"Hey, you. Where have you been hiding lately?"

I turned around and found myself face to face with my friend Robertwho was standing next to the bar. I had decided to take the night off andhead-out to the local gay bar to just relax with a couple of drinks and notworry about having the energy and mood to service anyone.

"I've been pretty busy with stuff. You know how it goes: work,trying to finish school, pay bills, blah blah," I smile back.

"Cool. Just hadn't seen you around in a while. I was beginning tothink that you had dropped of the face of the planet or at least lefttown," he added while sipping his beer. He waved his beer around the roomand then said, "So, you think you gonna score with any of these beautieshere tonight?"

I looked down at my feet and laughed at the comment. Robert didn'tknow what I did on the side to keep myself in school. If he did, I'd hopehe would understand that the last thing I want to do is come out and findanother meaningless trick. But I didn't want him probing so I answeredthat the thought had crossed my mind.

"You see anyone in particular that catches your eye?" Robert saidwith a sly grin on his face. I knew what that smile meant, especially whenit was coupled with having had a few or 5 beers. Robert has a hard timekeeping it a secret that he likes me. Well, let me qualify that: what hereally wants is to fuck my brains out. Don't get me wrong. He's not likesome of those insufferable men I have to put up with to make a living.Robert's way of flirting with me is cute and something I can handle reallyeasily. Besides, he's one of the few friends I have out in the gaycommunity and I don't want to lose the very few I have.

I decide to put on my best little boy smile which seems to alwaysget me what I want and say, "Oh there's always someone in particularcatching my eye, Robert. The thing is do I really want to be caught sosoon and so early on nights like tonight. It'd be a shame not to enjoy itand see what other beauties might wander in." I figure to let him downgently by sounding still somewhat flirty.

He leans in closer and I can smell Anheuser-Busch on his breath,"You know, you really know how to work on old queen like me. Just becauseI'm 40 years old, work a blue collar job, and have had my glory days ofdriving down the highway shirtless in open jeep pass me over doesn't meanI've forgotten how to take a good-looking guy like you and show him a goodtime. Experience and age have a lot to say for themselves even if thepackage they come in is a bit worn and in a size 36 waist."

Ok, so I had to laugh. "Ok Robert, one night I just might have tofind out what age and experience can do for me. And when that night comes,I promise you that you'll be the first one I'll go to for a demonstration,"I say still smiling as I sip the last of my drink.

He holds my gaze for a second too long when I start to worry that Ihave offended him; thus, losing another ally in my lonely life. But, thenhe breaks into a grin and says, "Damn, Carlos, you are too fucking smooth.So smooth that I think I'll buy you a drink. That's how good you are. Youshoot me down but you let me keep my dignity. I genuinely appreciatethat," he says and proceeds to order me another Tanqueray and tonic.

"Seriously, though," he begins to ask as he hands me my drink, "isthere someone special in your life right now? Now, don't think I'm stillcoming on to you or anything. I just wonder what a guy like you is doingrunning around in a gay bar instead of at home in some other cute20-something's arms."

My smile drops a little and my eyes instinctively look away fromRobert. Never before had he asked me a serious personal question. Most ofour interaction had been to talk about superficial crap like the latestmovies or the new bar-back the club just hired. He'd never before shown aninterest in really getting to know me. I guess I'm feeling a little ofthat shock I got when someone else had shown some interest in my life.

"Well?' he probes further waiting for an answer.

Reverting to my best form I look back at him and smile, "I guessI'm too busy having fun and getting to know all the boys before it getstime to where I can't ride shirtless in a jeep."

Robert frowns, pushing aside my obvious attempt to redirect theconversation. "No, Carlos, really. You are a great guy from what I cantell. You're beautiful, smart, take care of yourself, and seem to have ahandle on what you want to do with your life. You should be with someonewho really cares about you and whom you care about just as fucking much,"he says earnestly. "About the only thing I can see wrong with you is thatyou don't let anyone in. You're one of the most extremely guarded people Iknow. Every time I see you out it's like there's you and then the shieldaround you. I've seen many a poor fool try and break through that and walkaway with their tails tucked between their legs - me included. Don't beafraid to let people in or you'll wake up one day just like me at 40."

