I closed my eyes for a minute, and before I knew it, I was back at the cabin. I felt refreshed after coming out of the river. I was hungry and I went to the cabin for supper. Maw had the most delicious smells going in the fireplace as she moved pots to where we would do the eating.

I watched Maw working on my leggings and shirt. I watched her hands sewing the hides together.

All of a sudden, Paw was sitting next to her. I didn't hear him come in.

"Use the tendon from the deer like I showed you. It will never break. Better than any thread you can buy."

Paw said the words in Pawnee. I understood them now, but at the time, I asked Maw, "What did he say about using the tendon of the deer, Maw?"

Maw would explain the words and how they fit together. Each time I heard Paw speaking Pawnee, once I had Maw all to myself, I asked her what he said. When Paw cussed in the field and yelled Pawnee at the sky, I heard the words and remembered them to ask Maw what they meant. It's how I learned Paw's lingo. I didn't recognize all the words, but I recognized many Pawnee words Paw said.

There was something exciting about learning Pawnee. This was a piece of me no one saw or recognized. This was a piece of me I wanted to know. Paw could have taught me, but he didn't. He knew way more than I knew, and if he was tempted to teach me about being Pawnee, it never showed.

I opened my eyes and saw a squirrel. Yes, it would have filled the hole in my stomach, except once I shot it with the Hawkin, there would be no meat left. The Hawkin was a powerful rifle and the animals I shot had to be big enough to take a shot from the Hawkin and leave some meat that was fit to eat.

Even after I got the Hawkin, I hunted with the squirrel gun. I had a limited amount of shot for the Hawkin, and I would save it for when I went after my griz. The meat for our table could be squirrel, rabbit, woodchuck, or even a fox Maw could make taste heavenly. The squirrel gun was fine. I kept what the Hawkin was for at the back of my mind as it leaned against the wall near where I slept.

Soon enough, after my birthday, I would hunt with it. Until then, I used the gun I'd been using since I went with Paw on our first deer hunt. It's also the gun I used to get game for supper, once Paw turned hunting over to me on the farm.

My eyes opened again; after not knowing I closed them. It seemed cooler. It wasn't as light. I needed to shoot me something before I lost all the light. I wouldn't build a fire until I got supper. Didn't need a fire if I didn't get game to eat. I needed to keep my eyes open to get me some critter to eat.

Maw surprised me with the moccasins at Christmas. I never saw her put a stitch in those, but there they were, soft and supple. I loved the feel of them on my feet. They were like Paw wore. I couldn't wait to put them on.

No one was going to see me out here. I would wear hides for convenience and comfort, not to look good. I had no idea how Maw made moccasins out of deer hide. She must have worked on them when I was out hunting supper.

I took one off to examine it. I saw where Maw stitched it. I didn't know I could do it the same way. I wouldn't know until these wore out. I had an idea of how to do it. Maybe these would last. I would be barefoot once they wore out.

I knew better than to wear moccasins to school. I wanted to wear them but wearing them would be asking for trouble. I didn't do anything to act white. In this case, appearance is everything. I look white to people who see me.

I don't feel white. I don't feel Pawnee. I don't know what I feel. What kind of man will I be if one part of me is never recognized? I recognized it. I felt it.

Since I left, my mind was frequently on home. I never thought about being home while I was there. It was odd to be thinking about being home now. The mind was a curious thing. How did you know what was on anyone's mind?

I never thought about being there while I was there. Except now, after I'm gone, my mind sees it more clearly than ever. I don't plan to be gone long. It ain't like it's going nowhere. It'll be there when I take my griz home.

If I don't shoot something, I'll go hungry. It won't take long if I tend to it.

I suppose Paw didn't treat me so badly. He just didn't have much to say. He had no difficulty doing what he set out to do. Paw never hit me. After what I saw him do to Sally the sow, that had to be a good thing. I imagine Paw knew how strong he was. I never seen him treat a man or any animals badly.

