I came in for the afternoon meal, and standing next to Medicine Woman, I could see the top of her head. When I came, we saw each other eye to eye.

"You Tall Willow," Medicine Woman named me.

It was an honor to finally have my Pawnee name. There was no one better to name you than Medicine Woman. She nursed my broke leg. She watched my hair grow, and she helped me turn my skin brown.

Now, she gave me my name, "Tall Willow."

"Good name," Lit'l Fox said, coming in right behind me. "You Tall Willow."

"Tall Willow," Dark Horse said in one of his few speeches.

His words indicated he approved of my Indian name. I still did not know the great man who sat silent in the lodge most of the time.

Now, I was truly Pawnee. I couldn't wait for everyone to learn my name.

A few minutes later Running Horse came in for the afternoon meal.

"Meet Tall Willow," Lit'l Fox said. "Tall Willow, meet Running Horse."

"You Tall Willow. Name suits you. Tall Willow with fine yellow hair. Almost as tall as Running Horse. Tall Willow."

My fresh introduction to Running Horse warmed my innards. He was as golden and beautiful as ever.

My heart skipped a beat when he said, "Tall Willow."

It wasn't so much a name as an oath the way he said it.

His dark eyes stayed on me as he held my hand as if we might shake on it.

"I'm as tall as you," I complained, standing on my tip toes as we stood back to back to be measured.

Medicine Woman laughed when she looked down to see me on tiptoes.

"Stand flat on floor. You not tall as Running Horse, Tall Willow. You will grow taller, but not as tall as Running Horse."

"No, but I'm getting close," I said. "I want to be just like Running Horse."

Lit'l Fox and I laughed.

Running Horse didn't even smile. He looked into my face to see what he could see. He never said what he was looking for when he watched me.

I wasn't as tall or as robust as Running Horse. He was built bigger and stronger than me, but I was close to his size, and he was three years older. I was bound to grow as big as he was now. He was nearly full grown at nineteen.

"Tall Willow get griz," Lit'l Fox said, surprising both Running Horse and me.

"No get griz. Running Horse no get griz. Leave griz alone."

"Get Griz," Lit'l Fox said. "Tall Willow have big medicine."

He lifted the buffalo robe where we slept. He put his finger through the hole the bullet made in the bearskin we slept upon.

"I wondered where my bearskin went," I objected.

I didn't know we were sleeping on the bearskin from my griz.

I had planned to take the bearskin, bear included, to the cabin in the valley where the river runs, but I ended up sleeping on it. Life was weird that way.

"That's my bearskin," I claimed, not having much sense of it being mine.

"You skin and butcher bear? Lit'l Fox brought bear skin to lodge. White boy have broke leg. No clean and get skin from bear. Lit'l Fox do that. If left to you, bearskin still on mountain."

He called me White Boy. That hurt. The bearskin wasn't a factor, once he called me white. My eyes burned while I looked at the boy who saved my life. Did he still think of me as a white boy?

He didn't see me as being Pawnee. I was Pawnee. I needed him to accept me as Pawnee. I couldn't even say the words, "I am Pawnee."

"You're right. I couldn't have gotten it home. It's yours, Lit'l Fox. I have no claim to the bearskin or the Hawkin. They are yours now."

"Joke with Tall Willow. It your kill. It your skin. You Pawnee now. Bad joke Lit'l Fox tell on you. Bad joke. I'm sorry."

"Makes a nice bed," I said, not sure of the apology. I wanted no hard feelings with the boy who saved my life. He took me to where I could be Pawnee.

Running Horse stood to look at the Hawkin. He came back to see where the hole was in the bear skin.

"Tall Willow great hunter. Running Horse no get griz. Running Horse not want to hunt grizzly bear. He leave Running Horse alone. I leave bear alone."

I laughed.

Being called a great hunter by the boy I admired was great.

Dark Horse grumbled at the idea I was a great anything. Being a great warrior, he had every right to be critical of those of us who would follow in the large footsteps he left behind him. He had been there. He had done it all, and he and his brother, Lone Wolf, were great Pawnee warriors with tall tales to tell.

We all laughed.

It was a fine joke, and hunting was an art we would all excel in as the time came to supply the village with meat. We hoped for a good hunt in the autumn, but if it turned into an exceptionally good hunt, we wouldn't mind that so much. Providing much meat for our village was what we all wanted.

