures to two otherguys sitting near Harold's bar. "I don't want you two doing anythingstupid like ending up at the hustler bar.again!" he emphasizes.

"Hey, boss man that's not.,"starts Randy before he's cut off byHarold.

"Damnit, don't lie to me. I know you two liked going to the barwith Scott. Hell, I hear you were the two that introduced him to thatplace," says Harold clearly pissed off.

Randy and Tim know better than to say anything now as Harold goeson, "You know better than to go to a place like that. It's asking fortrouble with the police," he stalks closer to them and snarls, "and it'sasking for trouble with me."

Tim and Randy at 22 years of age are big bulky guys. They're themuscle heads of the group. If anyone wanting to fuck or get fucked by amuscle stud, they would be serviced by one of these guys. At any rate,given their size you'd think that they wouldn't visibly shake and cowerwhen menaced by a 50'ish flabby queeny fag like Harold. Well, you shouldsee these guys now - like girls. To be fair to them I have to tell youthat while Harold may be a wuss physically, his network of goons andreputation for using them is not.

"Ok, we get the point!" says Tim raising his hands plaintively."We promise we won't go there anymore if that's what you want. All we weredoing there was hanging out and drinking a couple of beers."

Slap!

Harold's hand flew across Tim's face catching the big guy offguard.

"Fuck you," snarls Harold. "Don't you fucking lie to me. Of allthe places you could go and have a beer with your dumb steroid freakfriends you decide to go there? Bullshit! You've been hustling behind myback!" Harold continues to pace back and forth clearly in one of his morenotorious moods. "AND, don't fucking deny it, you piece of shit!"

Tim just sits there with his hand at his face where Harold had justslapped him. He looks down trying to avoid looking at Harold and keepingquiet.

"Alright, that's it. You can all go," he says addressing all of usagain as a group. "But like I said. You get caught and I don't know you.And..," he pausing for effect. "If you talk when you get caught, you won'tlive. It's that simple. I can reach you in jail just as easily as I canout on the street."

I know he's serious. I'm always careful and I've vowed that Iwouldn't cross Harold. I know when I'm outmatched.

"Carlos." I hear Harold calling me back into the room as the othersfile out of the house. "Hey, I want to talk to you."

"Yeah, sure what's up?" I ask shoving my hands in my jacket. LikeI said, I really don't want to be here. I really should be back in class.

Harold sighs and his face softens. "Here, have some juice," hesays reaching into the small fridge behind the wet bar. "Sit down. Sitdown. Don't be so formal with me."

I slide into the stool that Tim had been sitting at just a littlewhile ago. "Thanks."

He sits next to me and pats my leg but not like you think. He'smore like a grandfather now. The change in him from a moment ago isamazing. "Carlos, you know I have to be that way sometimes. I don't wantyou to think that I would hurt you. You've been good to me. You're notlike all the rest. You're different. And coming from me that meanssomething."

I smile surprisedly back at him wondering where this is going.

"I know. I know. You're probably wondering what this old fuckingqueen like me wants and what's it gonna take for me to get to the point."He reaches over and squeezes my shoulder reassuringly and says, "I don'tthink this is where you want to be."

"Wh...What?," I stammer somewhat confused. "I.I thought you justsaid that."

"Carlos, Carlos, Carlos," he repeats cutting me off gently. "Letme finish. Heh, you young boys always get ahead of yourself. Just like Iused to..bah! I won't bore you with that and that's not really what Iwanted to talk to you about." He's so different now. Like I said he'slike my granddad, not at all like the mean old man from just five minutesago. His voice is calm almost soft, like you'd expect from an old man."You've helped pay for some of the stuff around here. Look, you're good atthis escort shit. I've got clients lining up for you. You've got thatinnocent and vulnerable act working for you that drives them fucking nuts.But I've gotta tell you, I know you're not acting. That's the real youyou're putting out there."

"Harold, I don't understand," I say knitting my brow in confusionand wondering if he had some sort of empathic ability that allows him tosee through me. Just where is he going with this? "Do you need me tochange my approach? Is there something special you need me to get in gearfor?" I ask.

Harold sighs and pauses and I can tell he's trying to figure outhow to proceed, "No, Carlos. You're a good kid - a young man, even. Butthis lifestyle just isn't for someone like you. I can tell you've got aheart and I can even tell that somehow someway along the way it got fuckedwith."

Ok now he's really freaking me out. I'm good at hiding this andI've never led on to anyone who I really am and yet here's Harold pickingme apart. I lean back in my chair in surprise and say, "How. How did you."

