"Take your clothes off and put them on the chair."

I do is as he asks and strip down to nothing and neatly fold my clothes on the chair.

"Mmmmm, just like Harold said. You do have a nice body. You must spend a lot of time at the gym to get such a great physique."

I stand there while the man admires my naked form. I'm used tothis since most of Harold's clients don't get the chance to see guys likeme naked in the flesh on a regular basis. Well, unless of course they areone of Harold's more regular clients. Then they get to see me and myfellow 'co-workers' as often as they care to pay for it.

"Are you going to do whatever I ask? You're not going todisappoint me are you?" he leers while sitting behind his desk. I can hearthe zipper on his trousers and realize that he's fishing his cock out. "Ihope Harold made it very clear what you're expected to do."

Not moving or looking directly at him I just nod to let him knowthat I understand.

"Good. So tell me. How old are you?"

"I'm twenty-five," I reply looking directly above his head and notat his face. I can't really tell what he looks like since his office wasbarely lit by the streetlights filtering in through his office window.

"Look at me when I talk to you, boy," he says as he flips on thedesk lamp.

I relent and look right at him and see that he's a man of about 50with gray hair and a thick mustache over his upper lip. The mustache andcrinkles on his face throw long evil shadows across his eyes and forehead.He's typical of the men I have to service for Harold: arrogant sons ofbitches with too much money.

"That's better. So how is it that you don't have a boyfriend?With a body like yours I'm sure you'd have no problems finding one. Orwait a minute. Do you have one and he doesn't know what you do?" he smileswhile interlacing his hands across his chest.

"No, I don't have a boyfriend," I respond with no feeling.

"Don't look away from me, boy. You look me at me when I talk toyou," he said getting a little angry when I looked away for an instant."What? You a straight boy or something?"

"No, I'm not straight"

"Mmmmm a pretty hot faggot boy I've got on my hands. And one withno boyfriend. So much the better for me." He pushes his chair back fromdesk and I see that his cock is rock hard and uncut. "Come here, faggot,and kneel in front of me. You're gonna lick this cock of mine for awhile."

I walk over to him and kneel on the linoleum floor. Then heunceremoniously grabs my hair forces my mouth on his cock. Instantly I cantell he's not clean under his foreskin. The stench and taste makes thatobvious.

"Mmmmm...look at me with this big beefy faggot boy sucking my dirtyole cock. That's it lick under the hood and get that cheese out for me.Ugh, yeah!" he grumbles under his breath. "Faggot boy's not even puttingup a fight. Just the way I like it."

It's pretty gross the way his cock is unclean. I may be strongenough to take on this man if he got out of hand, but that's not gonna mepaid. Besides, I gave up fighting a long time ago. I've been used to thisfor so long. I just tune the whole scene out and do what I always do whentaking care of business. I think of looking into someone else eyes.Someone who used to make me feel safe back when I was nowhere as attractiveand built as I am now. At times like this when I'm forced to do things formoney I think about Cal and ask myself, "Where are you now?"

- 1987 -

I had just dropped my girlfriend, Anna, after a church dance. Ourfriends and I had gone to the St. Augustine church youth dance and had hada really good time. I got to dance with my friends and Anna as well, butthere was something wrong. I wasn't feeling it anymore. I would hold Annaand that connection, that current of electricity that tells you that youhave connected with someone special was gone. Actually it had been gonefor quite a long while - almost 3 months. Of course I thought that thatwas normal for people in relationships and seeing as this was my firstrelationship with another person, I thought I was just learning throughexperience that emotional feelings for someone else naturally ebbed andintensified on their own. That explanation worked for a while, but aftersome time I knew there was something more serious at play here.

Let me tell you about Anna, she is a beautiful 17-year-old girlwith long silky black hair, deep brown eyes, and with an exotic olivecomplexion. She is one of the prettiest girls in my high school. It's awonder why she even was with me in the first place. Before going out withme she had been dating a college guy who was a lifeguard. I had known hersince junior high but didn't really get to know her until freshman year inhigh school. Since that time we became the best of friends and we sharedeverything with each other and supported each other no matter what. So Iguess it was a natural conclusion for our friendship to develop intosomething romantic.

But, like I said, most people would have wondered what such agorgeous girl was doing with a guy like me. I am 5'7" tall with unruly,coarse black hair, a very skinny frame, and a pimply complexion. I'm alsonot the most popular guy in school. I'd get picked on tons by even thefreshman football players on the junior varsity team. Anna didn't seem tomind and for a while her love and support did wonders for me. Don't get mewrong. I'm not someone weak. I know when to keep quiet and when I'm inover my head. But, I have a strong personality tempered from the abuse Ihad to deal with.

Anyway, so here I am in my car driving home after dropping her offat her place and I'm struggling to find that spark of electricity that letsme know I'm still connected to her. And I just can't find it. Somewherealong the way it burned out. No, I think it was put it out by someone elseand replaced with something not just a spark, but a roaring fire of desirefor someone else.