I want more than he can give me. I guess that's the meaning of dissatisfied. The Pawnee living inside of me wanted out. It was the other problem. Paw could solve but wouldn't. Looking across two days at him didn't help none. Maybe the entire griz thing was about what was inside of me.

I didn't know no other boys who wanted to get them a griz. None of the other boys was Pawnee. What did I know about being Pawnee? What I was doing? Who I was had to have a lot to do with the Indian inside of me?

You can't stifle a thing and not make it grow in intensity.

It all made a lot more sense to me while I was at the cabin.

I sure was hungry. Maw would be cooking supper right now. I could turn back and say, "I got lost."

I been gone two full days. Weren't like I could get home in time for supper, no matter how good that sounded. I don't remember being this hungry before. I wasn't going back without my griz. I would finish what I started.

I would like to start by killing something I can eat.

I knew Paw wasn't coming after me. I wanted to believe he was. Paw had Maw and the farm to care for. I knew my way home. It was up to me to decide when to return. After today it was on me. I sure was hungry though.

I doubt a fourteen-year-old boy can grow up over two days, but I had thoughts I didn't have before. There's nothing like freedom to clear your head.

It was clear what I needed to do. I needed to shoot me supper. My stomach was growling. I tried to imagine a griz growling. I bet it made a fierce sound.

As I laid in the grass next to the pasture last night, I thought about when I went hunting with Paw. I watched and listened to everything he did and said. I learnt to build a fire first. You got to have fire to cook your meat.

I used the squirrel gun to shoot varmints around the house. The first thing he taught me, how to clean something you kilt. Once he got a buck that first time, he took me hunting, I watched him clean it. He skinned it and cut it into pieces to make it easier to carry. When I was nine, and he first took me hunting for the meat we'd need for the winter, I was excited to see all the things he did.

This Paw did like a Pawnee. He talked to me about the things to do to have a successful hunt. He taught me how to clean and prepare the meat to take back to the cabin. I watched him like a hawk. I did things exactly how he told me to do them. The critters I kilt around the cabin, Paw cleaned up until that time. After that, I knew how to clean my kill. I would take the game to Maw already cleaned, after that first hunting trip with Paw. I fancied myself a hunter.

I got up early the morning after he shot the buck, and I went to a clearing I found the day before. I sat down watching the stream nearby. I did what Paw showed me the day before. He waited near the same stream, and the deer had walked out of the forest to drink. I smiled when I remembered it, and as I focused on the stream, a big fat raccoon stuck his head up after drinking his fill.

When I shot him, Paw came running to see what I was shooting at.

"Why are you firing your gun?" he asked.

"I got us breakfast, Paw," I said, holding up the raccoon.

I swear he almost cracked a smile when he saw what I shot. That was the first time I shot anything.

"First thing you do, even before you clean your kill, thank him for his sacrifice so we could fill our bellies. You don't kill a critter except to eat, and he gave up his life so we could eat. That calls for a thank you."

"Okay, Paw. Thanks Mr. Raccoon. I sure will enjoy eating you."

"Your family will never go hungry if you know how to hunt."

I skinned and cleaned the raccoon with some help from Paw.

I don't know how many times since that first hunting trip, Paw said, "Go shoot us something for supper. I'm not going to be able to get away to do it."

He knew I'd come back with something. I always did. I was a good hunter.

Now, I was out trying to shoot my own supper. I wasn't having any luck at all, because my mind was full of the times Paw and me went hunting together. I wasn't hankering on going hungry. I needed to pay attention to what I was doing. I focused on the stream, leaning back against the tree where I sat waiting.

The rabbit was a fair size. I was watching him munch on some choice grass before I raised the Hawkin and fired.

I prayed I didn't blow him into little pieces.

I got me my first game with the Hawkin. It shot true, and I had me supper.

I fixed my fire and while it got going good, I prepared the rabbit meat to go on it. The hide was big and soft. I didn't realize how soft rabbit fur was. I kilt me dozens of rabbits, but this fur was the nicest I'd seen. I was going to hold on to it.