I stand there listening to things I haven't already contemplatedmyself. I have wondered what my life would be like when I am older. I'veno illusions that I'm going to stay young and fit and desirable forever.As Robert's beauty and days of glory have passed, so will mine in duecourse. I know that there will come a time when men will no longer find itnecessary to pay to have sex with me. As a matter of fact, sometimes I cancatch glimpses of myself in some of the older and kinder men who are myregular clients. One day, it will be on the other side looking at ahandsome young guy looking to make a quick easy buck.

"Robert, it's not that I'm afraid to let anyone in my life," I saybeginning to lie. "I just don't feel like settling down. I want to go outand grab life by the balls and milk them for all their worth. Can youblame a guy of my age for that? Come on, even you yourself went aroundtricking with the best looking guys in your day."

Pointing the bottle of beer to my chest he replies, "Yes, I'lladmit I liked to fuck around in my day. There's nothing wrong with that.Just don't let that be all there is."

"I promise I won't," I say knowing that I've no intention ofkeeping that promise. It's much better to plan for a life alone where youhave only yourself to count on than to give your heart to someone and thenwatch it be smashed again.

-1987-

"Nerd! Get the fuck away from here you skinny ass snitch! Go backto your side of the wall!" yells Becky, one of Claudia's lackeys as Iapproach Cal in the school courtyard. Our high school is one of thoseschools that's all open air. To get from one class to another you actuallyhave to go outside and go from building to building. In the middle of theschool are two huge pecan trees that are enclosed by a low, raised brickwall. The wall is a big rectangle that holds in the dirt for the tress.On any given day before classes started, the "wall" would seat a hundredstudents or so. There are certain sections of the wall that were primereal estate. These spots are reserved for the more popular students of ourhigh school. Naturally this meant the G/T class.

I ignore Becky and continue on towards Cal who is sitting next toSandy and Tammy. Although they were one of those who gave me a hard timeback when the whole snitch thing was still fresh in everyone's mind, theyhad left me alone me in the past year. Despite that, I am still very wearyand guarded when I'm around them.

"Hey, how's it going?" I ask Cal while white knuckling my books.

"Hey, pretty good," he grins back. "I'm getting ready to go toadvanced Chemistry and get a start on my lab."

Tammy and Sandy ignore me, which I take as a blessing. They won'ttell how nervous I am talking to Cal. I'd spent all night after I hung upwith him trying to figure out how I was going to handle being around him.I thought I'd just start shying away from him, but I quickly realized thatthat was not an option. There's no way I can go through a day andpurposefully ignore him after all the hell I went through the past fewmonths trying to deny what I feel for him. And here he is risking hisnewfound popularity by talking to me. So I decided that I was going tojust keep on hanging around him like before. If anyone were going to breakthis friendship off, it would have to be him. And I am laying some seriousemotional collateral that he won't do that.

"Cool." I say. "Wanna hang after school today at your place?" Iask in a hushed, rushed voice hoping that by somehow speaking in a whisperthat my real feelings for him wouldn't be heard.

"Yeah, sure. Bring your trunks over and we can go for anotherswim," he said while gathering his books.

At that moment it didn't matter that I was standing on the "wrong"side of the wall. You ever get this feeling of euphoria when someone youcare about does something so seemingly insignificant and simple for you andto you it was like they'd taken a bullet for you? Well that's me now.Damn, it's all so different today - so intense, yet exciting. I mean, likeI said last night, we've spent a lot of time together and I've asked to dothings together before, but that was before.

"Ok, I'll go home right after my last class and grab my trunks," Isay beginning to walk backwards away from him with a huge grin on my face.All of a sudden the back of my foot catches something and I pitch backwardon my ass. My books fly everywhere and my glasses slip down to my mouth.

"Watch your step, skinny snitch," sneers Becky. She had stuck herfoot out to trip me. The rest of the G/T class sits there and laughs outloud - Claudia laughing the loudest.

As bad as it seems, I've been subjected to worse pranks than this.I pick myself and defiantly stare back at them. I'm not going to give themsatisfaction of showing them they had gotten to me. I turn and look atCal. It looks like he's half gotten up to come help me but stopped inmid-air. Again, with those eyes. I feel that warm blanket being to wrapmy heart. He gives me a slight smile and nods as I get up and walk away.