"You forget that I've been in the business of hustling boys for along, long time. I've seen all types of guys work trade for me. Most ofthem are career losers." He gets this faraway look and says, " Heh, thekind of men my momma used to bring home." Then he comes back from hisreverie and says, "But I've seen the rare few that end up as doctors,lawyers, fathers, executives and other shit like that." He'd gotten up andwalked around the bar to get some more ice when he points his finger at meand says, ".And you're one of those. And I'll tell you like I told them.Get out of this business while you still have a soul that you can live withand offer to someone."

Oh shit! He's asking me to quit. But I need this. It's gotten methrough this far and now I'm so close to getting what I want: an educationand hopefully a career somewhere down the road. Now of all times he'sasking me to quit. "Harold, but I have to do this. If it weren't forthis, I wouldn't be able to put myself through school. Yeah, I know thatthis isn't the most glamorous job in the world but it's afforded me to goto school and to pay for a place to live. I wouldn't even get financialaid. I tried that. I'm almost done. I can't just cut off my only sourceof income," I plead hoping that he won't make me quit.

"Alright, I'll admit the money's good and so are the hours, butwhat good is a college degree gonna do you when you have to list a felonyon your application along with that? I've already told you and the othersabout the police and the DA cracking down on what you do. You get caughtand the future you wanted might be over before it starts."

Fuck! Fuck! This can't be happening. This is a fucking nightmare.The one thing that's working for me in my life is this. I can pay tuitionand books for a year with just a month's worth of work. This is the easypart - the part of my life that works. Fuck. "So what do you want me todo?!" I get up and yell. "Just quit now while I'm this fucking close tofinish!" I scream in exasperation and forgetting whom I talking to. "I'msorry, Harold. I didn't mean to yell. It's just that this is not the besttime for this to happen, you know?"

"I know, kid. I know. But that's just the way this business is.They're years that no one cares that some guys get what they need on theside from me and then bam! Some new DA comes riding in and like a saintthat he is he goes and tries to make good on some campaign promise. 'Cleanup the town! Family values'", he mimes. "Idiot. All of those politiciansare idiots. Anyway, it's not just that that makes me think you need to getout. You're one hurt, angry young man and if you don't start being goodfor yourself, you're gonna find yourself used up and no good to anyone."

I know that he's right. I'm not stupid. I've seen the guys thatused to work for Harold come by every once and a while and they were allthe same. Their eyes were dead. Green, blue, brown... didn't matter whatcolor they all now looked so muted, so dead. They had no vibrance to themanymore. It's like they were hollow shells now. Some of the older guyscame back to Harold begging him to put them back on the street so they canmake some money. It was all they knew what to do they would say. But mostof them just came back to reminisce about what they used to be like: young,beautiful, and alive. Now they were just the guys who were AssistantManagers at the 7-11 working third shift.

I break from my thoughts and respond to Harold who's swishing thecontents of his glass, "You don't have to tell me, Harold. I've seen whatcan happen in this business. But right now I'm so close to getting mydegree and making something of myself, so please don't make me stop now.This is the only part of my life that actually works for me."

He shakes his head and sighs. I'm thinking he's not gonna let mekeep working for him so I whisper pleadingly and grab his hand, "Please."

"Carlos, I never was going to kick you off my service. I was justtrying to watch out for you. I was hoping you'd just walk away with somegentle prodding, but this is your decision and you have to live with it."

Sighing with relief I say, "Thanks, Harold... I...." I start tosay realizing that I need to get back to campus before my next class.

Cutting me off with a dead serious look on his face he says, "Butbefore you thank me there's more you should know about the whole Scottthing. He's dead."

My jaw drops and my stomach sinks to my knees. "How could Harolddo this," I think to myself. He was just a kid. Oh my god! And I'msitting here next to him. I need to get out of here.

Harold reaches out and puts his hand on my arm reassuringly,"Carlos..."

I flinch and the bar stool screeches back on the tile floor.

"Carlos...," he says again in a soothing, calming voice. "Carlos,it wasn't me. Do you think I would tell you that I would walk aroundtelling the people I have working for me that I just killed someone? Iknow I just threatened y'all but that's not the same as confessing to akilling."

"I... uhm...I guess you're right," I say wanting to believe him andnot sure that I have actually convinced myself that I do believe him."What happened?"

He explains that after Scott was arrested he was eventually let gowhen his parents posted his bail. He stayed with them that night the dayhe got out, but after that for some reason he ended up back at his place.Harold figures that he must have gotten into a fight with his parent aboutthe line of work he ended up in. At any rate, the next day when his motherwent to his apartment to try and get him to come back home she found himdead. He had been murdered.