Other boys are between my age and Running Horse's age. Lit'l Fox is close to Running Horse's age. Those two were most respected. Being with Lil Fox meant I was given respect. Now, if I'm not with Lil Fox, I'm with Running Horse, and the rest of the time, I'm with both of them, because it's where I belong.

Running Horse's hesitancy toward me has disappeared. He seems friendly to me now. At first, I wasn't sure we'd be friends. I would not want Running horse for an enemy. He is the most capable boy. He is smart, strong, fast, and the best hunter in the village. I admire him as much as I admire Lit'l Fox. His friendship is a welcome change. He is no doubt Lil Fox's best friend.

One afternoon, we sat up the creek from where we played. This is where we caught the best fish. I only go there with Lit'l Fox, but Running Horse sometimes came with us to fish. He watched me fish. He watched me swimming in my breach cloth. The other boys stripped out of theirs, leaving them high and dry.

I have a secret I'm trying to keep hidden under my cloth, and I don't take mine off to swim. He fished while I fished. He swam when I swam, and he took off his breach cloth when he swam.

I left mine on. The other boys might have suspected why I did this. Maybe not. I was not so large or small that I was bashful about it. I wasn't bashful at all. If anything, I was far more bold than I had a right to be so early in my life as Pawnee. I was too white to be able to convince anyone I was Pawnee.

Reminding them by exposing my white skin seemed self-defeating. I spent months burning and browning to appear more like the other boys. My hope was that they'd forget I had white skin, and I used my breach cloth to hide it.

Everyone in the village knew I came there with white skin.

Running Horse's dark eyes followed me when I walked into the water. He was looking at the breach cloth. His eyes being on me gave me a sudden chill. Running Horse had always watched me, but this was different. I wasn't sure why.

I'm under no pressure here to be anything but what I am. It seems to be up to me how I wish to be seen. I do not feel out of place. I feel welcome now that the boys laugh and joked with me like I'm one of them. I feel like one of them.

I didn't feel like I belonged at the cabin in the valley where the river runs. I feel as if these people are my people. I learned their ways. They're my ways now. In the morning, when Lit'l Fox and I leave the lodge, Running Horse is already waiting there, sitting beside our lodge. He comes in to eat with us some mornings. When he hasn't come in to join us, he waits outside for us to come out. When we emerged from the lodge, after a meal, we went to find things to do to use up the hours ahead of us.

We were like three Indians ready to play and do the things Indian boys do. I kept a half step behind to be sure I was able to follow them. In that way I didn't get sidetracked. They would decide where we would go and what we'd do once we got there.

Running Horse was the one with a plan of how the day would go. Lit'l Fox and I followed along with the boy who would be chief.

I was happy to be with them. I was never with anyone at home. It had been a lonely place for a boy caught between two worlds, belonging to neither.

There was always the longing to be Pawnee. I didn't know what that meant back at the cabin in the valley where the river runs.

Now, I knew.

I can't say how close Running Horse was to Lit'l Fox before I came, but they are close, and those dark eyes were often on me. I regarded Running Horse as a friend. I'm not sure how he regarded me. I didn't regard the other boys as my friends. We played and laughed together, but I did not know them. They didn't know anything about me. No one asked why I was there or when I might leave.

Everyone knew I got a broke leg and Lit'l Fox brought me home to heal. He was always bringing one animal or another home to nurse back to normal. It was the first time he brought a boy, but I healed and I was still there.

Healing critters and people was the family business. Birds with broken wings always flew away one day. The Fox with the hurt leg, healed and went back to being a fox. The white boy healed and he stayed and stayed and stayed.

Were they waiting for me to fly away? Was I expected to go back to where I came from? Did anyone in the village know who I really was?

The one thing I knew for certain, I had no desire to return to being white.

Because of Running Horse's size and maturity, some play doesn't interest him, but he's always close enough to get a good look at our games. I notice his eyes following me, like you might measure a bird's flight or a rabbit's hop. There are a half dozen and sometimes more boys playing, but his eyes stay on me.

It worries me.

What does he see when he looks at me? Does he look to see any sign of a limp? Is he looking to see where the white skin went? Does he watch me because I really don't belong here? At one time, I thought this, but no more.

Running Horse is warm and friendly to me. I feel like we are friends. Why does he watch me? What does he see?

