Maybe love needs to be described in bits and pieces. It's far too infinite for words to explain. You can only hold on for dear life while love is about us. I see in Chet things I have never seen. I feel in Chet, feelings I've never felt. Only through him can I go as far as he takes me. Only his love completes me.

Yes, I'm afraid. I'm afraid to be with him. I'm afraid to be without him. I fear what it is we've planted in each other could dry up and wither. I fear saying, 'goodbye' to him. I can't wait to say, 'hello, I love you.'

Kiss me, you fool. Kiss me, and kiss me again.

"What do you feel right now?" I asked.

"You. I feel you, Z. It's all I want to feel."

I giggled. I wasn't a giggler, but Chet tickled me. He made me feel good.

"Do you miss me during the day, when I'm at work."

"Incredibly. It's too soon to allow you out of my sight. I know you need to work, and I wouldn't ask you not to work, but it's hard being without you."

I rolled on top of him and began kissing him. It was his turn to giggle.

"I think about you all day."

"What do you think about me, Z?"

"I think, I want to do this," I said, kissing his face, his neck, his chest.

More giggling.

"Don't ever leave me, Z. I've waited for you all my life."

I had a big responsibility.

Chet's life had been hard, I wanted to be the one who made it easy on him.

"Chet need food," Chet said like a caveman.

I laughed.

"You aren't hungry?" he asked.

"I been feeding on you for hours. I can't get enough. I could eat."

"I'm your man."

"Yes, you are," I said. "You scare me. I've never felt like this before. I thought I felt love. I thought I felt everything you could feel. Then..., you."

"Don't be afraid. You'll learn to trust me. I haven't been this comfortable with anyone, Z. I want to hold on to you and never let go. I know I have to let go, but I don't want to. It's foolish."

"No it isn't. I feel the same way. I only go to work because I told a man I'd be his stock clerk. I am his stock clerk. He depends on me to be there."

"I understand that. I wouldn't love you as much as I do if it wasn't for your feelings of loyalty. It tells me a lot about you."

It was complicated. I didn't think I could understand it. I didn't try.

I hadn't heard nothing yet. Chet's life could have made a four reel feature film. I'd gotten outline. He waited for my questions, knowing they'd come. The longer we stayed together the more I learned. It was best in small doses. There was no way to understand. I had good parents. I'd loved two boys, neither had good parents. Both struggled to find a place in the world, but both succeeded in spite of their hardships.

I never wanted to leave Chet. I wouldn't have been with Chet if Free didn't leave me, and if Free hadn't left, would Chet and I have come face to face. Would we have recognized each other? Would I have hesitated to take Chet in? I wanted to be with Chet. He said he wanted to be with me. We were the only ones who had a say in the matter.

Chet dropped me off at work the following day. Mr Hitchcock was all smiles. He'd heard the sports car. Walking to the door, he to look out. He knew who I was seeing but he wanted to make sure. I no longer came in with a skateboard. It took too long to skate to Chet's. That was valuable time we needed.

"Morning, Z."

"Morning Mr Hitchcock."

"Wonderful day, isn't it, Z."

"Absolutely spectacular," I said, heading for the row I left off on yesterday.

Brenda came back to watch me put on my apron. There were four deliveries that morning. I would have little time to spend thinking about Chet. Since Brenda was home from school for a few days, she'd check out customers. Mr Hitchcock would work on the books and the order forms that needed to be filled out. "Wasn't he the same boy who dropped you off yesterday??" Brenda quizzed.

"Yes, he's the same boy," I said.

"I didn't think you knew him," Brenda said, piecing things together.

"I didn't know him then," I said, letting it hang out there for her to analyze.

"And what about Free?" she asked.

"Free who?" I asked.

Brenda was absolutely horrified. She was the first one to accept Free as my man. I don't know if you had lovers at school, left one, was left by one, but it was obvious that she regarded me going out on Free as betrayal. They'd seen me with Free a few weeks before, as we lived the final days of our love. I never expected to immediately fall in love again. Mr Hitchcock worried that Free's presence wasn't a renewal of our love, but Brenda tutored Free. She had a connection of her own to him.