Harold continues and tells me that the chief detective on the casehad been by to question him on the case to see if they could maybe tieHarold to this.

"There's was nothing I could tell them since I had nothing to do with this,Carlos. But, my god, they showed me the photos anyway." He shudders, "Mygod, my god... that poor kid. They say he was butchered, tortured from thelooks of it. I guess the reason the police showed me the pictures was togauge my reaction and if I would give myself away. But, I swear I wantedto retch when I saw what they did to him. I wouldn't do this.... no sir.A quick, clean kill....not something like this."

I can tell Harold is clearly shaken by recalling the photos but Ijust have to know more details, you know? I'm curious by nature. "Whatdid they do to him?"

"The cut him open from the looks of it and they disemboweled him.They put all his organs in different places in his bedroom: the nightstand,the ashtray, the television, everywhere.... my god, what his mother must begoing through.... and his dick! It had been cut off and they can't findit."

If I thought I had felt sick before. Then a thought crosses mymind and I ask, "Why didn't you tell us what really happened? And why areyou just telling me?"

He looks at me with a mixture of fear and frustration, "Look,Carlos, if this ever got out I would lose a huge chunk of my every dayoperating income. Do you think you and the rest would want to work if knewthis was going on?'

I was puzzled, "What? This was an isolated incident, right? Imean it could have been anybody who was just pissed off at Scott. Whywould we be concerned?"

"Because the cops don't think it was an isolated incident and thereason no one has heard anything about this is becuase Scott's parents havecovered everything up. They're connected, you know. Once the cops aredone with the body they're gonna do a nice quiet burial away from here.And the cops also want it quiet."

I slowly stand up and start to pace with the realization of what'sreally going on starting to sink in, "Oh my god."

Harold continues as I nervously step around the little wet bararea, "Once the cops felt sure that I had nothing to do with it, they toldme that I should call my escorts together to try and warn them to becareful but without making them go into a panic. They want to catch theguy and if they start making too much noise, they think he'll justdisappear. That's why y'all were here today. I had to warn you."

Putting the pieces of the morning together I ask further, "Sothat's really why you got mad that Tim and Randy?"

Looking me in the eye he answers, "Yes. If they go outside thesystem and go with someone not known to me they might end up with thissicko. All the johns I send you to are good guys, they may be assholes,but they're not gonna kill you."

"Is this why you wanted me to quit?" I ask sitting down nowwondering why Harold's really singled me out.

"Yes. And I'd hope that you would have."

"But why just tell me?"

"I told you. You have potential, a future. You shouldn't feelthat you have to do this and it would be a waste if you ended up in dead."

I sit back down. The realization that my life has just gotten alot more dangerous sinks in. Damn. I need this job. I graduate and then Ican settle down into something more normal - whatever that is. Then ithits me - what Harold has just tried to do for me. "Thank you, Harold, fortelling me," I say sincerely. "I appreciate it, but I have to keepworking, and I promise I'll only work with the guys you send me to and I'llbe very careful."

"You do that, my friend, " he says placing his hand on my shoulderreassuringly.

"Listen, I have to get to class," I say looking at my watch. "I'vegot class in 30 minutes."

"Alright, you, he says. Go on and get that degree so you can getout of this mess," he smiles trying to take some of the severity out of theconversation before I go. "Remember, you're on tomorrow night, but if youwant to back out, just let me know."

Getting off the stool I grab my stuff and leave but not beforesaying, "Thanks, Harold."

On the way to campus on the bus I think about all those olderhustlers and if they ever had to deal with something like this. "Am Ireally gonna be like them or am I gonna end up dead? Will I ever amount toanything? And what's up with Harold singling me out like this. Oh man andthen Scott. Poor Scott." My mind is reeling and trying to take this allin.

I rest the side of my head against the window, my body swaying and jostlingwith as the bus travels over potholes in the road. I feel like shit. Whythis? Why now? I'm so close. It's like fate is waving the one thing thatI want the most right in my face and now it's saying 'Nyah. Nyah' andlaughing at me. It's just not fair. But, you know what? I'm not gonnalet this hold me back. I'm going to be careful. I'll only go do the johnsthat I know and I'll keep an extra low profile. I swear to myself I'm notgoing to caught and I'm not going to die.

The bus starts coming to a stop at the university and I get out. Walkingto class my mind finally settles on Cal and I wonder what he's doing rightnow. Can you imagine? Cal and I somewhere in a house together, watchingthe snow come down from inside a warm den with a comforting fire. "Heh," Ilaugh bitterly. "Yeah right."

