And God made two great lights; the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night: he made the stars also. And the evening and the morning were the fourth day.

And the evening and the morning were the fourth day and when Jesus Christ awoke, he asked for OJ.

"OJ? I thought you only drank beer."

"I drink everything, "Jesus Christ said, "but this morning I'd like a tall glass of OJ."

"I'm afraid I'm all out, would coffee do in a pinch?"

Jesus Christ touched the coffee pot and turned it into orange juice.

"You like turning things into potables," I said. "Was the miracle at Cana the first time you changed water into wine?"

"Oh no." Jesus Christ said. "The first time right after the flood. As soon as the waters receded from Mount Ararat, I turned the water into a lush green mountain top flowing with milk and honey-and salivated while watching the grapes grow, but before they ripened, I just said, 'oh what the hell, why wait, when I can turn all the rest of the flood water into wine!' Noah and his boys and I had a happy hundred years after that, let me tell you."

"I thought you did that for Moses, as well."

"I did it for all of them." Jesus Christ had a twinkle in his eye. "I'm very fond of honey, you know, and there's nothing like the taste of fermented honey-the ancient Celts, whom I hung with for a few hundred years, called it mead. And, in a sense, I guess, I'm like the drone flying around the garden, gathering the best nectar I can find." Christ smiled, smirking at me, kissed me passionately and said, "Your honey is way sweeter-give me a taste."

He was on his knees quicker than I could think-now appearing to be the hottest sexiest Brazilian man I had ever seen-with shaggy brown hair, hazel eyes, gorgeous male tits and a small dick-very small-maybe four inches and I wondered why until I realized mine was six and he wanted to be smaller than me-such a sweet God, I thought, so caring. I wonder how many men he's fucked throughout the millennia and how many have fucked him.

"Scot, you do remember that I can hear everything you think. So in your answer to your question-you are the first to fuck me-I was waiting for the most glorious opening of my golden gate and you opened it magnificently and continue to expand my horizons every hour of every day-I know you don't physically fuck me that often but my eternal mind works differently from yours-and you Scot Walker, are the most amazing fucker I could ever have wanted and when you finish I will fuck you!" He kissed me from forehead to cheeks to lips to neck to shoulders to tits to tummy to my balls and then back to my cock head-planting a dozen kisses there as he rubbed my chest and worked down my legs kissing, kissing, like a man on fire until he reached my toes which he sucked like tiny sweet popsicles. And when I gigged he said, "Ok, my turn," and he flipped me over and shoved his dick all the way-yes it was only inches, but his dick felt as if the heavens had entered my soul.

The sex continued until just after lunch when Jesus asked me the strangest question I had ever heard: "What caused all that slavery shit, by the way."

"Slavery? I don't follow."

Jesus Christ flipped through his personal copy of the King James Bible-the one that had his initials on the front red cover: JC.

"Why is your Bible red like mine?" Jesus asked.

Together we answered simultaneously and laughed "All Bibles must be read."

Here, read this, just said as he opened his Bible and i started reading from Genesis Chapter 9, where Jesus Christ was pointing: "And the sons of Noah, that went forth out of the ark, were Shem, and Ham, and Japheth: and Ham is the father of Canaan. These are the three sons of Noah: and of them was the whole earth overspread. And Noah began to be a husbandman, and he planted a vineyard: and he drank wine and was drunk; and he was uncovered within his tent. And Ham, the father of Canaan, saw the nakedness of his father, and laughingly told his two brothers. And Shem and Japheth took a garment and laid it upon their shoulders, and went backward, and covered the nakedness of their father; and their faces were backward, and they saw not their father's nakedness. And Noah awoke from his wine and knew what his younger son had done unto him. And he said, Cursed be Canaan; a servant of servants shall he be unto his brethren. And he said that his other two sons should be blessed be the Lord God of Shem; and Canaan shall be his servant. God shall enlarge Japheth, and he shall dwell in the tents of Shem; and Canaan shall be his servant.'"

I pondered for a long moment and said, "I have no clue as to how this is related to slavery."

"Ham was cursed: he was dyed ebony and his son Canaan was as black as pitch, or so the Southern Baptist preachers God did that as a punishment, a curse to show the inferiority of black people."

"You're putting me on, right?"

"Me, Myself and I never put anyone on!" The garden window in my kitchen rattled and I thought the Hong Kong China tea set was going to fall to the floor and break into a thousand pieces.

"I'm sorry," I said, 'it's just that this is so new to me. Who said Ham was black, that he was turned into a slave to serve the white race?"

"The Baptist Church said that back in 1845-way before your American Civil War. That's why the churches split. Haven't you heard of the Southern Baptists?"

"That's when I left the States and hired on as a stevedore on a ship sailing to the Caribbean."