When Lit'l Fox and I left the group to walk up stream or to go to the lodge, Running Horse left the group and followed us. He was with us. I listen and say little. I'm not comfortable with my doubts about myself. I'm even less comfortable with the identity I am hiding. If I was certain of who I am as Pawnee, I'd speak of it. I'm not ready to reveal my true identity. I think Medicine Woman knows who I am, but like so much, I can't be sure.

I don't know how she knows the things she knows, but she's wise beyond any understanding of wisdom I have. If she knows me, does she know that I know her?

I don't know why I'm afraid, after all this time here. There are truths that I hide. I want to reveal them, but if I'm wrong about my theory. I'll sound like I'm a crazy boy. I don't want to be seen as looney. It could be wishful thinking.

If I sound too crazy, I fear Dark Horse will expel me from his lodge. He is quiet and says little, but his wisdom comes with his age. He hears everything. I dare not speak the truth I believe about who these people are. I'll do nothing to make them think less of me. I do not want anything to change.

Until I'm sure of the truth, I shall not speak it. How can I ever be sure?

When I first came, I was as tall as Medicine Woman. Now, when we stand together, my chin is even with the top of her head. I am, and have been, taller than Lit'l Fox. Running Horse was taller than me when I got here. I see him eye to eye now. I thought I was grown, but I'm still growing.

Running horse was the tallest boy. He was oldest. I calculated him close to twenty. Since Lit'l Fox and him are close, him being with us much of the time seems natural. Coming and going with us was a regular thing. Almost as soon as I was able to leave the lodge, the three of us spent most days together.

Lit'l Fox said, when he saw my eyes on Running Horse, "We are cousins. Dark Horse, brother Lone Wolf, father to Fleet Horse, Running Horse's father."

Lit'l Fox didn't mention Proud Eagle. I was sure Paw fit in there somewhere, if I was right. I'm sure I heard the name Proud Eagle mentioned while I was still in the stupor from the drink Medicine Woman fixed for me. The drink clouded my brain. Even now, I can't be sure of the things that happened, or the order of things, while I was drinking the drink and fighting fever.

Running Horse was my cousin? That was a bit further than I wanted to go. Medicine Woman and Dark Horse were grandparents to Running Horse. That made Lit'l Fox uncle to Running Horse. Lit'l Fox was younger than Running Horse. He said he was Running Horse's cousin. That made more sense. If he was nephew of Fleet Horse, he'd be cousin to Running Horse. Then, Proud Eagle was Fleet Horse's brother, which made Lit'l Fox my brother, Dark Horse my grandfather. Lone Wolf was brother to Dark Horse and my great uncle.

How could this be? How could I even think such thoughts. I wanted so badly to be Pawnee, I made things up in my mind to make myself more Pawnee.

Medicine Woman and Dark Horse were grandparents to all three of us? They raised Lit'l Fox as their own, but what if Paw was father to Lit'l Fox and me. I shook this off as a mixing of meanings for words he spoke in English. He couldn't know that he saved his brother's life on that mountain. He would have said those words if he knew. Maybe he regarded me as a brother in spirit.

I went to the mountain to prove I was a man. My brother found me there and took me home to my father's village. Even I laughed at what couldn't be true.

None of the other boys had any pattern to their names that I noticed. Lit'l Fox wasn't in the same category as Running Horse and Dark Horse. I was told that Fleet Horse was dead. There were no details. If Running Horse was my cousin, and Fleet Horse was his father, Fleet Horse was my father's older brother.

"He dead," Lit'l Fox said. "Fleet Horse dead."

I wanted to ask him about his father, but Dark Horse was his father, and that made everything even more confusing.

I was almost sure I knew how Fleet Horse died. How sure was I? Not sure enough to shoot my mouth off about things I could never be sure about. I did not know how much Medicine Woman and Dark Horse knew.

Did he die beside Paw, after they went after the renegades? Paw was wounded. Fleet Horse was wounded and made it back to the village. That's how they knew what happened when they were ambushed by the renegades.

If I was right, how would Medicine Woman and Dark Horse take my revelation. If they wanted Lit'l Fox to think they were his parents, who was I to tell Lit'l Fox my suspicions. Would that make them liars? Would that change how they saw me? I wasn't going to do anything that changed how they treated me. I did not want to bring trouble into Medicine Woman's lodge.