Then I remember the guy from the other night. The one who asked me to goto Starbucks. Maybe, he'd fit in that picture of me by the fire. I closemy eyes and shake my head trying to clear my mind of both him and Calbefore Organic Chemistry.

--1987--

"I can't believe that fucking bitch!" Anna says pacing back andforth. "That fucking bitch!" she repeats muttering to herself.

It's the next morning at school before classes and I had justfinished telling Anna what Cal told me yesterday. Of course I didn't tellher everything like how he made me feel when he told me he loved me. Butwhat i did tell her sent her through the roof and now she's here pacing andready to rip Yvette's head off.

Cal called me late last night and told me how it went. He had goneover to pick her and took her to the football field to break the news thathe was breaking up with her. She didn't take to yell. She slapped him andtold him he was a loser. He said that after that she was beyond allreason. She just went on and on how he couldn't just leave her like thisright in the middle of senior year. According to he they're things heshould have considered: winter ball, prom, graduation.

I asked him how he was doing and he told me that he was fine, but Icould tell that he wasn't. It was kind weird for me to see him like this.I mean he was always the one in my fantasies that would come, sweep me offmy feet, and fight all the dragons for me. But, last night it sounded likehe was the one that needed rescuing.

Hardly anyone is on campus right now. Anna and I got to schoolreally early today. Cal, Yvette, nor any of the G/T class has showed upyet. Lucky for Yvette or else who knows what Anna might do.

"Anna, relax," I say trying to soothe her. "At least now we knowwhat a bitch she is."

"Yeah, so what! I just can't believe her! I thought she was afriend. Why would she do this?" she asks. Speaking of women not takingthings well. Anna's not doing so well either with the news of Yvette'sbetrayal.

"I really don't know" I say getting somewhat annoyed that I don'tknow either. I try and hold her or do anything that would keep her fromfrantically pacing. "Cal said she's changed..."

"And Cal! What the fuck is up with him? I can't believe he wentalong with it. He's just as...."

"Anna," I cut her off not wanting to hear her go in on him, "he'sgone through enough hell because of this already. I don't think we need toadd to it."

"Hell?! I'll show him hell when get's here." she replies angrily.

"He has gone through enough, Anna.," I say emphatically. "Have youthought about this from his perspective? Do you know what it must be liketo have the person you love change on you like this?"

As soon as I say this I feel the irony slap me in the face. Takingmy pause as an opening Anna asks, "What do you mean?"

Oh shit. Gotta tread carefully here. Even though she has no ideathat I love Cal I can't help but feel that as I tell her how Cal was thrownby Yvette's change that somehow this is just the preview of what mighthappen to Anna if it ever came out that I love Cal. So I take a deepbreath and tell her some of what Cal went through last night.

"Well, I guess that's something to consider, but that doesn't meanthat he can't think for himself and tell the difference between what'sright and wrong," she replies somewhat calmer.

"I know but he loves her and can you tell me that you wouldn't doanything to save what you had? Wouldn't you?" I ask holding her gazehoping that her dark brown eyes can't see the anguish I'm feeling justtalking about this.

She stays silent for a moment and I can tell she's tossing in herhead what I just told her. "Look, Carlos, I'm in this for you. I love youand I don't want to see you get hurt by someone that you trusted as yourfriend. You deserve better than that..."

I just can't bear hear this and I try to cut her off, "Anna..."

"No. Hear me out. I just want to see you happy and I can tell bytalking to you that you still want you and Cal to be friends. And I knowthat Cal is basically a good guy. I'm just kinda pissed off right nowabout this whole Yvette thing. Give me time and I'll be ok with Cal. NowYvette's another story."

I just can't believe Anna. She's so awesome! Why can't I just bein love with her?

"So," Anna says grabbing my hand, "he really told her that it'sover?"

"Yeah." I say looking at my watch. It's getting later on in themorning and the bell for first period is only 20 minutes away. Morestudents have already filed in and begun to fill up their usual spaces onthe Wall. Some of the G/T class has already come in and just then I seeCal coming towards us. He looks a little nervous.

"Hey, guys," he smiles nervously. I can tell something's up byjust the way he's carrying himself.

Anna gives him this half hard look and then says, "Hey, yourself."And then without even missing a beat she hurls out, "Where is she?"

I can see Cal taken aback some by Anna's bluntness. He drops hishead some and looks away from us and says, "I'm not sure. I guess she'scoming in with Becky." He looks like he's ashamed or something -uncomfortable.