"While Free was here to bury his mother, he was here to break off with me, Brenda," I said. "He has a Japanese boyfriend. He's not coming back."

Brenda's hand was up in front of her mouth, once she realized her mistake.

"I thought. I didn't know," she said truly unsettled by this news. "You are seeing someone already?"

"It's not something I decided to do, Brenda. He walked into my life, and yes, I'm in love with him. It's not as easy as it sounds. Free was the only boy I ever loved. I'll always love him, but he needed to follow his dream. There was no way a boy who looks like him was going to fight off his admirers," I said. "It didn't come as a big surprise. He hadn't been writing me for a while."

"I'm surprised. He was such a nice boy. I hoped you two made it work."

"I did too, Brenda. He lives in a different world now. He helped me finish growing up. Now, I know what I'm doing as Chet and I try to love each other."

"That's his name, Chet?"

Mr Hitchcock and Brenda compared notes so they were on the same page. I'm sure they talked about the guy in the sports car. It's not the kind of thing you can explain. Life was full of little surprises. Chet was one of those.

It was a moderately busy day, and I had everything put up by three. I grabbed a sandwich and soda and ate lunch. I took an apple with a bruise I cut off it, and ate it as I went through the produce.

Brenda sat on the edge of the red potato bin and watched me working.

"You aren't going to get yourself into trouble, are you Z?"

"Trouble. Why would I be in trouble?" I asked.

"You don't know him. He's obviously rich. He drives that car. Isn't he a little old for you," Brenda asked in her motherly voice.

"No, he's exactly the right age for me," I said.

She didn't say anything to that. She was concerned about me.

"Men are different from woman," she said, speculating with what she knew.

"No, I don't think they are. I think a woman pretty much knows where she stands with a guy. I like to think I do too," I told her.

She watched me for a while. I knew she was thinking about my men.

"It's five," Mr Hitchcock said, as he walked back to the produce bins.

"Five," I said. "I work on salary. I don't take off until I'm done, Boss."

"Yes, I realize that, but your young man is out front. We'll finish up. You go ahead," Mr Hitchcock said.

"Okay," I said, pulling my apron off, I tossed it to Brenda. "Goodnight."

I ran out the door and jumped into the car, leaning to kiss Chet. He hugged me and gave me a lovely kiss. He made a casual U-turn and headed for home.

"What makes you so happy this afternoon?" Chet asked as I kissed him when we stopped for the light at Broadway.

"My young man came for me. Even though I still had work to do, Mr Hitchcock said, 'Your young man is out front. Go ahead.' You're early, you know."

"Couldn't wait to see you. I thought, if I pulled up out front, you just might run out to get in the car and give me a kiss."

I leaned and kissed him again.

"Or two," he said.

"That's all you get until we get home," I said.

"I was afraid some handsome devil would come by and steal you away form me," he said, taking my hand after making a casual U-turn.

"You're the only handsome devil that has a shot with me, Buster."

Chet Laughed.

"Where to?"

"You know where. I can't wait to get my hands on you."

Chet smiled.

I put my hand on the flat stomach that appeared below his half tee-shirt.

"Your skin is so hot," I said. "So smooth."

"Getting hotter with your hand there. We might not make it home you keep that up for much longer."

I leaned to kiss his stomach.

"Oh, you're asking for it. You know that drives me crazy," he said, putting his hand on the side of my face.

"I've worked all day. I smell."

"You smell fine to me," he said.

We stopped in front of the apartments. He turned off the engine and looked at me. He swept me into his arms and we kissed.

"I did miss you today. I had to come for you. I wanted you here with me."

He let go of me. We sat and looked at each other for a minute. I felt like I was living in a dream.

"Let's go in," he said, grabbing his keys and heading for the stairs. I was two steps behind him when he put the key in his door and he held it open for me. I walked past him and I heard the door close as he came up behind me.

His arms were around me as he kissed the back of my neck. This posture allowed me to feel whole. He was part of me and I was part of him. His arms kept us in place as I turned to face my lover.

I was right where I wanted to be. I was right where I belonged.