I knew hides helped keep many a trapper warm in the dead of winter. I would save my hides and roll them up in my bedroll to make them easy to carry, after they dried out overnight. Paw showed me how that was done too.

I thanked my brother the rabbit. I did not kill him in anger. I had to eat.

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

I had me no coffee to cook. At first thing, I got up, gathered my gear, and I was on my way. I figured I was maybe halfway to the mountain, but I stopped early yesterday. Maybe I ain't gone as far as I figure. It was cool enough for a cup of coffee. It was definitely cooler the third day.

I could smell the coffee Maw had on the fire each morning at the cabin.

I let my fire burn down once the rabbit was cooked. Ate what I could of it, and put the rest in my food pouch, which I put under my bedroll, which I used for a pillow. Didn't need to build a shelter for one night. I slept on the ground with the Hawkin under my hand.

I wasn't sure I reloaded after I kilt the rabbit. I was too tired to do it now.

When I was with Paw, if anything stirred, he was up in a flash. I'm not as keen on the land as Paw. Most sounds are strange to me, especially night sounds. I was asleep before I knew it. I'm sure that's because of all the walking. Next thing I knew, I was opening my eyes on a new day. I felt like I just closed them.

It wasn't cold at all when I went to sleep. I kept my shirt on because I didn't want to get ate up by mosquitoes. Theys pretty thick out here. It wasn't quite light when I got up, but it was light enough to see where I was heading, and I kept heading west.

The sun came up behind me, right where I figured it should.

The nature of the forest I found myself in was changing. The trees began to close in on me during the morning. It was light enough to see that I needed to be more careful. I could get myself turned around easy enough.

I'm able to see the sun for now, but the trees seem to be getting taller and bigger around. I'm keeping my eyes open for a trail. I can't be the first person to come this way. I knew mountain men had been all over these parts, trappers too.

Someone must have come this way. How else did Jubal Lee get his griz. No one said what mountain he shot his griz on. There were bound to be griz on the mountain we could see from our front porch.

Walking between trees has become more difficult. I'm looking for some water. I've used the water in my skin, and I'll need to fill it soon. Not quite as hot, but hot enough to sweat. Bugs are fierce.

I won't stop until I find water. I have enough rabbit for today but if I get a shot at something, I won't turn it down. I should be on the mountain in a day or so, and there's bound to be more game on the mountain. I will keep going for as long as I can today.

I think it's the fourth day. My food pouch is empty. I am out of water. This forest is like being trapped. No matter which way I go, more trees block my way. I back up as much as I go forward. I have a thirst the likes I never had before. I'm hungry. No room to spot or shoot game. I need to keep going. This forest has to have an end to it. Could a forest go on forever, I wondered.

Is this day four or day five? Where are the mountains? Where am I?

Will need to stop to hunt early. Maybe I'll be out of this forest by day's end. Not enough room to swing the rifle around to fire now that the trees took to growing so close together. No sign anyone has been this way before.

I never seen trees grow so close together. Going has become a challenge. I get up in between trees, and I can't go no more. I backs up and tries another way. I don't feel like I'm making much progress today. I am all turned around now. No way to know what direction to take.

Is it day three or day four? Can't get my wits about myself. So thirsty. So many bugs.

Never seen this many trees. Maybe it's why Paw stays down on the flat land when we hunt. You can't see ten feet ahead in all these trees. Lots of birds, crickets, frogs, and such. Besides me walking, it is the only noise. Leaves crunch under foot on every step I take. No way to shoot supper in such a tangle of trees.

If I walked all day, I'd stop with a couple of daylight hours left to set up camp and hunt if I found a clearing in this place. I keep reaching into my food pouch for rabbit. It's empty. It has been empty since yesterday or was it the day before. Is this day four or five?

Where's the damn mountain?