Ok, many of you are wondering what the fuck I see in this guy whodoesn't seem to stick up for me when it counts. Maybe, to you it's notenough that Cal just smiled and sat there when I was tripped. Why, if hewas my friend, didn't he stick up for me some more? Why didn't he saysomething? Am I totally imagining everything? The thought has crossed mymind, actually. But, I guess I should give a little more history of myfriendship with Cal. Maybe that will shed some light for you.

When we met I was not in a good place in my life. The whole thingwith Claudia had just gone down when he was transferred into the G/Tclasses. While the rest of class was having their fun taking theirrevenge, he took me in. As we became closer I got to know him and evenwanted to be more like him. And there were other times I can mention.Like the time when took care of me when I was sick and my parents were outof town, or the times he's called me on a random Wednesday night duringsummer vacation and asked me out to the movies. I'd just been so stubbornand clueless before last night. Now I realize how special he'd really mademe feel.

As the snickers die down I walk towards my locker to get mynotebooks for my morning classes. Then, I run into Anna. Fuck! What am Igoing to do about Anna? How am I going to get anywhere with Cal when Ihave her to worry about? I know it's not her fault that I'm gay (yikes!Did I just say that? It's gonna take a while before I can get used tothat. Hell, I need to understand what exactly that means for me first).Anna deserves someone who'll genuinely want to be with her.

"Hey, Carlos, how are you? I saw what those assholes did. Are youok?" she asks with concern.

I smile back and say, "Yeah, I'm ok. It's nothing new with thoseguys. I'm used to it."

"Still, they should grow up. What happened with Claudia is ancienthistory. I guess they have nothing better to do with their shallow livesthan to pick on other people," she says tenderly placing her palm of herhand on my cheek. Her touch feels so good, but I can't help but think whatit would be like if it were Cal's hand on my face. "By the way, I saw thatCal didn't even stick up for you. Why are you still hanging around withsomeone like that? That's not what I call a friend," she adds.

"I'm not worried about it. I can take care of myself," I reply notknowing what to say to her and not make her suspicious of my feelings forCal. "I don't need him to fight my battles."

"I know but a friend should stick up for another when they're introuble."

Just then, Claudia and her friends file by and smirk at us. "Anna,you know, we all think you deserve extra credit grade points or somethingfor having to stoop to this snitch's level and even be here talking to him.How you can even touch him is beyond me." Claudia moves in closer placesher hand on Anna's arm, "Listen, when you decide that you've done your bitfor humanity by hanging with this loser, you're more than welcome to hangwith us."

Anna grabs Claudia's hand like it was diseased and shoves it back."Fuck off, bitch. I'd never want to hang with someone as shallow, fake,and petty as you. I really feel sorry for you."

"Fine, do whatever you want. Just don't expect us to offer thisinvitation again," says Claudia as she flips me off and walks off with herentourage.

"I just want to rip their heads off sometimes," grits Anna throughher teeth.

"Hey, hey, calm down," I try and soothe her. "Don't let them getto you. I try and not let them get to me too much."

"I know, but it kills me to see them treat you like that. And, Iknow there are times that it really does get to you. I can see it in youreyes how hurt you are sometimes."

She's right. As much as I put up a brave front sometimes it justgets to be too much when you are constantly getting barraged by the likesof Claudia. "I know. Thanks for sticking up for me. I guess I've gottenso used to it that I don't even feel like responding anymore."

She grabs my hand and says, "Come on. Let's get to Art classbefore the bell rings."

"Ok," I reply. Gawd, she's so awesome. Why can't I love her? Whydid this happen to me? Why? No matter how hard I try I can't force myselfto feel what I used to feel for her. Something in me has changed and Ican't go back. Yet, she deserves much better than this - so much betterthan me. I can't stand the thought of hurting her like that. Aside fromCal she's the only other person who's given a damn. I give a heavy sighthat catches Anna's attention. She gives me this questioning look and Ijust shrug it off as nothing. Whew! For a second I thought she had beenreading my mind. I guess the other set of problems I traded in for arestarting to settle in and make themselves at home in my head. Shit, Iwonder what else is in store.

The rest of the day passes pretty much like all the others - namecalling and the like. The only thing keeping me going is my swim 'date'with Cal later this afternoon.