"I told her what you told me, Cal. I hope you're alright withthat," I say wanting to get this out on the open between the three of us.

He looks at me. His eyes are a bit puffy like he'd been cryingthis morning and smiles weakly, "Of course I am. She's your girlfriend."

Anna still has her arms cross and says, "Well I'm glad you have noproblem with that. So. Tell me. How did she take you breaking up withher?"

"Uhm...well...not too well," replies Cal sitting down on the Wall."She was pissed and she went on about how she finally was able to have thekind of dream high school life she's always wanted and now I go and ruinit."

He pauses and puts his face in his hands, "I just can't believethis. I thought she loved me, but all along I was just playing this part.The part of some stupid boyfriend in her fantasy land." I can hear himchoke up a bit, "Didn't I mean anything?" he says asking no one inparticular. Then he looks back at us and adds, "Oh! And then the way Itreated you, Carlos.... I...I'm so, so sorry"

"Hey, hey... take it easy, man. I'm not mad," I say and then Ireach down and squeeze his shoulder to reassuringly him that we're ok. He'sfighting the urge to cry. Gawd, how I wish I could pull him up into a hug.I wouldn't let go ever again. I can't stand seeing him hurt like this. Ijust want to take him away from all this. I know what he feels.

Even Anna softens up some now that she sees what this whole ordealhas done to him, "Look, Cal, I'm sorry I was such a bitch to you. Butyou're not the only one Yvette's fucked over and I guess I'm taking it outon you."

"No it's ok. I should have stuck up for and for you and Carlos.Instead I went against my better judgment. I just kept thinking that she'dsnap out of it, you know? Like it was some stupid phase. So I went alongand now I guess I deserve it," he says slumping his head back into hishands.

"You went with what your heart wanted to believe, Cal. I canunderstand that." I say.

He looks me at me smiles, "Thanks."

"Well you may not be thanking me later when the rest of Claudia andCo. find out. They might let it go and then again they might not sinceYvette might tell them that I was part of this," I say realizing that he'snow might get some of the luster he gained from being with Yvette. I haveto prepare for what I think is going to happen. It might not be as bad aswhat I got but it won't be like it used to be. Those guys cover for eachother and this is going to be one of those times that they do.

"Speaking of, here she comes." I whisper as Yvette makes her way to theWall.

We see Yvette come onto campus and she makes a beeline for Claudia,Becky, and the rest of the retards. I can she tell she's pissed cause herlips are pinched line shut in anger. I'm guessing she's must of have seenus sitting there as she walked in.

Anna starts to walk to Yvette. "Hey, you fucking bi...."

I grab Anna's arm and pull her back. "Not now and not here," Isay. "This can't lead to anything good right now."

"Yeah?! Try like scraping her off the bottom of my fucking shoe."she snarls loud enough for Yvette to here.

Yvette looks up surprised and scared and in instant realizes thatCal must have told us everything. I don't think she had counted on that.She turns away and begins whispering to the other girls she's with. As shequickly fills them in, they look over at us and sneer in contempt. Thisdoes nothing to help me calm Anna.

"You see that?! I can't fucking believe this!" she snaps.

"Anna, nothing good can come of this right now. Not here. Not now.But maybe later when you've thought this through," I say hoping to getthrough to her.

"Carlos is right. I ...I know what you're feeling,' Cal stammers,obviously shaken by seeing her. "But you have to let her go... for now.Right now she's with her gang and it wouldn't accomplish anything. Thebest thing to do is catch her when she's alone."

"Ok fine, but sooner or later she's going to fucking answer to me,"she says clenching her fists.

"Anna?" I say.

"Yeah?" she answers still trying to catch Yvette's eye, but Yvettewas too busy trying to look anywhere else but at us.

"Remind me never to piss you off on when you're on your period."

That finally gets her to smile and she punches my arm. "Shut up,you dork of a boyfriend."

With that the bell for first period rang and we went to class.Anna went to her art class while Cal and I headed to our first period G/Tchemistry class. The day went pretty well for the most part. There wasn'tany more than the usual taunts and looks directed at me from the rest ofthe G/T class throughout the rest of the day. Cal on the other hand was adifferent story. At first it seemed that everything was going to be ok.The other guys in the class acknowledged his presence with the usual "Hey,dude, wassup" but as the day wore on it was apparent that Cal had lost someof his status as a popular guy in the class. The girls were especiallycold to him. They'd see him and just look right through him as if heweren't there.

