Before we moved from Massachusetts to California I felt like the white knight trapped in the corner of a chessboard by the black queen. On the edge of manhood and being gay, hiding in plain view stifled me. I was fearful of my friends, should they find out. I was afraid of my condition,

Entering my senior year of high school, in California, and knowing no one, was a lot to take on during my first weeks in the Golden State. In Massachusetts, when school started, you were already in a warm jacket in the morning. In California short sleeves helped me keep cool.

Boys were often in shorts and shirtless, after school. There were boys I liked back home, but I'd never have approached one with a frisky idea. In California I would be out. In California I refused to hide my true self. If I saw a boy I liked, I wouldn't avert my eyes or watch him from the corner of my eyes, because there was way more to see out here, and I intended to see it all.

Love had come and gone swiftly. It swallowed me before shaking me and refusing to let me go but let go I did. Free had come and he was gone. The love I felt for him still occupied a piece of my heart, but I was alone.

After a year in California, having loved, feeling the intensity of love, loving someone else was on my mind. I didn't know enough about love to know I would definitely love again, but I wanted love in my life.

How to get it there wasn't entirely clear to me.

Once you love, there's no going back to a time before you knew love. There is nothing to compare love with.

Each of us longs for love.

How I found love, and lost love, was a mystery, but I would love again, because living without love, once I'd loved, was unthinkable.

On to Chapter One
Free Love
Complete Chapter List

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