As I'm driving along I'm fighting to put out that fire. I knowwhat I am feeling is wrong. I know if I give in and give up fighting thatit will consume me forever. There'll be no turning back. But, I have beenfighting this for so long and I'm tired. My love for Anna helped for awhile, but it is no match for the love I have for him - Calvin, my bestfriend.

Cal, as his close friends call him, has been my best friend sincesophomore year. That was one of the toughest years in my life. I hadbecome an outcast of the Gifted and talented students by snitching on oneof my other classmates, Claudia, for cheating on a test. The problem wasthat when I went to snitch on Claudia, who also happened to be the mostpopular girl in our entire high school class, one of her toadies happenedto overhear. By the end of the day my prospects for a peaceful and funyear were gone. I'd endured so much ridicule, taunts, and pranks that Ihad become a very guarded individual since. There was one time when theclass started to chant "nerd" at me while the teacher was at the office.Everyone chimed in except Cal. Anna wasn't there since she was not a partof the G/T program. The G/T students took every class together which madean extra special hell for me the rest of high school.

My reputation never recovered but it did help forge a strong bondto Cal. Anytime that I am the victim of some other prank or joke all Ihave to do is look at him and I tune everything out. I look at his eyesand there I find something like a warm blanket that falls around my heartto shield me from everyone else. When we're not at school we do everythingtogether. He taught me how to swim since he has a really neat enclosedswimming pool in his back yard. Now, we've even gone out on double dateswith our girlfriends to the movies or to the lake.

Let me tell you a little about Cal and what he looks like. He'sway taller than me at 5'11" has light brown hair that he wears a littlelong, and is a bit more built than I am. He wasn't popular like Claudiawas back in the sophomore year, but since and on into our senior year hisstock has risen. He now goes to the cool parties on weekends and getsasked to sit with the in crowd during lunch. And even though I'mpersona-non-grata he still makes the time to be with me.

Lately we've been spending more and more time with each other aloneat his house. In his room we sit and talk and talk for hours about whatare plans for college are, what we want to do during the summer betweenhigh school and freshman year of college, and just but anything else. Henever tires of being with me. One particular time while studying for apre-calculus test I had fallen asleep on the floor while propped up againsthis bed. When I woke up he was asleep next to me and I found that he'sremoved my book, shoes, and glasses and laid me out on the floor with apillow and sheet. If I have to go back and pick a time when my desire andpassion for him began to burn it was that time when I woke up next to him.

So here I am driving home and as much as I care for Anna I careeven more for Cal. I'm crying because I know I'm about to give in. It'sbeen too much. And as I turn down the street to my house, I finally breakdown and say, "I love him." I'd never said it before, not even to myself.The funny thing is that now that I've admitted it, it's not as bad as Ithought it was going to be. I'm still alive and strangely a bit calmer. Ithink it's from the fact that I've traded in one set of problems andworries in for another. The other set of problems hasn't had time tosettle in yet and torture me. Instead of fighting my feelings for him,I'll be dealing with these feelings head on and the implications they havefor me, for him and for Anna.

I get home around 11:30pm and go to my room and call Cal to tellhim I'm home. He'd asked me to call him when I got in and let him know howit went. He knows that I'm not that great at social situations and wasinterested to hear how I made out tonight. "Hey, I made it back," I said.

"Cool, how was the dance?" he says with a slightly sleep and huskyvoice of being just woken up.

"Um, it was fine,' I say not really knowing what to say. I graspthe phone a little tighter and I start to sweat.

"Just fine? Did you at least have a good time?" he respondssensing something's wrong.

"Uh, yeah, I did. Anna and I danced some and we managed to get theDJ to play some of our favorite songs," I said a bit quickly.

Cal stays quiet for a second and I just know he's reading my mind.I should tell you that among other things I'm a bit paranoid. "Carlos, areyou sure you're alright? You seem like your not yourself."

I pause and say, "Look, I'm just tired from the dance and having todrive the rest of the gang all over the place." I then add with someanger, " I guess I should be glad I have some friends who I can drivearound and do stuff with. It's not like I have many other friendsclamoring at my door for attention. Claudia and company took care of thattwo years ago."

He sighs because he knows how much I've had to deal with because ofthat clique. "Carlos, you're gonna have to let it go someday. You can'trun around with this resentment forever. It's going to eat you alive."

"How am I supposed to get over it?!" I scream back into the phone."Everyday, it's the same old shit, 'Oh, look, there's that nerd snitch.Did you hear that the reason he's so thin is that he's got worms? Oh,really? Yeah, just like a dog.'" I repeat what I had just had to listen totoday. "You've got it made. Hell, you're one of them now!"