By fifth period English I could tell that this whole thing wasbeginning to wear on him. I thought back to what he told me in hiskitchen. When he told me that he wasn't as strong as I was. I guess now Ican see what he means. He's starting to withdraw from everyone. By theend of the school day he was completely morose.

"Hey, Cal, you wanna come over to my place?" I say trying to catchup to him at his locker.

"Yeah.... sure," he says speaking like his mind is somewhere else.

We get in his car and drive to my place. My mom and dad are atwork and my brother has cross-country track practice till five so we hadtwo hours to ourselves. WE get to my room to listen to music.

"So, how are you doing?" I ask as Stevie Nicks plays in thebackground.

He doesn't hear me. He's just staring off into space.

"Cal?"

"Huh?"

"Look, man, I know today wasn't easy, but you can't let them get toyou."

"Oh. It's not that. It's just....well... I thought they were myfriends, you know. And now it's like I'm not there."

"Hey, at least they're leaving you alone. It could be worse. Youcould get it like I do every once and a while," I say trying anything tofind a silver lining.

"You don't get it!" he screams getting up from my bed. "They weresupposed to be my friends! I did things with them everyday. We went toparties, talked, hung out and now this? What the fuck?!"

I sigh knowing that what he's feeling is what I felt the other daywhen told me about Yvette. I look at him and then he catches what I'mthinking and it dawns on him what Anna and I went through.

"Oh shit."

"Yeah. Oh shit," I repeat.

He sits down at my desk and puts his face in his hands. "I'm sosorry. I guess I should have thought that..."

"It's ok. I told you I'm ok with it now. You don't have to beatyourself over it for my sake."

"I know but now I understand what you must have felt like."

"Hey, just remember one thing. They aren't worth the agony. Yousaid it yourself. You thought they were your friends but it turns out theyweren't. So just let it go. You found out who your real friends were andthe friends you can count on."

He smiles at me and holds my gaze, "Thanks." Then he gets upshaking his head, "I just can't believe this, though."

"You will and you'll get used to it. It won't be so hard to getused to dealing with real people who care about you and who respect you.Once you've had that you'll never find yourself missing them ever again."

"Yeah, I know you're right, but the real thing that's bothering meis how I couldn't have seen this all before. Was I that stupid? How couldhave I let myself be fooled?"

"Cal, look, you thought they were your friend and turns out thatthey weren't. It doesn't matter now. What matters now is that you did theright thing. You found out what they were all about and you did somethingabout it. Don't beat yourself up for it," I say going over and kneeling infront of him. I grab his hands and look into his eyes, "You're here withme and I'm your friend. I promise I'll never let you down like they did."

Oh my god. I'm actually holding his hands. The palms of his handsare surprisingly soft and his eyes are moist with the tears he's beenfighting back. Every nerve in my body wants me to pull him closer to meand kiss him but I'm fighting it. I can't do this to him now. I can'tlose him over something like this. Not now.

I must have been holding his hands for just a few seconds insilence; even though, it felt like an eternity. "I... I won't everh.... hurt you, Cal."

"I know you won't," he says squeezing my hands, never breaking eyecontact.

No matter how much money you have, no matter if you told me thehouse was on fire there was no way you can get me to stop looking into hiseyes. I'm stuck and I don't know what to do.

"C..Cal?"

"Yeah?" he whispers back.

"I love you, you know." I feel like throwing up and singing at thesame time.

He just stays quiet and then looks down at our hands. I can tellhe's getting nervous. Oh, fuck! I just blew it. I fucking blew it."I.I'm sorry, Cal. I don't mean to weird you out. I'm sorry." I backpeddle trying to get up and away from him to give him his space.

He squeezed my hands harder and pulls me back, "You're not weirdingme out." He focuses his eyes back on mine and I can tell he's cool withthis - so far. "Listen, I'm sorry for..."

"Man, Cal....," I start to protest.

"Shh...." he says putting our hands to my mouth. "Let me finish.I'm sorry for everything and I'm sorry for being such a wuss all day long.Remember what I told you? It's going to be like this for me for a while.And it's not just the G/T class and Yvette. They're other things on mymind. I'm going to be a mess for a while until I sort things out. Whatkind of moron am I?" he says returning to the subject of Yvette. "Ithought she loved me and I also thought that I loved her. And now that'schanged. But now," gripping my hands tighter, "I know I have you and thisis real."

What the hell does that mean?! But I can't ask so I just staythere to dumbstruck to say anything and that if I did say something, thenhe'd never finish.

"You know, it's funny," he laughs still holding my hands.

"What?" I whisper.