"Ah! So that's how you ended up in Bimini!"

"Exact-a-mondo. And their first stop was so pristine, so devoid of human life and human nonsense, that I settled in, living on coconut milk (turned to beer of course), fish, and bananas." Jesus Christ smiled broadly. "Actually, it was the bananas that kept me there for so many centuries. They reminded me a lot of John, Luke and Judas. Their cocks were so thick and plump and utterly juicy."

"I see, but I'm still lost. What did Ham and Noah and bananas have to do with you moving south?"

"The year was 1845, that's when the Southern Baptists broke away from their faith and set up their own doxology. 'Praise Me from whom all white people rule,' yadda yadda and shit like that."

I stared at Jesus Christ with a look of utter bewilderment.

"It was the Right Reverend Billy B. Abel, who was the leader of the pack. He believed women should be relegated to the kitchen or barefoot in winter, and that all of God's holy gay children can be cured."

"Don't make me go there. Can you imagine Me Myself and I curing human sexuality? Maybe the issue is more like curing the world of heterosexuality-if one can be 'cured' so can the other."

Jesus laid his hands on the kitchen table. "Heal," he screamed. "Heal in the name of Me, Myself and I. I have cured you of your heterosexuality. Hallelujah." When Jesus Christ removed his hands the yellow Formica table had been converted into a round maple table, shiny, new and whole. "See how easy it is." Jesus Christ said. "One simple incantation and all life is different-all the world is healed."

"I just wish it had been so freaking easy with your cults, your Southern Baptists, your Mormons, your cults-they all lost sight of what I died for, what I stood for. 'We're the leaders of the free world,' they said. 'We're white so we're right and you're Negro, so you're wrong. You are totally and forever enslaved because you bear the curse of Ham. God cursed you and, by God we will abuse you. Look, it's right here in Genesis chapter nine!"

Jesus wept.

"I cannot tell you how many times those same pious white bastards raped my beautiful black daughters, and my black sons, for that matter. How those white Baptist bred and beat my black children into becoming indolent worthless pieces of shit-good for nothing more than growing foot long penises and robbing 7-11 stores."

I looked at Jesus Christ's smiling face and we both laughed at the same time.

"You didn't start putting me on until you said, 'They were good for nothing more than growing foot long penises and robbing 7-11 stores.' You're a hoot," I said.

"I know" Jesus Christ said, but even the Southern Baptist need a little levity from time to time and who else can give it better than me." The kitchen table levitated a foot or so off the floor. "I lost so many of the old-time powers when I became human," Jesus Christ said as he wiped the tears of laughter from his face. "Somehow freedom, honestly, human rights all got dumped in your collective laps. Somehow Dad, the Spook and I got whisked away from you all-and our power and our love dissipated the moment I died on that freaking cross."

"You lost me," I said.

"Once you're human, your godly powers disappear."

"I thought God was always God."

"Each human has his own visions of God. You guys have spent the past five millennia telling Pop how to act, telling me about the loincloth I wore on the cross, even telling each other that the Spook just suddenly appeared out of thin air."

"Without your stories, we would cease to exist. We are nothing more than who you tell us to be."

"And then there's the over-usage of my name-remember in the future when you use the words 'to be' because my name is I AM."

"If I had a nickel for every time a human prayed in My name or told me how I felt or what I was going to do, I'd be a nickelodeon!"

"I know the feeling," I said. "Remember I am an atheist-I can't tell you how many times my friends have asked me to pray for them; it's so inane that I just agree-it saves me the frustrating of telling them there is no god."

"Actually, there are fourteen million of us-probably a few more now that I've been away from LaLa Land for so long-but the reason I found you in that alley was because you're the only human being I've ever met who gets it: the gods are mere projections of the mind of man-once you die out, and you will soon-we will all flit off to the great beyond . . . wherever in the hell that is."

"I thought I found you," I said.

"Right." Jesus hugged me gently around the shoulders, and kissed me on the check, moving slowly around to my lips, French kissing me in the glorious sunshine of my halo-filled kitchen.

"I find those whom I find," Jesus Christ said. "Remember I am that I am. You are . . . well, we'll have to get into that sometime in the future. Right now, I have better things to do starting with this."

Jesus Christ tongue kissed me for over an hour, "You're sweeter than Bart, did I ever tell you that? And much more handsome than Thad or Judas. And more natural than any of them: they all had to follow me, but you don't! You're different. It's like I was a magnet to the rest, and I just wanted to repel them."

"You, on the other hand, draw me unto you."

"In fact, I repulsed you when we first met-my looks, my stench, my breath."

"That's not-"

"Don't lie to the Son of God!" Jesus Christ said. "That's what I loved about you from the get go. You picked me up. You carried me into your home. You loved me because . . ?"