It wouldn't be appreciated, and if I told what I thought I knew, what came next? Would they toss me out on my ear for telling the truth. Was it the truth or the wishful thinking of a troubled mind.

Medicine Woman treated me no differently than she treated Lit'l Fox. I was some strange white boy her son brought home, how did I deserve the treatment I was given inside her lodge. Did she know that I was her grandson? Had she known all along? If she knew, how did she know? If she knew, Dark Horse knew, and if Dark Horse knew, Chief Lone Wolf knew. None of them questioned me about who I was or where I came from. I told Medicine Woman where I was from. She asked where I was from. I wasn't watching to see if it meant anything to her.

Medicine Woman was kind to everyone. After Chief Lone Wolf, Medicine Woman was the most respected person in the village. She treated me the way she treated everyone. We were all important to her. She treated me like she treated Lit'l Fox. Why was that?

Today Medicine Woman asked us to fish. Running Horse went with us when we left to go up stream to where a bigger creek formed a pond where the two bodies of water met. Running Horse fished with us.

While Running Horse brought in the third fish he caught that morning, he begin to talk.

"How Tall Willow get griz?"

It was a couple of days after I found out where the bear skin got to. Lit'l Fox showed Running Horse the hole in the skin, but besides his surprise, he say little.

The mystery of where the bear skin went was solved. We slept on it.

"I go to mountain to get deer. My camp above Tall Willow's. I smell his fire. See smoke. I go see who is on my mountain. It's Tall Willow. He shoot deer the next day. I hear shot. Go see. He cleaned deer below camp. Not far below, and he hear griz when griz came to eat what left of deer, once he clean and skinned it."

"You saw the bear come to eat my deer?" I asked.

"I see."

"How did you know where I fell?"

"See signs. First bear not dead. Second bear come, you came back after you reload gun. After first bear get up, fall again. You went after first bear, second bear go after you. I find gun. I find first bear, follow second bear tracks. You were closer to cliff. Second bear cut off escape route. When he come for you, you fall. I see where bear stood up. He walk toward cliff. Get down on all fours to go look for mate. He forget about Tall Willow."

"How'd you get down to me from cliff."

"Path beside where second bear found you. Just took path."

"The bear could have taken the path?" I asked, not wanting to know the answer.

"He lose interest in you. Go sit beside dead bear. Left before I come to find where you got to. I follow signs."

"He could have eaten me?" I observed.

"Could. Didn't. I get bear skin, and half the deer you left on the ground where you first shot your bear. I had choice. Carry bear meat and deer meat back to village or only carry a little meat. Save white boy. It not easy to leave bear meat. Lit'l Fox take you home with some meat."

I laughed.

Runing Horse's eyes were on me in a different way this time.

"You kill griz. You big medicine. You great hunter. Me not kill griz. Leave griz alone. Griz leave Running Horse alone."

"I was lucky enough not to get myself eaten. I got a griz out of stupidity, and it was my dumb luck that Lit'l Fox was on that mountain."

"Great spirit have plan for you. He save. You big medicine. Kill griz."

It was nice to hear Running Horse say it, but I was lucky, not good, and I knew that. I was getting better with a bow, and as a hunter, I wanted to be good enough to bring back enough meat to help provide for the village. Being a good hunter gave a warrior status. It made me valuable to my people.

After Lit'l Fox bragged about me killing a griz twice now, he looked at me differently. He worried he might have underestimated me, but the fact he thought about me at all didn't hurt my feelings. He was on my mind as well. I couldn't say why, but he was there more than anyone else, and I liked looking at him.

That's not to say I wouldn't soon disappoint him.

It was the week after Medicine Woman said in her lodge, "You Tall Willow."

Running Horse took fish to lodge. We caught eight and that would feed all of us as well as Lone Wolf. It was Medicine Woman's turn to cook for the chief. His wife had been dead for years, and Chief Lone Wolf no longer cooked.

Since Running Horse lived in his lodge, he made sure meals were delivered to the chief if Running Horse ate with him or not. He usually ate with us. Since he was the village's best hunter, contributing to the feeding of the chief was easy, and we all got plenty to eat as well.

Lit'l Fox and I caught two fish a piece. Running Horse caught four. It didn't matter who caught which fish, as long as there was plenty to eat.