-1995-

I'd had a good time chatting with Robert tonight after he finallydecided to drop the personal inquisition. After a while, I struck out onmy own and started cruising the place and came across some really cuteguys. They looked like they had been enjoying a great Friday night outafter a long workweek. There was this one guy who seemed like he wasinterested in me. He was tall (about 6 foot), had blue eyes, blonde hair,was dressed sharp like he was a banker or something. You know the type: afrat boy who had done well for himself after graduating from college.There was something about him that made me want to take a chance and meethim. Maybe Robert was right. I just had to give people a chance.

We kept looking at each other and smiling as we kept 'running' intoeach other as he walked around the bar with his friends and I did the samealone. I kept trying to get the courage to say something each time webumped into each other, but I'd freeze at the last second and keep onwalking. We did this dance for about an hour till I lost sight of him. Istarted walking out of the place to head home thinking that I had lost mychance when I felt someone lightly tap my shoulder. I turned around andthere he was.

"Hi," he said smiling.

"Hi," I said shoving my hands into my jacket and looking aroundnervously.

"My name is Stan. How are you doing?" he asked.

"I'm Car...Carlos," I said stumbling on my words. "I'm doing good.Um, yourself?"

"Good. Good. So, listen what are you doing? Heading homealready?"

"Um, yeah," I say looking at him and smiling nervously. "I have toget some stuff done early tomorrow morning and I'd thought I'd get a good'snight rest."

He suddenly reached out and touched my face and said, "You know,you're so cute."

I blushed furiously and said thanks.

"Are you sure you need to go home already?" he asked.

"Well, uh no, not rea..." I said before he cut me off.

"Cause I think I could have a good time getting to know you," hesaid pulling me closer to him. His face was just inches away from mine.

I was beginning to feel heady. Wow! Robert was right. You justhave to give people a chance. "Really," I say grinning down to my shoeswith embarrassment.

"Yeah, really. As a matter of fact I think my friends would alsohave a good time getting to know you too," he added.

"Oh yeah? Are y'all going somewhere in particular after you leavehere," I said thinking they were going to an all night coffee shop orsomething like that. "I can meet y'all there."

He got a confused look on his face. "Uh, no. We're thinking wecould get a hotel room near here or if you have a place that's cool, wecould go there."

The color drained from my face as I stared back at him."Wh... what do you mean?"

He rolled his eyes and sighed. "You know what I mean. Where doyou usually do it? Your place or a hotel?"

I froze and my heart felt like it's stopped beating. "Huh?" is allI can manage to say while still being held in his grip.

"What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you deaf?" he said gettingagitated. His face had lost the smile and his hand started to squeeze myarm harder. I guess he figured that I wasn't following his train ofthought because he added that he and his friends wanted to know, "... howmuch it will cost for all of us to get to use your ass tonight."

I looked over shoulder and saw 4 other guys looking at us withlecherous grins on their faces. As I looked closer I realized that one ofthose guys was actually the guy from the other night, the one with thedirty cock. Fuck! Oh shit!

"Hello! Are you in there?" Stan said while waving his hand infront of my face mockingly. He then let go of me giving up and walked backto his friends. "Fuck it guys. This whore isn't worth it. He seems alittle too slow for my tastes. I wouldn't want to sit there and remind himthat he actually has to suck my dick because I'm paying him for it."

The other guys laughed and that old fuck from the other night justshook his head disapprovingly at me. "You made a liar out of me tonight,faggot boy. I told everyone how good you were and here you are standinglike some dope shit. Wait till Harold hears about this."

I just keep standing there while it felt like the floor was justfalling away. I couldn't move. It was like living high school all overagain except that this time there were no big brown eyes to turn to. Ifinally managed to get my legs moving and out the door. I could hear theguys laughing at me in my head all the way down the street.

That was two hours ago. Now I'm just sitting here at home with myhand wrapped in bandages and ice. It was sore from punching the brick wallof my building. I'm so fucking humiliated and angry. Why did I lower mydefenses?

"You see, Robert. This is what happens when I let those shieldsdown," I say no one.

Sitting here on the floor with my bloody fist and shirt I stare atnothing. My gaze then finds my bookshelf where I keep my yearbooks fromhigh school. I know better than to go get them, but I get up anyway. Iflip through the senior yearbook and find the picture I'm looking for. Itrace the face on the page and ask, "Where are you now?"

I repeat the question over and over each time getting louder. Myyells turn into sobs till I can't see anymore. I sink back to the floorexhausted and fall asleep.