I would stop at a spot that offered me the best chance of shooting game. I needed a source of water nearby. My water skin was empty and I was thirsty. I needed to keep walking. I needed to think. What would Paw do if he was in my shoes? That's a joke. Paw would never get himself lost in a forest. How did I know there could be so much forest with so little food and water?

I kept my eyes open for game. They could hear me coming a mile way. The leaves are up to my ankles in places. I suppose if I stood still long enough, and there was room enough to hunt, they might forget the noise I was making.

With the weather being cooler, I can hunt for larger critters. The meat would keep longer, and I knew how to smoke it to keep it fresh. If I took the time to smoke a few days worth of meat, I would move faster. I never came this far from the cabin before. Thinking about what I needed to do came naturally, once my days were all a like. How far did a forest like this go?

This is day five or six? Rabbit gone. Water skin empty. I sure am hungry. Seems like I been lost in this forest forever. Can't see the sun. It is daylight.

I still don't know where the mountain was. I'm sure it's five or six days now. I spend a lot of time stopping and starting. I drink any time I find clean water. The water is colder the further west I go. Snow is on the mountain. It will be colder there. Not as many bugs today. Still hungry. I'll stop early to hunt.

I found a nice clearing in the late afternoon. I should walk a few more hours, but I'm tired and hungry. I picked a spot to put down my gear. I gathered the firewood lying among the trees. I'll need a fire to burn all night, and I collect extra wood for it. It's already cooler than it was all day yesterday and the sun is still high in the sky. I'm heading in the right direction. I can hear water running, which makes the spot perfect.

I'm looking for a place where I could hunt nearby.

I would be opening my bedroll for sure tonight. I opened it once the fire was built to let it air out from all the sweating I done over the past couple days. I got three skins from critters I kilt. I didn't kill a critter every day. I didn't hunt until the third day. I been gone eight or nine days, not five or six. Go figure.

The trees were thicker but there were more clearings. I wasn't the first person to stop here. There was a firepit and paths where people moved around. There was a perfect spot to hunt near the brook I heard running nearby. I drank my fill, filled my water skin, saw the high ground a dozen yards from the brook.

My brother the badger was cautious when he went to drink. He was fifteen pounds before I cleaned him. The pelt was nice. I'd been shooting critters for a long time. I didn't notice how soft the fur was. I needed to keep the pelts for future use, when I made camp on the mountain to wait for my griz. Pelts don't weigh anything and they are easy to carry rolled up in my bedroll.

I rolled the badger fur up with the rest of my hides in my bedroll the following morning. A noise in the wood woke me. A branch broke like someone stepped on it. My eyes opened wide. There was no more noise or sleep, and I felt the fire before spreading the ashes so nothing could burn once I was gone.

My food pouch was full and so was my skin for water. I moved westward.

I tried to calculate how long it had been. I counted the number of kills I'd made. Then, I worked on the number of camps I made. Then I tried to remember how many days I could see the sun, and how many since I couldn't see it. The more I thought, the more confused I became. I lost track of the days. Each day was exactly like the last day. I was lost in that forest for days on end.

Why hadn't I reached the mountain?

Could I be on it and that's why I can't see it? It looked so close from the front porch of the cabin. The forest didn't look that big. Seems like I been in these trees forever.

I would like one good look at the sky. I've caught glimpses of sky at times in the midst of taller and taller trees.

Once I walked for most of the daylight hours, I'd make up my mind to stop at the next clearing I came to. I don't think I walked as long the next day as I walked the day before. I could see the sky through the trees at times. I couldn't see it at other times. The forest went from thick to thicker, to thickest.

Then, it reversed itself. The forest wasn't at its thickest when I stopped today. There was a large portion of blue sky visible above the clearing. I knew the forest could get thicker again, but I didn't think it would. After so many days among the trees, I became confident the forest was ending, and when I came out on the far side, I'd see the mountain similar to how I saw it at the cabin.