*****

Growing up came as natural to me as anything else that just happened to me. My growth, not so much. I could not come out in Massachusetts. It would have been foolish for me to do so. It would have been hard to come out there, because of the life I grew up having. There was too much to lose coming out, until I came to California.

Here, it wasn't dangerous for me to be out when I arrived. I would no longer pretend to be anything but what I was. It was like starting over in a new location. I followed my nose to Gordo, Free, and to Chet. Learning about myself and growing into my relationship with Chet came from being out. There was no serious planning as life unfolded in front of me. I was still a lucky lad.

I was with Chet, and more importantly, Chet was with me. Free closed the door behind him when he left. I opened the window for Chet to come in. Going so smooth from lost love and found love wasn't expected, but what in my life did I expect. Life continued to unfold in front of me. I needed to keep my eyes and ears open to the experience. My problems were more inconvenient truths I needed to face and then find ways to solve.

I'd put off my parents for two weeks. I made no attempt to get in touch with Skip, who no doubt went to my house and would come to Hitchcock's once he decided to find out why I was no longer meeting him to go surfing. There was a very good reason I hadn't been meeting Skip. There was a very good reason why I hadn't solved this problem of Skippy.

I could hear in my father's voice an impatience that was never there before. He knew what my constant absence meant. Phone calls were no longer enough. I could have had Chet drive by my house to introduce him to my parents. I could have had Chet drive by my house Wednesday morning, if we could get out of bed.

The problems became worse because of neglect. It needed to change if I didn't want to do permanent damage to people I loved. I was fast approaching the age of twenty-one. It was an arbitrary number that indicated I was a man. It was time I started to act like I had matured and had become an adult.

"Dad. Yeah, I want to bring Chet by for dinner. I want you and Mom to meet him. We've been pretty busy and work takes up a lot of time. I'm sorry that I've been so careless with your's and Mom's feelings."

"What did he say?" Chet asked, as I handed him my phone.

"Thursday. That okay with you. We'll go between six and seven. Italian night. It won't be anything you're use to."

"I don't care what we eat. I just hope they don't hate me," Chet said.

"I told you the rule, Chet."

I hoped they didn't find fault with the expensive car, the checkered past, and my neglect that had to hurt my parents. They could blame Chet for keeping me away from them. I'd created a mess and now I would face the consequences."

I was no longer a child. I was only a dependent by a few months. My life was my own. While I wouldn't purpose distress my parents, I would exercise the independence I needed to exercise now. I didn't live with them anymore.

I lived with Chet and my parents were waiting to hear me say it.

*****

"Your young man is here," Mr Hitchcock said from the front of the Market.

I tried to hang up my apron, and I headed for the door.

"Night, Mr Hitchcock."

"Night, Z. See you in the morning."

I was in the car and we were hugging and kissing.

"I missed you," Chet said.

"I need a shower," I said.

"Me too," Chet said, once I kept my lips to myself.

"it was hot in the store today. I sweat unloading the trucks. Speaking of hot, inside those trucks that aren't refrigerated it's hot."

We only kissed a couple of times on the way home.

*****

I saw the look on Mr Hitchcock's face when I went inside the next morning.

"Morning, Z," he said.

"Mr Hitchcock, I'm not going anywhere. Stop looking at me like that. I work for you. I have no plan to give up a job I like. I like you. You treat me like family."

"I know, Z. I know," he said like he wasn't all that sure.

I told him Chet's car was a Lamborghini. He evidently looked up what one cost, and he was convinced that Chet was rich and would get me to quit work. There was no way to unring that bell. I reassured him, but he still worried."

"I'm not going anywhere, Mr Hitchcock. Stop worrying," I said, as I walked up front tying my apron.

"I know," he said with a worried look on his face.

"I better get to work. Still have canned goods to stock."

"I shouldn't like to lose you, Z. You're a good worker. I'm quite fond of you. Your father called. Oh, the boy you go surfing with came by. He'll be back."

It didn't come as a surprise when Skip showed up at Hitchcock's Market. I hugged him and he sat on a box of peaches, while I put up mixed vegetables while sitting on a box of stewed tomatoes.