Running Horse knew I killed a bear, and that was on his mind when he came back.

"Lit'l Fox kill bear?" Running Horse asked.

"Lit'l Fox no kill bear. Lit'l Fox at peace. No bother bear. Bear no bother Lit'l Fox. Tall Willow go mountain. Hunt bear. Bear hunt him. He fall. Break leg."

"That how you break leg. Make sense. Two grizzly bears?"

"First bear not die quick. Second bear come. Chase Tall Willow. He fall."

Running Horse had a wide-eyed look again. I don't know what he sees when he looks at me, but he looks at me a lot. Talking about what I did to end up with Lit'l Fox carrying me home with him wasn't a new event. It was three years ago that I left for the mountain to get me a griz. Talking about it didn't interest me.

"I was too stupid to leave bear alone," I said. "No big hunter. Stupid boy."

"Kill bear. Big Medicine to kill grizzly. You big hunter, okay. May be boy, but boy big hunter. Big Medicine."

This got Running Horse's attention back on me, and his eyes stayed on me.

I didn't ask Lit'l Fox why he was talking about the mountain. He said that what happened there should stay there. I knew why. Had something changed?

I was another hurt animal Lit'l Fox brought home. How I got hurt might have been different, but results were the same. He let the other animals go.

Would Lit'l Fox let me go one day?

"You go home now."

Would Tall Willow fail at being Pawnee if he let me go? I was Pawnee. I wanted to yell it.

I kept my mouth shut. Not wanting anything to change.

By this time, I walk without a limp. My right leg got as strong as the left while playing games with the other boys. I didn't test it beyond the games we played, but if Medicine Woman saw the slightest limp, I could expect her to tend to my leg the way she had for so many months. She hardly tended to my leg at all anymore. She watched how I moved, and it was good.

When Running Horse returned from giving the fish to Medicine Woman, he gave me his biggest smile before sitting beside me. He seemed to have resolved whatever ideas that troubled him. I hoped I didn't trouble him.

When he sat down, he put his hand on mine.

We sat side by side. I wasn't tempted to move my hand. I liked the feel of his hand on mine. He smiled at me, and I smiled at him. I could smell his aroma. I felt the heat coming from his body. I wasn't sure what this was, but I liked it. I had always liked Running Horse in a way I didn't like other boys.

I see Dark Horse's eyes on me. Not at all like Running Horse's eyes watch me. Dark Horse's eyes are deep thoughtful eyes. He sees without looking. He is there. The world flows around him. He doesn't object or stand in the way.

He is nothing like Grandfather Kelly. Maw's Paw stands in the way of good times. He forces things to flow in a way he says they should flow but don't.

Dark Horse is a wise Indian. He speaks seldom. Everyone listens when he speaks. Mostly he speaks to Medicine Woman late at night.

I stay awake listening.

They have spoken of Proud Eagle again. Dark Horse called him his son.

I'm afraid to tell them I know they are my grandparents. Lit'l Fox would here. He would know I am his brother. Why hasn't Medicine Woman spoke of this? He is not their son. I am their grandson. Lit'l Fox is my brother. I know this now after hearing the talk. Why don't they admit it? They must be worried about Lit'l Fox's reaction. I remembered his weak heart. Was that it?

Once he knows, will it change the way he sees me? I don't want anything to change. I am home for the first time. I never want to leave. I belong here.

Dark Horse never uses English words. Medicine Woman and Lit'l Fox use many English words. Dark Horse speaks to Medicine Woman. If it concerns me, Medicine Woman says so right away, if I am to know what Dark Horse said.

I hope to speak Pawnee well enough to seek Dark Horse's counsel one day.

At home, when Paw tells Maw something he wants her to tell me, I feel like I've done something wrong. When Paw does that, it's never good. I don't feel that way when Dark Horse speaks to Medicine Woman and she tells me. Dark Horse wants no misunderstandings. He knows my Pawnee is not good.

He knows that I am his grandson. I'm sure of this. The problem is Lit'l Fox. They worry my brother will take the truth badly, and there is his weak heart. Knowing the truth shouldn't bring him any grief. The truth gives him a brother.

Teenage boys seem to be revered here. Is this because they'll become warriors in a village without warriors? At home I often feel like I'm in the way. The teenage boys hunt and would defend the village if necessary. Women speak of the things that need to be done. Men remain silent for the most part.