"Heh...Yvette thought that was supposed to be this total *it*boyfriend - all cool, sophisticated, and totally in control. But here I ama fucking wreck," he laughs.

I'm totally not getting his humor, "How's that funny?"

"That you're the man Yvette really wants," he keeps laughing.

"What the hell do you mean?" I ask totally confused.

Cal is still holding my hands but shaking in laughter. "Oh man!Just look at me and look at you. You're the man she really wants -Mr. Cool, able to take crap and keep going, and so in control. And I'm thetotal opposite. I'm losing it here after just one day and you've beendealing with this for a lot longer. Maybe I should call her and tell herabout newfound revelation. Maybe she'll snatch you from Anna."

"Uh, maybe you do and let's just say I smack you up side the head,"I say trying to laugh but still freaking out that I'm here so close to himand that he's actually touching me even after I told him I loved him."But, seriously, like you said I've been dealing with this for a lot longerand it's different. I wasn't in love with Yvette. You were."

"I know," he says with most of the humor gone.

Still close to him and holding his hands I had to see if he was okwith me telling him that I loved him. "Cal...."

"Yeah?"

"Are you ok with me telling me that I love you?" Fuck oh fuck hereit comes but at least it won't be hanging between us.

Smiling and finally letting go, "Yeah, I'm fine. Don't worry. Noweirdness. I know you didn't mean it that way."

My hands are warm, almost wet from having my hands in his. Ididn't realize that I had been holding my breath until I tried to answer.It came out in a rush of air, "Cool"

He gets up walking to the stereo, leaving me crouching on thefloor, "Anna's lucky, you know? She's got quite a catch in you." The tapehad stopped playing and he switches it to the other side.

I stand up walk towards him, not liking the bitter tone I'mhearing, "Cal? What's up?"

He turns to face me, "You know, the other things that are on mymind that I mentioned?"

"Yeah?"

"Well it hasn't been till the past couple of weeks that I'venoticed some things about myself. I'm seeing myself and everyone else forthe first time. Things I don't like. Things I do like. And it's allhappening it once. And the things I don't like... especially the thingsabout myself when I compare myself to you it's so intense. It's like thismixture of admiration and anger that I get. Admiration for the person youare and anger for the kind of person I'm finding out I am."

Closing the distance between and no longer so afraid to touch him,I grab his arms gently, "You *are* a good person. You're this wonderfulfriend with great qualities and someone who means a lot to me.Please.... please don't beat yourself up. I can't stand it."

Taking my hands from his arms he holds them, "Speaking of wonderfulpeople, you're not so bad yourself. You're one of the things that I'mseeing for the first time that I do like." He pauses and looks me in theeyes. I think he's really *is* seeing me for the first time. Man he'sgonna spoil me if he keeps doing this. This is nothing like looking intoAnna's eyes. I feel like falling in and I don't have to look away. He'slooking right back at me. "Anna is soooo lucky," he repeats in a whispermaking me think he's thinking out loud.

I want to kiss him so bad. I feel myself lean in and his face iscoming closer, inches from mine or am I imagining this? Is that his breathon my lips or the breeze from the ceiling fan? I don't know. What's real?I'm not sure. I'm holding my breath again, waiting for him to show mewhat's real and what's not. I'm too afraid to make my move. Hell, I'm tooparalyzed to move. God, let this be real.

"Yo!"

Cal abruptly lets me go and my air punches back into my lungs. Itry and catch my bearings. What the fuck happened?!

"Hey! Anybody home? Carlos?" I hear my brother yell from theliving room down the hall.

I look at Cal and he's sitting on the bed nervously flippingthrough my trig book for no page in particular. Shit! This really almosthappened.

"I said 'Yo!" My brother says as he opens my bedroom door. "Whydidn't you answer? Oh, hey, Cal. Wassup, dude?"

Smiling and giving me a nervous glance he responds, "Hey there,Javier."

"We were just really into our trig homework and didn't hear youcome in," I say hoping he buys my excuse and hoping he just leaves us alone- for once. Then I realize that he's home early from practice. "Weren'tyou supposed to be at practice?"

"Yeah, but coach had to leave and gave us a short practice," heshrugs back. "Hey, I'm hungry. Anybody want a sandwich?"

"No!" Cal and I both answer at once.

"Ok, ok... I don't need it in stereo," says Javier somewhatstartled.

"Sorry," I apologize. "We just need to get back to trig. Testtomorrow."

"Ok, well have fun. I'm gonna make that sandwich," he saysstarting to walk out.