"I've been by your house on Wednesdays. You're seeing someone? Your boss said you have a friend who picks you up after work."

"I'd have called to tell you I wasn't living at home any longer, but you neglected to give me a number for you."

"Bad habit of mine. I have always feared someone would call my parents to tell them I was gay. I know it's not wise. You prove that."

"Who would care enough to go through the trouble?"

"I know it's stupid. I worry about my parents finding out. Tell me about him? What's he like? How'd you meet him? Does he surf."

Skip knew how to stop a conversation dead in its tracks. I could say, 'He looks a lot like Chet,' but I didn't. I put up canned goods and avoided his eyes.

"What's wrong? I guess it is where you work. I just wanted to see you."

"Nothing, I'm just working is all. We'll all go surfing. I've already run it by him, and he would like that. We haven't wanted to give up Wednesdays together, and I couldn't call you."

Skip took the pencil from behind my ear and he took the pad of paper out of my shirt pocket. He wrote on it and he handed me the pad and pencil back.

"I won't call your parents to tell them you're queer," I guaranteed him.

Skip didn't laugh. He looked concerned and I let him leave without telling him that he no longer needed to look for Chet. I knew exactly where he was. Boy, did I. Why wasn't life ever easy?

"We'll go surfing next Wednesday. Meet us at my house. You can pick up my board and he has a board where we live. If that's not too much running around."

"No. You know I've missed seeing you. We've been on Wednesday for a year or more. I'm glad you look so good. You must really like this guy," Skip said.

"It would take quite a guy to keep me from keeping our surfing date."

He finally smiled.

"I suppose I should have expected you'd find someone sooner or later, It's my own fault you're with someone else."

"Nobody's fault. You know I love you. You're my best friend."

Somehow that didn't seem to make him feel any better. I regretted it was hard on Skip, but it was going to get a lot worse before it was all over with. I wasn't sure Skip and I would still be friends, once he saw who my lover was."

I could have told him before he left. I couldn't. He'd need to wait to see for himself. He left me with his phone number and he walked away.

Why hadn't I already taken care of this before it was a five alarm fire?

On the way home that evening, I told Chet what was bothering me.

"Skip came by," I said after being quiet for most of the ride.

"Skippy? How is he?"

"Disturbed about me not being at the house."

"Skippy, he's not a worrier. I worry way more than Skippy. I usually worry way more than you do. What's wrong?"

"He's going to die when he sees you. He'll absolutely die."

"You're making a mountain out of a mole hill. Skippy won't hardly react. He'll be glad to see me. I haven't seen him in five years. It'll be fine."

I wish I believed that. I felt as if I'd done a terrible wrong to Skip. How could I fall in love with the boy he was searching for?

I told Chet about the date to go surfing with Skip the following Wednesday.

As soon as he closed the door, he put his arms around me. I turned in his arms to get my lips on his. The kisses were delicious. I got chills before I had a hot flash. We made love on the couch, on the floor, and in the shower before we ever made it into bed. At some point, I was sure I heard the front door click. While I was pondering what it might mean, Chet's kisses were the only thing that meant anything, and we went another round, maybe two. Who was counting?

When I heard what sounded like the door close, I sat up.

"Where are you going? I'm finished with you yet."

We went another round.

Once Chet was leaning back against his pillows and looking like he was about to nod off, I got up and walked down the hallway to look at the front door. It was shut and locked. I walked back to the kitchen. No one was there.

There was a note signed T on the kitchen table. Chet reached around me and took charge of the note.

"I missed you," Chet said.

"What does it say?" I asked.

"You're with the same boy. This could be serious. Good for you, Chet. It's time you spread your wings to fly. I'll need you at six Friday. We have a special deal and I need you to make sure it's done properly. T."

"Let me see," I said, reaching for it and he held it up so I couldn't reach it. "Give me a kiss first."

I kissed him and he handed me the note. I handed it back.

"You don't want to read it?" he asked.

"No, I just wanted to see if you'd give it to me. I don't need to read it.. I trust you," I said.