There are few men in the village. Why is that? There's much I don't know.

Like Maw says, 'Let it be,' and I do, but the questions don't go away.

Lit'l Fox made things easy to understand. When he sees confusion in my eyes, he tries to explain what it is I don't see that a Pawnee sees.

I know I'm not going blind, but there is so much I don't see. There is so much, when left alone, will take care of itself. These things can't be left alone in the white world. Every detail must be attended to or Lord knows what will befall humanity. Nothing is left to chance. If it can be controlled, it will be controlled.

Frustrated when I don't have the right word, I speak English. I still think in English, and if they picked up English from me, I wanted to speak the best English I knew how to speak. I did my best to think in terms of the rules I knew and didn't use. Was speaking proper English important in the village, or if what I said was understood, was that good enough?

Lit'l Fox laughed at me becoming agitated over not being able to come up with the word I was looking for. He'd give me the word with a smile. He didn't make fun of me, and I was trying not to speak the English shorthand the Pawnee learned from previous English speakers, but I often spoke a mixture of English and Pawnee. I was learning to speak Pawnee, but there were English words that didn't translate into Pawnee. It seems odd to me, but I leave it alone.

I was afraid the shorthand might infect my speech, and if I had to return to the English-speaking world, I didn't want to sound like an idiot. As I tried to adapt to the Pawnee world I now inhabited, my one foot was still in the English-speaking world.

It was a world I had no desire to return to, but I feared that one day I'll have no choice, and if that day comes, I dare not sound like I'm Pawnee.

Lit'l Fox doesn't hesitate to give me the word I couldn't find. I wanted to tell him I needed a few seconds to think, before rescue came, but I didn't. If I didn't need to think about it, I took the easy way out.

I took the easy way out of a white world to find my people. Being with them was easy. I belong here. I do not long for anything I left behind in my first life.

I knew Maw fretted some, but they long ago gave me up for dead. It would be cruel for me to return and let them know I was fine all along, living the life I much preferred to the life they had to offer me.

When I'm hunting on that mountain, the cabin isn't that far away. It doesn't have any pull on me or my future that I can see.

I still remembered the rules of English I learned in Mrs. Taylor's class. I tried to apply them to my thinking, even if I still spoke like I didn't learn my lessons. I knew the rules. I simply ignored them. English was a fussy language and there were times I didn't take my time. Some rules made no sense, but if you could make a rule to cover something no one covered before, you made it and the language became even more complicated.

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

I am a novelty here. Someone who isn't like them. They accept me as is. I need to learn to do things the way a Pawnee does them. I watch, listen, and do my best with new ideas. No one says I need to be a certain way. This was the biggest change. I once did everything the way someone told me to do it. Here, I'm free to figure out the best way for me, and when I find my way of doing it, no one notices anything but how it turns out once I'm done.

At home I didn't dare do things the way I wanted. I was shown how it was to be done, and if I didn't do it that way, I'd hear about it. I didn't know why.

Most stuff I learned by watching Lit'l Fox. I can usually do things the way he does them. Lit'l Fox is always with me. We leave Medicine Woman's lodge at the same time each morning. We return together at the end of a busy day.

Did something happen on the mountain that makes him feel closer to me?

Yes, something did happen. I can't separate what really happened from my nightmares about what happened. Had I been alone. I would never have left that mountain alive. I was sure of it, and it wasn't the griz that would have kilt me.

There was no shame in the words Lit'l Fox spoke if I asked him about it.

"Leave what happened on the mountain stay on the mountain."

I owe a debt to Lit'l Fox I'll never be able to repay. He saved my life.

No matter the reason, me and Lit'l Fox are close. I've never had a friend before. I never had a brother before either. I have both now.

I still dare not speak of the truth I think I know. If there was something to say, it would have been said by now. It was best not to fret about things we weren't going to change. Leaving it alone was the best idea yet.

Ain't no boys near the cabin in the valley where the river runs. Boys at school I was acquainted with weren't friends. If they found out that I was Pawnee, I'd have been seriously disciplined for going to a white school.

Did white folks think that they could catch being Pawnee?

Living without other boys in my life, except at school, and school was strictly controlled confinement, was just the way it was.