"You know, I should get going. My parents are getting back todayand I should be home when they get there. They like taking me out todinner when the get in from a trip," adds Cal quickly while rising from thebed.

With my brother there I can't say anything but ok. "Are you sureyou're gonna be ok, though?" I ask hoping he won't leave. I have to knowjust what happened - or didn't happen. Fuck, why did my brother have toget home when he did?

"I'm fine. Thanks for everything," he smiles back while grabbinghis stuff. "I'll call you later. Maybe we can do a swim workout lateron."

"Ok." I say.

He tells my brother goodbye and then leaves. My brother goes tothe kitchen to make his sandwich and I'm just left standing there wonderinghow this day can get any more confusing.

--1995--

"You just could have told me that hated coffee."

"Fuck!" I scream trying to turn around to face the voice frombehind but the one leg in Speedo can't keep up with the one out of theSpeedo and I fall forward into someone's arms. I can tell he's naked bythe feel of his flesh pressed against mine. It's late at night and I'm atthe swim center. I've just finished another late night workout.

"Whoa. Careful there. I didn't mean to scare you."

I manage to get my balance and push off from the guy's chest and Isee the blue eyes from the other night. It's Jeff. Damn, I had hoped Iwouldn't run into him.

When I don't say anything he says, "It's me. Jeff. The guy yousaid you'd meet at Starbucks?"

"Yeah, I remember," I say snapping my Speedo off my leg. "Listen,I'm sorry about that, but something came up and I couldn't make it." Ihope he buys this lame excuse.

He smiles, "No sweat. I was hoping it was something like that.Uhm, not that it was anything bad that came up, right? I don't mean itlike that. I just hope that I wasn't wrong about you, you know, and that Imight have freaked you out. I wasn't wrong? Wasn't I?" he says completelyunsure of himself now.

I sigh to myself and realize the guy is really trying and then Inotice he's trying to hide his crotch with the towel that had been aroundhis neck. I can't get over it sometimes the effect I have on guys likeJeff. He's getting excited just looking at me. I guess this is weird forme to see other people who have no control over their bodies. In thebusiness I'm in I've learned control. I don't let my body especially mycock betray me. Yet, he's not like that and he's really trying to be nicedespite the fact that I stood him up. "No, you weren't wrong. I'm gay."

"Whew, thank god. For a second there I thought you were going tofloor me when I came up behind you. I just don't want you to think I wassome perv hitting on you or something," he adds quickly.

"Oh really," I say and I flick my eyes down to the towel he'sholding in front of himself. He catches that and blushes a fierce shade ofred, "Uh.This looks.oh, shit..I'm sorry. I know this looks bad. But yougotta admit you're very handsome and built and seeing you like this wellit's uhn, well, you know.uhm .Oh, fuck, maybe I should leave."

I let a smile play across myself and he seems to get a bit more atease. He's kinda cute when he blushes like that. I decide to let him offthe hook. "Don't worry about it. I'm not offended; as a matter of fact,I'm flattered."

He looks up from the floor, "Are you sure? I can understand withthe way this looks."

"I'm fine, don't worry about it," I say.

"Ok, well. Would you still like to go have coffee later. I knowit's late and all but I know this other local coffee joint that stays openpretty late. If you don't have a car, we go in my car," he asks stillgripping the towel.

Damn, what to do? He's cute and like I said he's really trying andseems sincere. If I go with him, I want to make the same mistake I didwith the other guy, Stan, from the bar. I'm also supposed to be workingfor Harold tonight. However, he did say that if I wanted to back out thatit would be ok with him.

Sensing my hesitancy he quickly adds, "I promise I won't bite andthat I look just as good in clothes as in a Speedo."

"Ok," I laugh. "If you say so." I think I will go have coffeewith him. "But first I have to make a phone call. Let me get dressed andI'll meet you out front."

"Ok, but if you don't show up, I'll bring the coffee shop in here,"he grins.

I laugh and marvel how this guy just puts me so at easy, "Ok, I'llbe right back." I shower, dress, and call Harold to tell him that I'm notgoing to be able to work tonight. He was kinda glad to hear that and saidthat he did have a john lined up for me but that he'd get someone else togo. I then go meet Jeff out front. Wow! Not bad looking in clotheseither - loose fitting jeans, white mock shirt, and a red jacket.

"Did you phone home," he grins.

Damn, this guy is good at making me laugh, "Yeah, I did. So?Coffee now?"

"Yup. Coffee, company, and conversation - a very good combinationif I do say so myself. And look, ma. No towels.

I just laugh and head out to his car. Maybe this won't be so badafter all.