"Carlos, I'm not one of them. What's going on with you tonight? Iwas hoping you'd have a good time. Why are you focusing on those otherjerks? Don't let them bring you down."

I sat on the floor of my room with the phone in my hand andwondered why I was even thinking about them. "I don't know. Look, I'mjust really tired and worn out. I know that most of the time I can keepClaudia and the rest of the G/T class from getting to me, but sometimesit's too much."

"Ok, I understand, but why let them ruin your night with Anna andyour real friends?" he says.

Hearing him say that makes me stop and think about how he's nowhanging with them and still talking with me. Maybe, he's really switchedsides and as spying on me for them and waiting for the perfect bit ofpersonal information to ruin me. (I told you I am paranoid.)

"Are you a real friend?" I ask still on the floor of my room. Irealize here's a chance to find out how he really feels about me. We'venever talked about our friendship and what it means to us.

"What do you mean?" he asks.

"You say that Anna and my other friends are my real friends. Areyou saying that you're aren't my friend? Or are you starting to think likethe rest of the G/T class?" I say.

"Of course I'm your friend! Jeez, where'd you get the idea thatI'm not?" he replies somewhat exasperated.

"It's just the way you said it. I also wonder how you can keepbeing friends with me and still hang out with them. You know how they hateme."

"I don't let them choose who I talk with and whom my friends are.I can decide for myself," he says.

I'm a little relieved but I decide to push further. "But why doyou hang out with me? What do I have to offer that you can't get fromthem?"

"I'm not going to let you go just because they are too petty to andimmature. You're someone I care about. I'm not going to let them bully meinto letting you go. They know not to push it when it comes to you.They've accepted that."

Shit, did he just say that he cared? I feel like have been kickedin the stomach by just hearing him say that. "You... you...c...care aboutme?" I whisper into the phone.

"Yes, I do. And not all of them hate you. It's only Claudia and afew others who just don't know when to quit. That whole incident with thetest was over 2 years ago."

I was still stuck on the fact that he said he cared about me.Considering what I had just gone through on my drive home and then nowhearing this I was left stupefied. Could it be that there's a chance hemight love me as much as I love him and that he's been fighting it as muchas I have?

"You... you care?" I stammer again not really believing what I washearing.

"Carlos what's wrong? You're beginning to worry me. You're notacting like yourself."

"I'm sorry it's just weird hearing you say that you care about mewhen I have been having a hard time these past few years thinking thatanyone cared, even you. Sometimes I don't think anyone except for maybeAnna gives a shit about me. And even with Anna I sometimes think thatshe's with me only because she feels sorry for me."

"Come on, stop it. You're..." he begins to reply.

"No, listen to me. How can you expect me to believe for a secondthat anyone gives a shit when every fucking day I get blasted? And then Isee you running around with them on the weekends and during lunch periodand I just think that sometimes I'm going to lose you to them. What am Isupposed to think? Now here you are telling me that you care. I guess I'mjust confused."

"Don't be. Remember that no matter what I'll always care aboutyou."

"Then, can I ask you why you even hang out with them?"

"Look, there's nothing to that. I just like doing some things thatthey like to do. I'm not trying to ditch you but at the same time I wantyou to be able to have friends apart from me. I don't want to keep youfrom meeting new people."

My head started to spin as it sank in that Cal really cares aboutme. I had no idea. I guess all you have to do is just ask sometimes andyou'll get an answer.

"But you're not keeping me from meeting new people. It's somethingI have to take care of on my own. I appreciate what are you trying to do,though. And I know that you and I have hung out in the past and I don'twant to wear out my welcome."

"You're not," he says. "I didn't realize how much my associationwith them was going to affect you this bad. But trust me. It's not as badas you think. Like I said, it's only a few people and the rest are justwimps when it comes to standing up to them."

"If you say so."

"Listen, I'm going to get to bed. I have to get up early to go tochurch tomorrow with my parents."

"Fine," I say while I'm now completely floored at his revelations."Thanks again for everything...and...and for...caring."

"No problem, bud. Goodnight."

"Goodnight."

I hang up and sit there for about an hour while listening to someStevie Nicks. Her music is about the only music that I really get into.Her lyrics hit home and especially after tonight.

Well he may not have gone as far as I had tonight in admitting thathe loved me, but at least he gave me hope in telling me that he cares. It'sstart, right?

- 1995 -

I securely tuck my share of the money in my jacket. I can stilltaste the man's filth in my mouth and try not to think too much about whathe made me do. I focus on the fact that I have to go to the night drop ofthe bank and deposit Harold's take of the money. That's the standardprocedure after going out on a job.

It's cold and starting to rain. Since I don't have a car I beginto walk quicker down the sidewalk towards the bank. I mechanically makethe deposit and as I leave the enclosed alcove I catch a glimpse of myselfand wonder if I were to see him again if those brown eyes of his can makeme feel safe again.