These free roaming friendships in and around the village suits me fine. The boys are fine. I find nothing objectionable about them. They seem to feel the same about me. When we get together the majority decide what we'll do. If you don't want to do it, you were free to do what you want to do. That was up to you. Lit'l Fox can make a bow and arrows. He can hunt for his food. He'll never go hungry. I watch him and I can do what I see him doing. Once I'm ready, I'll make a bow and my own arrows. Recently, I've seen Running Horse making a bow. For the most part, he does it the same way Lit'l Fox does. He heats and shapes it.

Lit'l Fox takes his time when he sees me watching. I learn much from him.

He knows the medicines nature provides. He cooks good rabbit stew when Medicine Woman is in the wigwam of someone who is ill.

Lit'l Fox isn't big but he's fearless. When faced with danger, he doesn't hesitate. I'm afraid I do. I wait to see how a thing will turn out, so I don't anger anyone. Lit'l Fox designs a response to fit the danger. I avoid angering anyone.

I watched him kill two men in the blink of an eye. He sensed the same danger I felt in my bones, but he did something about it. I couldn't do what he did because I had a broke leg, but broke leg or not, I couldn't do what he did.

If I'd met those men while I was alone on the mountain, they'd have used me up and left me for dead. My life has been filled with doubt and uncertainty. I need to be able to think as fast as he thinks. Waiting is a good way to get kilt.

I can see how the Pawnee, and Indians like them, are a threat to how white men see things. No one should do different things or be different if you're white. There are no such rules here. If you are a certain way, that's your way.

Grandpa Kelly, his kinsmen, want to do a thing a certain way. Grandpa would slice and dice everything, divide it into equal parts, and men with money buy it. Each owns one small piece of the whole. What made it worth owning is lost once you divide it up but just tell a white man to leave well enough alone and see how fast he gets his dander up. You change a thing to make it yours.

What becomes of the deer, the elk, the buffalo if they can't roam, once everyone fences his patch off to keep everyone out? All motion will stop.

I knew only what I could learn on a farm near a tiny town. Going to school, I learned lessons they taught me. I knew or suspected the lay of the land. Men fancied they were in control. They were if no one objects. Like when Paw and I went to Lawrence's store, we never knew for sure we'd make it out alive. One of those white men had a bad day, and Paw might be in a fight for his life.

I'd say Paw could whip any of them. He couldn't whip them all at once. He knows it same as me, but the way they watch us. I'm out of it now. I fret that Paw is left alone to manage on his own at Lawrence's. I'm sorry about that.

I live on the far side of the mountain and I'm out of it. I wonder about Maw and Paw. Who feeds the chickens? Who goes into town with Paw? Who pulls the goods that match up with what's on Maw's list?

Maybe Maw goes with him. No, Maw going to town with Paw would get the mouths a flapping. Who do you suppose that savage really is? You don't think…?"

I guess I was some help to Paw. Do they think about me? I don't think they miss me. I was mostly under foot. No one sees me as being under foot here, but I'm still fearful of telling what I know is true now.

Perhaps being on the outs with men in town was my imagination. I really didn't know them. Maybe I could turn my back on them. I never did. I heard, if you listened to your instincts, you'll never go wrong.

Does it work with a griz? Works with mountain men. They were bad men, and it still seems like a dream. I never been as close to death as I was on that mountain, and a Pawnee boy saved my life, not once but twice. It was an accident the two men came across us. It was an accident Lit'l Fox found me.

It's no accident, we're brothers. Paw thinks his first son is dead, and that's why he couldn't let himself get close to me. Was the pain of it that bad?

I want to tell him. I want to see the expression on his face when he finds out he saved his brother's life. Having a brother changes everything.

I owe my brother my life. How many brothers can say that? All he got out of the deal was a bear skin. I made out on the deal. I kept my life.

I was alive and well and my leg gets stronger every day. I was where I wanted to be and I finally found someone to teach me how to be Pawnee.

I did wonder how many more accidents life had in store for me.

With a broke leg, it weren't up to me. He rescued me after my fall. He took me home for Medicine Woman to fix me up.

He knew I was on the mountain. He saw what happened because he was curious about me. Did he feel like he was connected to me in some way? Did things just happen to us, or was this the plan all along?

What did my brother know?