"Because?"

"Because of the wonderful things I do," Jesus Christ sang, as if he were Dorothy, the Tin Man, the Scarecrow and the Cowardly lion all rolled up into one.

I laughed and gently pushed him away. "I thought you were always honest," I said

"I am. You are the power in this room. You and others like you."

"You didn't know that?"

"You didn't know that you and everyone who wants to change this world has the power do to it?"

"You're sounding like Nobel Prize winning Al Gore. Stop it."

Jesus laughed. And I wept now. Not tears of sadness but tears of joy.

"It's the Honest to Me truth," Jesus Christ said as he stumbled back into the kitchen and sat down across from me. NEXT!"

I laughed so hard I pissed my pants. "Let me change," I said. "Do you have enough beer to keep you going until I get back?"

"Maybe," Jesus Christ said. "Depends on how long it takes you . . . and what you change into?"

"Fresh underpants," I said.

"Oh," Jesus Christ belched. "I was hoping you'd change into an aardvark."

I laughed so hard that I pissed the floor. "Let me get a mop."

"Not necessary. Not necessary at all," Jesus Christ said, "Look."

The water on the floor had already turned to beer.

"What a waste," I said.

"Waste not, want not," Jesus Christ said as he knelt, doglike, ass high up in the air, lapping up the beer.

"I'll be back in a minute, if I can still find the bathroom," I said.

"You were going to change," Jesus Christ said. "I think it's a little too late for you to go to the bathroom."

I was all peed out and he was right-tossing the clothes into the laundry would make a hell of a lot more sense. I wrestled off my wet clothes and tossed them into the bin.

"I'll make a nudist out of you yet," Jesus Christ said as I stumbled from foot to foot trying to dig off my soggy wet boxers.

For some reason, my eyes weren't able to open fully and as I tried to un-squint them, I noticed that Jesus Christ was still sitting strip stark naked and lapping up the beer doggy style, his long tongue protruding in and out of his mouth, and his schlong stretching so far across the room that it kept bouncing against my naked toes.

"I hope you're not in heat," Jesus said. "I've been insatiable since Matt and Thad and Luke and I spent a few glorious moments in the Garden of Gethsemane-" Jesus paused, "I don't count those Romans, though. Dirty little buggers, those Romans," Jesus Christ stood up in full Roman soldier garb: beaten metal helmet, breastplate, shield, and a sword almost as big as his schlong. Under all the armor, he wore a flaming red tunic.

"I love the word flaming and I bet the Romans were the first to give the word its double meaning," Jesus said as he demonstrated, "Up comes the tunic, out comes the cock, in goes the meat, out goes the meat, down comes the tunic. Smile across the face. 'Who, me captain? No. I've just been standing here admiring the little fellow. My tunic's a little stained, yes sir, but I'll take care of that right away sir. NEXT'." Jesus Christ laughed. "Do you have any idea how many soldiers made up the Praetorian Guard?"

"One hundred tunics!"

"With a schlong like yours, I'm surprised you're not a top."

"Before you, there was only one-actually a trial with King Edward the Third, do you remember him?"

"Wasn't he the British king impaled by a red hot poker?"

"Yours truly," Jesus Christ said as we both laughed.

"So I was really the first who fucked you?"

"Yes, yes, yes and yes - how many times has it been so far-and are up for it again now?"

I backed out of the room, noticing that Jesus Christ was naked again, and already stumbling toward the window seat.

"Enjoy the view."

"I already have," Jesus Christ said.

"I mean of the island behind my house-the woods, the birds, the fox den-not my ass."

"Don't get flippant."

"Don't shoot any more bolts of my lightning my way, then."

Jesus Christ looked at me with his big browns. "I'd never hurt you," Jesus Christ said. "I love you . . . but better than that, you keep me flowing in beer."

"I'll only be a moment," I iterated as I headed out of the room. Perhaps Jesus Christ is right after all. Being naked and drinking beer twenty-four seven might be the way to go. Nah. I have to write his memoirs sooner or later. I can't be completely naked, where will I keep my pencils.

"Up your-"

"Don't go there!"

I laughed and from the kitchen I heard the mellow, magnificent laugher of Jesus Christ Grand Canyoning back at me.

"Bring a pencil and a notebook," Jesus Christ yelled. You can keep them on the table-unless you want me to create some pockets for you."

"I'm not a kangaroo," I said, as I kicked off my piss-stained clothes and hopped into the shower.

A couple gallons later, when I returned, I lingered a moment in the doorway, relishing the view of Jesus Christ in his PJs before I knelt and pulled them down with my teeth and went down, down, down on the living savior of the universe.

And the evening and the morning were the fourth day.


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