Today the badger was gone. I needed a place to hunt and to drink. It wasn't as late as when I stopped the day before, but my legs were sore. I decided there was no rush. I wanted to hunt and have a nice place to camp. I ate my last piece of badger that afternoon, but I knew I was coming to the last of it. I wanted to save it for dinner, but it was burning a hole in my food pouch, and I finally ate it.

I always cleaned the Hawkin after a kill. That way it was ready to hunt when I was ready. I laid out camp and put my fire closer to where I'd be sleeping. It was cold last night. The bedroll kept me warm, but the fire did it better.

Once I got the fire going, it would be about right when I returned with supper. I wasn't going far. I was quiet as could be getting to the spot that overlooked a stream running a few dozen yards away. It was the kind of spot Paw would pick to do his hunting.

I liked the sound of the water running. The air was fresher, and birds flew in and out of the trees as I waited for supper.

I made myself comfortable as I waited to see what might pop up to take a drink. My mind must have been tired too, because I didn't think about home. I didn't think about much but being tired of walking.

Where the hell did the mountain get to? I should have reached it by now. Was the forest on the mountain?

I see rocks piled up from time to time, but always more trees. From the cabin in the valley where the river runs, I saw no trees on the mountain.

How long had I been walking? Did it matter how long? I would walk until I got where I was going. Would I ever get where I was going?

I walked a long way to school, but it was easier to walk when you knew where you were going and how long it took to get there. It never seemed as far going home from school. Maybe because I didn't mind the cabin so much.

Anyway, I was tired and I needed to shoot enough meat to last me through tomorrow, so I wouldn't need to stop so early to hunt. I didn't mind hunting every day, but it took time and that made it slow going.

As I was working on how slow, a big old turkey went to the brook to drink. I loved turkey. Thanksgiving was my favorite meal.

That turkey had to be thirty pounds or more before I cleaned it.

Mr. Turkey drank, lifted his head to take a look around, drank some more, and the next time he took a look around, was the last look he would ever take. That was going to be some good eating. I wanted to use the feathers, but a pillow was a luxury I didn't need to carry. I left the feathers where they fell. In short order I was roasting me a turkey over an open fire. Man, did it smell good.

While I waited, I cleaned the Hawkin, turning the meat from time to time. I smoked some of the meat while eating. I'd leave it smoke for a few hours. The fire would burn all night, and by the time I spread out the coals in the morning, I'd be packed up and ready to go, once the fire was completely out. The nearby water helped. I drank frequently and I kept my water pouch full. I needed to keep the fire burning to keep the cold off. I gathered wood to keep next to my bed roll.

The fire was also effective in keeping any animals at a distance. I kept my Hawkin by my side to get to in a hurry if I needed it. I loaded it immediately after making my kill. That way I didn't need to wonder, did I reload?

Walking warmed me right up. I still had a long walk ahead of me. Who knew it might take a week or more to get to those mountains from the cabin? My instincts told me I didn't walk directly west a lot of the time, once I couldn't see the sun any longer. I'm sure I backtracked some. Couldn't be sure if I did.

Back a ways, when I came to a place in the forest where I couldn't go forward. I needed to go north or south for a while. I didn't like it when I was no longer going west, but when I found the trail I was on, it saved me even more time than if I'd wandered around the forest for a couple of days looking for some way to get through trees growing too close together to get through.

I may have lost half a day, but I saved time doing it. I also got confused about the days I'd been out, and how I figured on the mountain being no more than three or four days away. Did I move so far south that it took me offline for a meeting with the mountain? Would Paw have gotten confused in a thick forest?

I didn't think so. I needed to go west to get where I was going. I was more sure than ever that I would get a griz. Getting it home might be a bigger problem than I calculated it would be. When I made my plan, I knew I would need to work on how to get the griz back home. I'd figure it out once I got my griz.

I never asked how Jubal Lee got his griz home. I didn't know I was going after one, when I heard about his. He obviously got it home, because everyone in town was talking about Jubal Lee's griz.