Why did he watch me? Why did he save my life? Why take me to the village where he lived? How is it we'd become so close? Once he took me on, he took me on for good. We are hardly ever separated. We sleep in the same buffalo robe. We keep each other warm while living in the lodge of Medicine Woman and Dark Horse. It's a good place to live.

Instinct told me that this had more to do with us being brothers than I first thought. Lit'l Fox had instincts about me. That's why he made sure I was okay. It's why we've become as close as we have become.

Destiny might not have carried us both to be on that mountain at the same time, but something did. He gets a hankering to go deer hunting by himself at the same time I decided to go get me a griz?

I no longer think so. There has to be more to it than that. My father never tried to cross that mountain again, once he and Maw got together. I'm not saying the Prophet didn't pick Paw up on the side of the trail.

Was his village destroyed or did he think his village was destroyed?

Did I die on the mountain? Did the fall kill me? Did the griz get me? This is where all Pawnee boys go after they die?

If that were true, everyone would be dying to die. It is the promised land, for me at least.

At fourteen and fifteen, maybe I buy this kind of illusion, but I've been here for over three years. My life is good. My life at the cabin gave me nothing to look forward to, and I have begun to look forward to the autumn hunt.

Even when I woke up, everything was jumbled up. When I got up to ease myself out of the lodge, I carried my bow and arrows, and the target Lit'l Fox made for me to practice with.

The air is fresh but cool. The morning birds sing, and a slight breeze blows from the northwest as the light gains a foothold on a new day. It's cool enough for my leggings and deerskin shirt, but by noon I'll be in my breath cloth, and I will sweat from running with the other boys for most of the morning.

I'm very much alive, and that's that. It is something I am sure of, and I still find myself unsure of many things. Focusing on the target, my bow, and the path of my arrows always gives me a sense of comfort. I will get me a buck this year. I don't need to practice more, but I like being alone early in the day before we eat.

One day, my skill with a bow will be a matter of life and death. This I know.

The morning meal is being eaten when I return. Medicine Woman nods my way with the same nod I'm sure she gave when I went out. It was dark in the lodge before she starts considering the morning meal. She is up when I get up but we don't talk with everyone else sleeping.

I sit next to Lit'l Fox and Running Horse. He eats with us if he didn't want what was brought to Lone Wolf's lodge. Medicine Woman's meals are always to his liking, and what's not to like about Running Horse?

Since the day I sat with him while all the other boys shot at the target from each distance he chose, he seems to see me differently. His look tells me he sees me as a capable Pawnee. Other boys see a boy who will be chief. I see him as a boy I need to impress and am equal to in any way I can be.

I had no interest in the boys at school in my first life. They were all the same boy, when I watched them. Whichever boy took the lead, the other boys did what he did the way he did it. They mostly dressed a like. They came in different sizes as they do here, but each Pawnee boy is different in his own way.

Looking at Lit'l Fox is like looking into a mirror. I see myself in him and the things I don't do like Running Horse does them, I do the way Lit'l Fox does them. They are my teachers and my friends.

I'm bigger than he is now. My hair is blond. We have the same dark eyes. I don't know what I look like to others, but I see myself in Lit'l Fox. I would like to be as respected as he is one day.

"Did your bow shoot true this morning, Tall Willow?" Running Horse asked.

"I did."

I think I knew what Running Horse saw when he looked at me.

Lit'l Fox seems to know what is going on inside my mind. It's like looking into a mirror, only instead of my own face, it's Lit'l Fox's face I see.

Ain't life weird?

Here I'm not required to do anything but be a boy. It took a while to learn this. I kept waiting to be told what to do, but I was on my own to do what came naturally, and it became natural to follow along with the other Pawnee boys.

Did all of this take place because two lives crossed paths and everything else that happens is accidental? Now those lives were completely intertwined. Lit'l Fox's life and my life had become connected from the instant Lit'l Fox looked over the edge of the cliff I fell off of.

Medicine Woman gave me my Pawnee name, Tall Willow. I am Pawnee now.

I was living a life I could only dream about while at the cabin in the valley where the river runs. I couldn't have imagined what being Pawnee is like. I've found a place where I belong.

Mrs. Taylor let me out of a school I had to go to. Here, I've found a school that teaches me every day. It's a school I can't wait to wake up to attend. Lit'l Fox and Running Horse are my teachers. I am fascinated by the lessons I learn. I'm working on being the best Pawnee I can be.